†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Lysistrata 3000

†††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††††††††† ††††††††† a play by Rory Leahy

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† inspired by Lysistrata by Aristophanes

††††††††††

 

††††††††††

 

†††††††††† Polydorus

††††† †††††††

†††††††††††† Hermocrites

†††††

†††††††††††† Harmodius

†††††

†††††††††††† Ajax

†††††

†††††††††††† Philoctes

†††††

†††††††††††† Lysistrata

†††††

†††††††††††† Calonice

†††††††

†††††††††††† Adora

††††††††††††

†††††††††††† Hirondelle

 

†††††††††† Rhodippe

 

†††††††††††† Lycon

†††††††††††

†††††††††††† Myrhinna

 

†††††††††† Lampito

 

†††††††††††† Salabaccha

 

†††††††††††† Menelaus

 

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† PROLOGUE

 

†††††††††††† A CHORUS takes the stage, while it speaks, various characters mime

††††††††††† the actions of which they speak when appropriate.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CHORUS

†††††††††††† Some time between now and the year 3000 AD, mankindís skill in the art of†††††††††††††††

††††††††††† inflicting death shall reach new levels of divine aesthetic inspiration. Billions††

perished in the Great Disaster, the trappings of civilization were cast into the

dust, as the remnants of the human race split into warring tribes. Among these

††††††† †††††tribes were Mutants, who were transformed, mentally by the fallout. They gained

†††††††††††† great mental powers but became strange and fearful to their fellow humans. Over

nearly two centuries, the world sunk deeper into Hell. But there were those

equipped with the means to preserve much of the old world, in isolated

monasteries, libraries and miraculously still functioning Internet cafes. It was

†††††††††††† decided, among the wisest men, that their ancestors had gone astray because†††

they had abandoned the morality and culture of the ancients, exemplified by the††

world of the classical pagan states. And so they erected the great nation of New

Athens, built on the model of Greece as it had been four thousand years before.

With a few modifications, such as a lesser emphasis on all the sodomy. Men of††

property became the ruling class, women and poorer men remained nominal

†††††††††††† citizens but were disenfranchised from major decision making, the Mutants

†††††††††††† became a marginalized but tolerated minority, and humanity came to believe the

†††††††††††† answer to the future was the recreation of the past.But conflicts among the elites

†††††††††††† soon led to a schism, as part of the nation broke away, declaring itself New

†††††††††††† Sparta. For a time, the two powers enjoyed peace, even working together to crush

†††††††††††† an invasion from the final remaining savage hordes. But a new Athenian

†††††††††††† Chancellor, Lycon emerged, determined to subdue the ďrebel provincesĒ of

†††††††††††† Sparta and unite humanity under his rule, thus less than fifty years after its

†††††††††††† creation, the new hope of peace gave way to war. Now two generals, Ajax and

†††††††††††† Menelaus, face each other across a narrow, bloody battlefield and the final end

†††††††††††† may at last be near...

††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ACT ONE, SCENE I

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Long day, huh?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† †††(Casually, rhetorically)

†††††††††††† Yep, another long day of brutal, dehumanizing warfare.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (The same)

†††††††††††† When will this terrible suffering end?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Hey I heard your brother died of a head wound a couple hours ago, that sucks.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† †††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Oh, thanks man. We werenít close though.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Hey, close call on the field earlier tonight. The guy with the axe?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Oh yeah, and he was swinging it andÖ

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Good thing we killed him before he killed us.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Name of the game.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Yeah. Iíve decided I donít really like killing though.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Iíve always thought it was kind of a dick thing to do myself.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† You know who I especially donít like killing? Women and children.

 

†††††† †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Yeah, that does especially bum me out.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† It should be against the rules of war.

 

†††††††††††††† †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† There arenít any rules of war silly, war is a lawless quagmire of savagery and

†††††††††††† anarchy.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Sure, it is now. But in the pre-Apocalyptic days, before the Great Disaster, there

†††††††††††† were rules. They were all written down in a book by a great man named

†††††††††††† Geneva. Geneva Convention.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† I never heard of that.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Oh yeah, back in those days, war was no big deal. It was just big virtual

†††††††††††† reality simulations, nobody ever got hurt and the good guys always won

†††††††††††

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Always?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† One of the rules!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS†††††††††††††

†††††††††††† Then how come there was a horrible apocalypse that killed billions of people

†††††††††††† and why are we fighting vicious wars of attrition today?

 

††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† The book must have gotten lost. Anyway it was a long time ago, back when

†††††††††††† men still walked on the moon.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Men never walked on the moon Hermocrites. Thatís a fairy tale.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† They did too, a great man named Hawking Einstein invented a spaceship that

††††††††† †††took men to the moon and brought back crazy moon-food and thatís why we

†††††††††††† have candy bars today.†††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† What do you suppose happened to this book youíre talking about?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† I donít know. But imagine what could happen if we found it! We could stop

†††††††††††† this war!

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† But we donít even know where to look.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Thereís an ancient library back in...

 

†††††††††††† HARMODIUS enters.†††††††††††

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† What are you two blathering about? Never mind, Iím sure itís something

†††††††††††† ridiculous.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Thatís probably a solid assumption, sir.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† How are you today, Captain Harmodius?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† In roughly the same state of crushing despair I was in yesterday.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Oh cheer up. sir. There are still beautiful flowers in the world...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Not in the immediate area of course, theyíve all been destroyed by years of

†††††††††††† constant battle.†† †††††

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Oh! But I have a fern...

 

††††††† †††††AJAX enters

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† General Ajax!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX†††††††††††††

†††††††††††† Men. You served well today. You all fought bravely and violently. Harmodius, I

†††††††††††† came by to tell you that Iím going home for a couple days to confer with the

†††††††††††† Chancellor.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Whatícha gonna talk about?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

†††††††††††† Thatís none of your business, soldier! I...Iím sorry, I shouldnít have snapped at

†††††††††††† you like that. Iíve been under a lot of stress lately.

 

††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Itís okay, sir.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

†††††††††††† Anyway, Harmodius, following the tragic death of Colonel Euripides, Iím

†††††††††††† placing you in command of this unit.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† Command? I...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

†††††††††††† Just try to look like you know what youíre...

 

††††††††††† The men suddenly notice a young SPARTAN GIRL approaching them stealthily.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Hi!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† SPARTAN GIRL

††††† †††††††Help me.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† You shouldnít be here, girl. This is an Athenian camp.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† SPARTAN GIRL

†††††††††††† Iím sorry. Iím lost...I havenít eaten...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† Okay, weíll get you some...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

†††††††††††† Donít.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† Ajax, sheís...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Training his weapon on her)

†††††††††††† Get out of here, girl. You shouldnít be here.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† SPARTAN GIRL

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Lifting her hand to reveal she has a grenade)

†††††††††††† Neither should you!

 

†††††††††††† All four men unload their weapons, she falls.

 

†††††††††††† HARMODIUS falls beside her body.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† What did we do, Ajax? What did we do?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††AJAX

†††††††††††† She had a grenade.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS
†††††††††††† She couldnít have been more than sixteen...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

†††††† ††††††Do you want to go home to Calonice and your children?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† Of course!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Pointing to the corpse)

†††††††††††† She didnít want you to. Think about that.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Man...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† AJAX

†††††††††††† I have to go.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HARMODIUS

†††††††††††† All right.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† Bye General!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† See you later, General!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† POLYDORUS

†††††††††††† You know, he barely acknowledged us.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† HERMOCRITES

†††††††††††† Yes, Iím feeling alarmingly peripheral.