SCENE II

             In downtown New Athens, various people are seen shopping in a marketplace. A 

             disembodied voice, PHILOCTES, is heard in a radio broadcast.

                                                                

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Good morning New Athens, this is Philoctes, voice of the people, speaker of

             truth and enemy of corruption, ready for another morning of sticking up for the

             little guy and sticking it to the bastards. You with me? I hope so, ‘cause Philoctes

             doesn’t take prisoners. He gets you in his sight, pulls the trigger and goes out

             for coffee before you’ve had time to say “My gods above, what a pure,

             unadulterated piece of man!”

 

             Two young women, LYSISTRATA and CALONICE enter.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Man, it’s cold today. My butt is technically an ice cube. The oracle says it’s

             supposed to warm up. I can never tell what they’re saying because they’re always

             rambling on about cold fronts and wind chills and the dangers of defying the will

             of the gods. Do you think it’ll warm up, Lysistrata?

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Even if it does life will still be a bleak, oppressive prison from which there is no

             earthly escape.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             You know it’s been really hard to have a casual conversation with you lately.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Sorry. All the usual stuff’s been getting me down.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Yeah.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Thanks for shopping with me. It gets pretty lonely at home these days.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Of course! You should come over to my place more you know, you’re a great

             help with Icarus and Persephone. And they miss you.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             I know, I’m sorry I haven’t. I’ve just been really contemplative I guess. Doesn’t

             help that we have to listen to this moron in every public place.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Adora’s supposed to be on the show today.

 

                                                             LYSISTRATA

             Yeah, in the role of “sacrificial lamb”.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             We begin today’s installment of broadcast excellence with the morning news. It’s

             Market Day, the day you ladies have been patiently waiting for all month!

             And the better news is that Chancellor Lycon has announced a twelve percent

             increase in this month’s food and household fuel allotments. Thirteen percent for

             consumers on the Alpha payment plan. Now, folks, you know I’m a journalist

             and I don’t have any political biases whatsoever, but I think we’re all a little

             grateful for the Chancellor’s generosity this morning. News from the front:

             two more battalions of New Spartan forces were decimated in the Battle of

             Burning Tire Iron Fields late last night. General Ajax is confidently predicting

             imminent victory.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

 Oh, General Ajax said it? Then they’re obviously not the words of a pompous,

 lying sellout...

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Lysistrata, he is your husband.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             You don’t have to bring that up.            

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Not everybody’s happy to see how well we’re doing however. The leader

             of the opposition party took the Senate floor yesterday afternoon to once

             again call for renewed peace talks with the Spartans. Subsequent reports

             indicate that when his position was challenged he immediately dived under his

             desk and began to weep like a little girl. The theme of our show today will be that

             age old question: “Women huh? What are you gonna do about ‘em?” Today

             we’re going to two very different representatives of the feminine gender. First,

             we’re going to be talking to Miss...Adora, Chairperson of Citizens United To

             Make Things Better. Later, we’ll have a chat with First Lady Hirondelle. As my

             listeners know, I never take sides, I just ask the tough questions and let you make

             the calls. Now Adora, your organization has a pretty cumbersome name doesn’t

             it?

 

                                                            ADORA

             It was a consensus choice, Philoctes.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             I mean what kind of an acronym is that? CUTMTB? Anyway, all humor aside...

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             I thought it already was.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Your group is basically a bunch of do-gooders right? 

 

                                                            ADORA

             Yes, we’d like to see New Athens improve social conditions for...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             You’re against the war for the liberation of New Sparta.

 

                                                            ADORA

             Um, our official policy is that we need a just and peaceful resolution

             to the current...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             So you’d like New Athens to lose then? Is that it?

 

                                                            ADORA

             No, I...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES
             Because if we don’t capture the Spartan capitol, we will have lost by definition.

 

                                                            ADORA

             Well some might...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             The Spartan separatist movement controls vast amounts of land and resources

             that rightfully belong to the Athenian people, in a time when drastic measures

             must be undertaken to feed and clothe the masses. Do you think that’s right?

 

                                                            ADORA

             We are far wealthier than the people of Sparta. Besides, if you want to talk about

             fair distribution of resources, let’s start with...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Is General Menelaus your hero?

 

                                                            ADORA

             I wouldn’t...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Because he’s not the most heroic of figures. In fact he’s known to be a shallow

             egomaniac with a chronic flatulence problem. That’s certainly not true of our

             General Ajax.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             What does he know about Ajax that I don’t?

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Well I wouldn’t call Ajax “shallow”.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             You know there’s a reason all their sports teams are nicknamed the Fartin’

             Spartans. (Loud fart sounds are heard) Oh my goodness, what’s happening in

             my studio? You’re one of them, aren’t you Adora?

 

                                                            ADORA

             That was certainly not me!

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Which brings me to another point.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Is he implying that he just had a point?

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Your group is primarily composed of broads right? Is involvement in politics

             really a good thing for women?

 

                                                            ADORA

             We believe...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             I mean men and women are different. Is that such a bad thing to say nowadays?

             This whole idea that men and women are exactly the same was one of the things

             that led to the Great Disaster. That’s why our grandparents decided to return

             to the ways of the ancients.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             No, the Great Disaster was caused by people like you, fascists who thought

             they could profit from human beings being vaporized!

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Why aren’t you on the show representing our group, Lysistrata? You’re actually

             capable of arguing.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             You answered your own question.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             I also understand there are Mutants in your group, including one...Myrhina. Do

             you really think that sends the right message to our children? That it’s acceptable

             for them to grow up to be Mutants?

 

                                                            ADORA

             I don’t think that’s really the way...        

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             You’re on the wrong side of history lady, and you’re also a pervert. I apologize

             to my listeners for exposing them to you. Now get the hell out of my sight.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Let’s just get our rations and go home

  

             A young woman behind a small kiosk greets them.

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             Madam Lysistrata, Madam Calonice.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             I didn’t know you were working here, Rhodippe.

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             Yeah, I needed to take a job to help out at home. It’s not so bad. It’s nice to see

             people being happy when they get what they need. The worst part is having to

             listen to Jerkface for hours. Anyway, I’ve got your orders here.

 

             (She starts to hand them bags)

 

             The other thing that sucks is having to give people less food if they’re on the

             Beta plan or whatever.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Yeah, well one of these days we’re gonna shove Lycon’s little caste system up

             his Alpha ass...

                                         

                                                            RHODIPPE

             This is why you’re awesome Lysistrata! You’re an older chick who speaks

             out.    

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Thanks...Older?

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             Well, older than me.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             By the way, give Calonice five extra servings of fruit on my account okay?

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Lysistrata, you don’t have...

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             You have children, I don’t. It’s ridiculous for me to take more than I need just

             because I’m the commanding general’s wife.             

 

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             My next guest is a lady who’s perhaps the polar opposite of my last one.

             Someone who’s dedicated her life to serving this country, and promoting a

 message of patriotism and virtue. I’m of course talking about Chancellor Lycon’s  

 beautiful, beautiful wife, First Lady Hirondelle.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Okay I can’t hold it down anymore, I’m going to vomit.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Not here in the marketplace.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Stop telling me where I can and cannot vomit!

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             Yeah, stop being an oppressor!

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             Well thank you, Philoctes, it’s great to hear you. You know my husband and I

             listen to you whenever we get the chance. It’s great to have someone with the

             courage to tell the truth on the airwaves.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Well you know I just call it like I see it. So what did you think of my last guest?

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             Well, Philoctes, I was raised to believe that everyone has the right to their own

             opinion, but I was also raised to believe that if your opinion is so radically

             different from other people’s, you should have the courtesy to keep it to yourself.

             I mean I’d be mortified if I had opinions like that.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             How involved are you in your husband’s policy decisions?

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             Oh, I’m a simple woman at heart, Philoctes, I don’t pretend to be a great

             intellectual or anything like that. I just happen to believe that it’s my duty,

             and everyone’s, to support our Chancellor.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             I understand you’re something of a songwriter, and that you’re working on

             a new patriotic song.

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE 

             Oh they warned me you’d ask about that...

 

                                                            PHILOCTES
             Come on, just a few notes.

            

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             Okay, but this is a work in progress. Ahem: (She begins to sing) O beautiful,

             irradiated skies, o mutant strains of grain! Our soldiers now are fighting hard to

             make you stay that way! The greatest nation under the sun, Athens must be the

             one! Our compassion and our justice have won us great renown! All the world

             shall fall in line as we smite our enemies down! So my fellow countrymen,

             salute our flag today! If you don’t do this, you’re a traitor no matter what you

             say! So my proud companions, let’s gather one and all, as our foes surrender

             in shame, together we stand tall!”

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA                                                   

                                                            (Covering her ears)

             Ow! Ow! Ow! That’s...Ow!

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Wow. You know, I’m not the kind of man who cries. In fact I’m the kind of man

             who beats the crap out of the kind of man who cries. But that was beautiful...

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             Well it came from the heart. You know, living with Lycon is a great inspiration.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             I’ve heard he’s a terrific husband and father.

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             He is, but not only to our children but all the people of New Athens. So I guess

             I’d like to say to the young lady you just talked to, instead of being a disgusting

             traitor, why don’t you consider being a good daughter instead? You might

             actually like it.

 

                                                            RHODIPPE            

             Be grateful you get to go home in a few minutes. I’ve got to listen to this stupid

             rah rah crap all day. I hate this stupid country.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             This land and it’s people are good, Rhodippe. We just have to work to make them

             better.

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             But what’s the point? Nothing ever changes!

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             And you’ve lived so long that you can say that for sure? We’re better off than we

             were a hundred years ago. Isolated tribes were living in desperate conditions.

             We’ve done a lot to reverse the old barbarism. We don’t stone people

             anymore, we don’t sacrifice virgins...

 

                                                            CALONICE                                  

             Yeah, now we just make fun of them.

         

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             But we’ve still got a long way to go. Look at that. (She points to a soldier 

             receiving friendly attention from two young  women) They’re drooling all over 

             him just because he’s wearing a damn uniform. Any woman under twenty one

             is a damn fool. Present company excepted of course.

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             You know I hate this war and the criminals who started it more than anyone.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Then I’m sure if your boyfriend were back from the front right now...

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             We’d be screwing each other senseless.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             But wouldn’t you be...

                                                            RHODIPPE

             It’s not like it’s his fault. Besides, we’ve got to use the time we have.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             We were their age only a couple of years ago, Lysistrata.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             Yeah, and we were stupid! I can still remember when I first saw Ajax in that

             cadet’s uniform. How hot he was. How he was this great hero.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Harmodius was in art school when I first met him. I never wanted him to be a

             hero.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             You were smarter than I was.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             It was less than a month after we were married when they took him. He’s so

             different now. Distant. He used to be so warm...

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             He doesn’t paint anymore does he?

 

                                                            CALONICE

             No. Not since he did that portrait of the capital he was hoping would become the

             national symbol when he left.

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             I always liked that painting a lot.  It had a real vision of what Athens was

             supposed to be.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             What it could have been. He never really finished that painting. He doesn’t look

             at it when he comes home anymore. He barely even looks at me. I don’t know

             what happened to him out there...

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

                                                            (Putting her arm around her)

             It’s like Rhodippe said, it’s not his fault.

 

                                                            RHODIPPE

             That’s right. It’s our fault. It’s our fault because we’re not doing anything. This

             war is killing thousands and we’re just talking. Our whole little group, the

             Citizens United for Whatever. We’re a joke.

 

                                                            CALONICE

             Rhodippe...

 

                                                            LYSISTRATA

             No, she’s right. We need to start doing more than talk. We’ve been polite long

             enough. This war is destroying what’s left of the human race and we’re meekly

             suggesting that it would be nice if they stopped it. But that’s not going to cut it

             anymore. From now on, we’re through being polite. We’re going to be smarter,

             stronger, bolder. We’re going to wake people up and show the world  that we’re

             not backing down anymore. Or, you know, words to that effect.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             You realize of course, First Lady Hirondelle, that I’m an independent thinker

             and I’m not gonna let you off the hook without asking you at least one tough

             question you might not like.

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             Oh no, they warned me about this. Okay, fire away.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Are you sure you’re ready for this? Because you know me, there’s no way

             I’m going to let you wriggle out of this.

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE

             No, I’m ready as I’ll ever be.

 

                                                            PHILOCTES

             Okay. Is that your real hair color?

 

                                                            HIRONDELLE
             It sure is, Philoctes!

 

                                                            PHILOCTES
             Oh come on, it’s too pretty...