Lysistrata 3000

                                                a play by Rory Leahy

 

                                                           inspired by Lysistrata by Aristophanes

          

 

          

 

           Polydorus

             

             Hermocrites

     

             Harmodius

     

             Ajax

     

             Philoctes

     

             Lysistrata

     

             Calonice

       

             Adora

            

             Hirondelle

 

           Rhodippe

 

             Lycon

           

             Myrhinna

 

           Lampito

 

             Salabaccha

 

             Menelaus

 

 

                                                   PROLOGUE

 

             A CHORUS takes the stage, while it speaks, various characters mime

            the actions of which they speak when appropriate.

 

                                                   CHORUS

             Some time between now and the year 3000 AD, mankind’s skill in the art of               

             inflicting death shall reach new levels of divine aesthetic inspiration. Billions  

 perished in the Great Disaster, the trappings of civilization were cast into the

 dust, as the remnants of the human race split into warring tribes. Among these

             tribes were Mutants, who were transformed, mentally by the fallout. They gained

             great mental powers but became strange and fearful to their fellow humans. Over

 nearly two centuries, the world sunk deeper into Hell. But there were those

 equipped with the means to preserve much of the old world, in isolated 

 monasteries, libraries and miraculously still functioning Internet cafes. It was

             decided, among the wisest men, that their ancestors had gone astray because   

 they had abandoned the morality and culture of the ancients, exemplified by the  

 world of the classical pagan states. And so they erected the great nation of New

 Athens, built on the model of Greece as it had been four thousand years before. 

 With a few modifications, such as a lesser emphasis on all the sodomy. Men of  

 property became the ruling class, women and poorer men remained nominal 

             citizens but were disenfranchised from major decision making, the Mutants

             became a marginalized but tolerated minority, and humanity came to believe the

             answer to the future was the recreation of the past.  But conflicts among the elites

             soon led to a schism, as part of the nation broke away, declaring itself New

             Sparta. For a time, the two powers enjoyed peace, even working together to crush

             an invasion from the final remaining savage hordes. But a new Athenian

             Chancellor, Lycon emerged, determined to subdue the “rebel provinces” of

             Sparta and unite humanity under his rule, thus less than fifty years after its

             creation, the new hope of peace gave way to war. Now two generals, Ajax and

             Menelaus, face each other across a narrow, bloody battlefield and the final end

             may at last be near...

            

                                                          

                                                            ACT ONE, SCENE I

 

                                                         

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Long day, huh?

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

                                                            (Casually, rhetorically)

             Yep, another long day of brutal, dehumanizing warfare.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

                                                            (The same)

             When will this terrible suffering end?

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Hey I heard your brother died of a head wound a couple hours ago, that sucks.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Oh, thanks man. We weren’t close though.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Hey, close call on the field earlier tonight. The guy with the axe?

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Oh yeah, and he was swinging it and…

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Good thing we killed him before he killed us.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Name of the game.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Yeah. I’ve decided I don’t really like killing though.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             I’ve always thought it was kind of a dick thing to do myself.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             You know who I especially don’t like killing? Women and children.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Yeah, that does especially bum me out.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             It should be against the rules of war.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             There aren’t any rules of war silly, war is a lawless quagmire of savagery and

             anarchy.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Sure, it is now. But in the pre-Apocalyptic days, before the Great Disaster, there

             were rules. They were all written down in a book by a great man named 

             Geneva. Geneva Convention.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             I never heard of that.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Oh yeah, back in those days, war was no big deal. It was just big virtual

             reality simulations, nobody ever got hurt and the good guys always won

           

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Always?

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             One of the rules!

 

                                                            POLYDORUS             

             Then how come there was a horrible apocalypse that killed billions of people

             and why are we fighting vicious wars of attrition today?

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             The book must have gotten lost. Anyway it was a long time ago, back when

             men still walked on the moon.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Men never walked on the moon Hermocrites. That’s a fairy tale.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             They did too, a great man named Hawking Einstein invented a spaceship that 

             took men to the moon and brought back crazy moon-food and that’s why we

             have candy bars today.                   

                                                            POLYDORUS

             What do you suppose happened to this book you’re talking about?

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             I don’t know. But imagine what could happen if we found it! We could stop

             this war!

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             But we don’t even know where to look.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             There’s an ancient library back in...

 

             HARMODIUS enters.           

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             What are you two blathering about? Never mind, I’m sure it’s something 

             ridiculous.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             That’s probably a solid assumption, sir.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             How are you today, Captain Harmodius?

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             In roughly the same state of crushing despair I was in yesterday.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Oh cheer up. sir. There are still beautiful flowers in the world...

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Not in the immediate area of course, they’ve all been destroyed by years of

             constant battle.        

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Oh! But I have a fern...

 

             AJAX enters

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             General Ajax!

 

                                                            AJAX             

             Men. You served well today. You all fought bravely and violently. Harmodius, I

             came by to tell you that I’m going home for a couple days to confer with the

             Chancellor.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             What’cha gonna talk about?

 

                                                            AJAX

             That’s none of your business, soldier! I...I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at

             you like that. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             It’s okay, sir.

 

                                                            AJAX

             Anyway, Harmodius, following the tragic death of Colonel Euripides, I’m 

             placing you in command of this unit.

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             Command? I...

 

                                                            AJAX

             Just try to look like you know what you’re...

 

             The men suddenly notice a young SPARTAN GIRL approaching them stealthily.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Hi!

 

                                                            SPARTAN GIRL

             Help me.

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             You shouldn’t be here, girl. This is an Athenian camp.

 

                                                            SPARTAN GIRL

             I’m sorry. I’m lost...I haven’t eaten...

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             Okay, we’ll get you some...

 

                                                            AJAX

             Don’t.

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             Ajax, she’s...

 

                                                            AJAX

                                                            (Training his weapon on her)

             Get out of here, girl. You shouldn’t be here.

 

                                                            SPARTAN GIRL

                                                            (Lifting her hand to reveal she has a grenade)

             Neither should you!

 

             All four men unload their weapons, she falls.

 

             HARMODIUS falls beside her body.

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             What did we do, Ajax? What did we do?

 

                                                            AJAX

             She had a grenade.

 

                                                            HARMODIUS
             She couldn’t have been more than sixteen...

 

                                                            AJAX

             Do you want to go home to Calonice and your children?

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             Of course!

 

                                                            AJAX                                                             

                                                            (Pointing to the corpse)

             She didn’t want you to. Think about that.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Man...

 

                                                            AJAX

             I have to go.

 

                                                            HARMODIUS

             All right.

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             Bye General!

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             See you later, General!

 

                                                            POLYDORUS

             You know, he barely acknowledged us.

 

                                                            HERMOCRITES

             Yes, I’m feeling alarmingly peripheral.