alone and forsaken

The breaking point for me came when I received an email from this girl. We had a group project to do together for class, and we needed to meet up to work on it. So I sent her an email, asking her if 7pm at the library was okay, and she wrote back that it was, and that should have been the end of it, but at the end of her email...well, you know how some people have what are called "signature" files on their emails? Basically, a couple lines of text at the end of every one they send. Might have their webpage, or a famous quote or something. She didn't have either of those, but she had this line. "Jesus loves you". "Jesus loves you". And I thought about the walk from my apartment to the library, and how I was going to have to go past the campus ministries, and they were probably going to say the same thing on their bulletin boards out front. Maybe slightly different words, but the same message and all up in my face about it. "Jesus loves you". You know what? I'm tired of it. Stop telling me that Jesus loves me. You don't know anything about my relationship with Jesus. He may love you, and that's fine, but Jesus has no love for me. The fact is, I owe Jesus five dollars and he wants his money. We went bowling and he paid for the lanes because I didn't have any cash. I think I was very up front about it. It was his idea in the first place. I'd have been fine watching a video, but Jesus said he'd cover me. Well, boy, did that ever turn sour. There were these two happy, burbling couples next to us and I think they got in Jesus's head or something, because he was rolling like shit. And, I don't know, I rolled pretty well. I guess I just don't get rattled like Jesus does. I didn't mean to lord it over the Lord, but when we went up to return our shoes, he was pissed. I handed him the scorecard, and Jesus did not look back at me with love. Jesus looked back in anger. He didn't say a word, just asked me when I thought I'd have the five dollars. I said I didn't know. I'd try to have it soon. Well, next thing I know, he's spreading word around town that I'm some sort of deadbeat. I ran into Zeus and found out Jesus said I stole the five dollars. And of course no one believes me, because I'm just a college student and he's the son of God. That's another thing that pisses me off. I saw this sign about how Jesus is forgiving. The hell he is. He had the pope excommunicate my cat. What kind of a shitty thing is that to do? My cat has led a noble and decent life and now it's not going to go to heaven. "Jesus loves you". I think he just has people say that so I feel guilty about the money I owe him. So, next time you get the bright idea to go tell some stranger that Jesus loves them, think about it for a moment. Some of us don't want to hear it. We all have our own relationships with God, and you don't know jack about mine. Jesus doesn't love me. I owe Jesus five dollars, and for that reason I am alone and forsaken.

alone and forsaken by marc heiden march 2000