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    <title>I woke up in a strange place.</title>
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   <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3</id>
    <link rel="service.post" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3" title="I woke up in a strange place." />
    <updated>2010-09-02T05:08:21Z</updated>
    
    <generator uri="http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/">Movable Type 3.2</generator>
 
<entry>
    <title>Vietnam, 2</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/09/vietnam_2.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=502" title="Vietnam, 2" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.502</id>
    
    <published>2010-09-02T01:02:57Z</published>
    <updated>2010-09-02T05:08:21Z</updated>
    
    <summary>More letters home from Vietnam. (Previously.) I&apos;m in a city called Can Tho. You might be able to find it on your map, depending on how detailed it is - check along the Mekong, in southern Vietnam. Last night I...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Monkeys and Apes" />
            <category term="Vietnam" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p><em>More letters home from Vietnam. (<a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/vietnam_1.html">Previously</a>.)</em></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3417311305/" title="The Mekong River in the morning (1) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3605/3417311305_c4cf5bf26b.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The Mekong River in the morning (1)" /></a><br />
 <br />
I'm in a city called Can Tho. You might be able to find it on your map, depending on how detailed it is - check along the Mekong, in southern Vietnam. Last night I was in Chau Doc, which you might be able to find near the Cambodia border, but it's quite small. No internet cafes. Can Tho has a few, but they're bizarre. I'm the only person here not playing an RPG or a keyboard-based version of Dance Dance Revolution. (It's loud and obnoxious, actually.) It's all housed in a dusty shack with a badly-aging paint job, and Google thinks I am spyware because of my location - I keep having to do those "type the word in this picture" tests every time I want to read or send an email, or even search the web. Despite its relatively large size (300,000 people), this is definitely a "gape in total shock at the foreigner" city.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3438211572/" title="Can Tho skyline by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3312/3438211572_6a076bd760.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Can Tho skyline" /></a><br />
 <br />
I met a Japanese kid and split a hotel room with him last night. It was fun to break out a bit of Japanese, and he seemed to enjoy it, too. Virtually all Japanese people who travel abroad travel in big guided tour groups, totally insulated and doing nothing for themselves, but if you do meet a Japanese person who's traveling independently, they always have the most amazing plans. Takeshi, the kid from last night, is on a six month break from university and plans to cover China (done), Vietnam (done), Cambodia, Thailand, Australia, Africa, South America (Chile, Argentina, Brazil), and more. By himself, with one backpack, in six months. It made me feel pretty unambitious by comparison.<br />
 <br />
This was the second day of my three-day jaunt along the Mekong River. Tomorrow night I'll take a bus from Saigon to Nha Trang, which is a beach city, and I'm not sure how long I'll stay there. Probably just overnight, although maybe even shorter, depending on my initial reaction to the city. If I step off the bus and it's just drunk foreigners stumbling around, I'll take off. (The bus gets in at like 5:30am, and leaves around 7:00pm that night.) The two Mekong days have been good so far, very relaxing.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3404447744/" title="Strangers passing in the daylight by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3443/3404447744_fe239126ff.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Strangers passing in the daylight" /></a><br />
 <br />
It's hot here, but I don't think this trip will get any hotter than Angkor in Cambodia. I'm still not bronze (too scrupulous with the sun-screen), but have settled into a pleasant gold. My soak-the-shirt-with-sweat level is in decline, thankfully. And hot water and air conditioning seem to be everywhere in Vietnam - those would double or triple your hotel rate in Cambodia.<br />
 <br />
I'm going to punch the teenager next to me if I stick around too long, so I'd better wrap this up. Sorry. (He keeps looking over here to figure out what I could possibly be doing with a computer that doesn't involve pressing arrow keys to make animated characters on a pseudo-NYC basketball court dance.) I meant to write longer. I should have a little time to write tomorrow night between getting back to Saigon and catching the bus. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3438212126/" title="Cafe in Can Tho by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3635/3438212126_f45c9f0131.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Cafe in Can Tho" /></a></p>

<p>I have big, round hickeys all over my back. After I writing some emails, I walked back to my hotel - circa 10pm - and at the city's major intersection, a man and a woman had mats laid out on the sidewalk. "Massa?" the woman called out. I stopped, intrigued by the total ludicrousness of the offer. "How much?" I asked. "Fi' dolla," she said. "I don't know," I said. She jumped up, ran around behind me and started massaging my shoulders. "Oh, fine," I said, figuring I'd spent way too much time sitting on buses over the last few days, and since it was a husband and wife team and they were right out in the open - on the sidewalk! - why not? So I took off my shirt and laid town on the mat, and both the man and the woman set to work smacking various parts of my body. They were distracted for a while by my back hair, and sent into spasms of hilarity by my chest hair. I just laughed and watched cars go by. </p>

<p>Eventually, another customer (Vietnamese) came by, so the man went to work on him, and the woman lit a small torch and began putting small wine glasses on my back. I couldn't see exactly how she was doing it, but she was using the heat from the torch to create a vacuum inside the glass, which then made the glass suck on my skin. I'm not sure if it had any therapeutic value or not, but it was pretty memorable to be lying on the sidewalk at a major intersection with no shirt and several wine-glasses stuck to my back and arms. She offered to do my front as well, but it was getting near 11pm, and the doors of the hotel were supposed to close then, so she plucked off the wine glasses and I headed back to my room. Now I have a few dark hickeys on my back, which is perfect timing for going to the beach today and tomorrow. </p>

<p>The wine-glass massage felt okay. My left arm was a little sore the next day - the husband was much stronger than the wife and he was working on that side - but not painful. The hickeys still look gross, but again, no pain. A good hour-long Thai massage costs less than $5, whereas the Vietnamese are experts at tacking things on to the cost - it'd cost more like $45 here, so I haven't bothered with a proper one. (The sidewalk massage, as I said, was an even $5, which was exactly what I had left in US dollars in my wallet at that time. I guess they had about $5 worth of expertise. Fair enough.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3450378934/" title="Along the banks of the Mekong River (8) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3053/3450378934_9480ab5e7f.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Along the banks of the Mekong River (8)" /></a></p>

<p>Only a few minutes to write and eat dinner. I had 45 minutes between buses, thought it would be an hour and a half. Nha Trang in the morning - look north, along the coast.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3459418492/" title="Nha Trang by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3479/3459418492_829d8a209f.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Nha Trang" /></a></p>

<p>The overnight bus ride could have been worse. I certainly didn't sleep well, but I woke up without any lasting aches or pains, so I guess I got through it okay. Stumbled into a hotel room without really being aware of what I was doing and slept a couple hours more, was relieved upon awaking to discover that it was a reasonably nice room ($6 a night). The weather is incrementally cooler here. Although there as many foreigners a locals from what I've seen so far, I'm inclined to relax on the beach for a day or two. There are some islands out in the bay and I saw mention of a "Monkey Island" so I'm going to look into chartering a boat.</p>

<p>The local internet cafe had a printer - I helped them set it up, and they decided to charge about 12 cents a page - and I found a boat to take me to Monkey Island tomorrow. (Apparently, the official name is Lao Island.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3462716212/" title="Palm trees lean by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3484/3462716212_2ebe06baca.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Palm trees lean" /></a><br />
 <br />
After I wrote that last email, I ate lunch (most expensive meal I've had in all of Southeast Asia - almost $7), went back to my hotel to change into swimwear, and then set off for the beach. It's only two and a half blocks from my hotel. It wasn't cold by any means, but it wasn't really sunbathing weather either, so after reading for a few minutes, I went into the water. Because of the wind, the waves were too high to swim very far out to sea. Most people were staying within a few yards of the shore and pogo-ing to catch the (quite large) waves.<br />
 <br />
And then I saved a girl from drowning. She and her boyfriend were a distance to my right, and everyone else was to my left. They were too close to the jagged poles of an old wooden reef. A giant wave hit, way over my head. I went under for a couple of seconds and came up, laughing, my shorts most of the way down my legs. But I happened to look over there and saw that, somehow, the girl had been pulled way out to sea - the tide was quite strong - and her (short) boyfriend was still struggling to get his balance in the foam. She started screaming, so I swam over there as fast as I could. I caught her hand and pulled her to my chest as two big waves hit. I was able to keep her head above water, but got two big nosefuls of salt water for myself. Then I swam with her back to shore. She was dazed, but she seemed to recover quickly. (No CPR necessary.)<br />
 <br />
So, pretty exciting. And my stomach has been queasy ever since from all that salt-water.</p>

<p>My mother emailed me to wish me a Happy Easter. (She'd like to believe I know when Easter is and will do anything about it, I guess.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3441673156/" title="Jesus in Vietnam by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3305/3441673156_2376e9e244.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Jesus in Vietnam" /></a></p>

<p>Of course I'm alive, Mom. It takes a little more than a couple of border crossings to get rid of me. I'm in Nha Trang along the southern coast of Vietnam if you'd like to follow on a map. (Or, knowing you, maybe you'd just rather not know.)</p>

<p>(<em>ED: My mother was, indeed, happier not knowing any more than that, and politely declined to hear about anything else I did for the rest of the trip.</em>)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3470974438/" title="From an island by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3521/3470974438_de03708b31.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="From an island" /></a></p>

<p>Exhausted again, but all's well. I have a bus to catch in about an hour. The boats worked out fine today. I spent the morning on an island, just swimming and gazing out at the blue blue sea, and then in the afternoon, I took another boat to the monkey island. I was kind of worried because, shortly after setting foot on the island, I lost the ability to say anything other than "monkeys monkeys monkeys", and I had some concern that it might be a permanent condition, but in time, clarity was restored. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3487989661/" title="King of the old go-kart shed by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3541/3487989661_39c8d30cea.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="King of the old go-kart shed" /></a></p>

<p>Whoever manages this island wasn't doing anything to keep the monkey population under control like the Japanese do at their various monkey centers, so there were quite a few monkeys running amok on beach chairs and idle jet skis, probably more than the island should be able to handle. I think some people tried to establish a beach resort here, but the monkeys aren't having it. There were a few odd tourist attractions like a go-kart track, and the monkeys kept wandering out on the track as well.</p>

<p>Needless to say, I took something like 400 pictures, and will have quite an effort to whittle that down to a manageable number on the bus tonight.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3473360376/" title="Made a move on the canoe by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3366/3473360376_5ffc48bbfe.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Made a move on the canoe" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3476203849/" title="Monkey break-out by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3355/3476203849_e79c5b91a8.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monkey break-out" /></a></p>

<p>Basically, imagine Detroit after they win a sports championship, but substitute monkeys for people, and it's a beach instead of the ghetto, and they win a championship <em>every day</em>.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3494056343/" title="Pushing this jet ski out to sea by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3331/3494056343_2b1cbe8f06.jpg" width="500" height="359" alt="Pushing this jet ski out to sea" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3500913598/" title="Monkeys and beach chairs by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3370/3500913598_4b1e8b2c49.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monkeys and beach chairs" /></a><br />
 <br />
It did occur to me that I might have died before I arrived on Monkey Island. I had actually saved a girl from drowning the day before. I was sprawled out on one of the beach chairs as monkeys shook the umbrella next to me, apparently hoping that food would fall out of it, and I thought, maybe she pulled me under, and now I am in heaven. But the smell of monkey poop reminded me that I was still very much on earth. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3486127298/" title="The classy end of Monkey Island by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3638/3486127298_60d506a0c6.jpg" width="500" height="360" alt="The classy end of Monkey Island" /></a><br />
 <br />
Probably too much sun today. I'll have an easier time sleeping on the bus tonight than I did two nights ago.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Lacunae</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/lacunae.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=504" title="Lacunae" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.504</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-31T01:58:38Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-31T00:09:17Z</updated>
    
    <summary>Things are lost, but the space remains. If you are like me, you are often barely paying attention to the world around you, but you snap to attention whenever there is a monkey. For much of the summer, these commercials...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Monkeys and Apes" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>Things are lost, but the space remains.</p>

<p>If you are like me, you are often barely paying attention to the world around you, but you snap to attention whenever there is a monkey. For much of the summer, these commercials were running on television, and I could not figure out what they were for, because I was never paying attention for the first twenty seconds. I would usually become aware as this chimp in a white sequined Evel Knievel jumpsuit strode into the upper left-hand corner of the frame, which was otherwise filled by parked cars. The announcer would say, "Oh, wait...there's a monkey." The chimp would press down the switch on one of those boxes commonly associated with dynamite, and glitter would rain down on the cars. Possibly the last couple of seconds would explain what the commercial was for, but I was always agog, and never able to capture that information.</p>

<p>It was very confusing. (It has been a confusing summer. I have a beard?) I kept searching Google for things like <a href="http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=hp&q=ape+with+explosive+device&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=CjmDiWAx7TIHCEIGwNIzUvdkEAAAAqgQFT9DDJ1Q&pbx=1&fp=93c3c78db929eee0">"ape with explosive device"</a> and <a href="http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=hp&q=chimpanzee+glitter+bomb+anarchy&btnG=Google+Search&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=chimpanzee+glitter+bomb+anarchy&gs_rfai=CsOXJvAx7TIubJY_KMrbywLsEAAAAqgQFT9BwYVg&pbx=1&fp=93c3c78db929eee0">"chimpanzee glitter bomb anarchy"</a> and found nothing useful at all.</p>

<p>Then it got fucking weird because the chimp became invisible. The same commercial was running, but now the announcer would say "Oh, wait...there's an invisible monkey." And the jumpsuit would come striding out there, but there was nobody in it.</p>

<p>It was around this time that I sent out all those inquiries about where NASA is with regard to a moon base, because I have had it with life on Earth if chimpanzee glitter bomb anarchy has gone into stealth mode. (If you are reading this from NASA, fuck you for not returning my emails. See if I write back next time you're losing sleep over whether some asteroid really does look like Sean Connery.)</p>

<p>Well, anyway, good news, sort of, because the chimp did not disappear on its own &mdash; it was disappeared by PETA.</p>

<p><a href="http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/unleashed/2010/08/invisible-dodge-monkey.html">(LA Times)</a> <em>On Dodge's website they explained how after just two e-mails alerting them about the mistreatment that animals often suffer in order to make commercials, they decided to change their spot. They wrote how they were unaware about the bad practices that some animals endure to be trained for ads. "We were saddened to learn this, and in the spirit of Dodge we wanted to take action. We decided to take the spot off the air, and we stopped a full-page newspaper spread from running. Dodge is firmly committed to never using great apes in our advertisements again. We released a new commercial. The footage is identical, only this time you won't see Suzie."</p>

<p>PETA let us know that they were happy with the "invisible monkey."</em></p>

<p>That link has video of both versions of the commercial, which as it turns out is for some trucks.</p>

<p>I understand PETA's reasoning &mdash; abusive training practices, social isolation, and all that. Bad stuff. Lord knows I don't enjoy being in show business, shame to subject chimps to this nonsense. Keeping apes out of advertising is good for chimps in general, but a bit rough for Suzie in specific, as she is now unemployed and will have to find some other line of work. (<a href="http://theyearofthemonkey.net/">Perhaps in an office.</a>) You can prevent other chimps from being trained, but you can't prevent Suzie from having been trained.</p>

<p>What fills the space? What do you see when you see an invisible monkey?</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/60113095/" title="The monkey's viewpoint? by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/29/60113095_d9f01f2f17.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The monkey's viewpoint?" /></a></p>

<p>If you are like me, you often wonder what monkeys would do in various situations, but you also wonder what specific monkeys are up to these days, ones you haven't seen or heard about in a while. I had some inkling that the chimp from <em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0196106/">MVP: Most Valuable Primate</a></em> and <em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285685/">MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate</a></em> had a new series coming out on HBO, but it turns out that's actually <a href="http://www.hbo.com/#/index.html/eNrjcmbO0CzLTEnNd8xLzKksyUx2zs8rSa0oUc-PSYEJBSSmp-ol5qYyFzLnszECoXwySFFeia2hgbmRmakRJyMjAJQMFm8=">Steve Buscemi</a>, so I was pleased to learn that, instead, the chimp has a cushy retirement ahead of him.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.mercurynews.com/top-stories/ci_15892550?nclick_check=1">(Oakland Tribune)</a> <em>Before they started swinging from ropes and munching on popcorn and raisins at the Oakland Zoo, Bernie and Eddie had careers in television and movies.</p>

<p>They are still stars at the zoo, but now they are starting to mingle with five new chimps, playing hide-and-seek inside their leafy, expansive glass-enclosed home and entertaining thousands of zoo visitors each week.</p>

<p>Steve Ross, chairman of the Chimpanzee Species Survival Plan and director of Project ChimpCARE, which helped direct the move to the zoo, said brothers Bernie and Eddie were owned by Greg and Carol Lille, who live near Sacramento and trained chimpanzees for films, advertisements and print media, such as greeting cards, for more than 30 years.</p>

<p>"The Lilles worked cooperatively with all the zoos to place the chimps and were instrumental in ensuring these chimps were provided the opportunity to live out their lives in long-term sustainable housing such as at the Oakland Zoo," Ross said.</p>

<p>Greg Lille said he was under contract not to talk about the chimpanzee's past work history and declined to comment Wednesday. According to published reports, Bernie was the star of a hockey team in the 2000 movie "MVP: Most Valuable Primate," and its 2001 sequel "MVP2: Most Vertical Primate," where he plays hockey and rides skateboards.</p>

<p>Bernie, 16, and Eddie, 20, have over the past few months been integrated with Oakland's one male and four females. Eddie has become the peacekeeper in the group; Bernie had a little trouble with the lone male, Moses, at the beginning; the two now seem to be warming up to each other, zoo officials said.</em></p>

<p>It sounds like there might have been a <a href="http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809429381/details">fabricated biting incident</a>, but it's all sorted out now. </p>

<p>(Obviously, we don't talk about <em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0330588/">MXP: Most Xtreme Primate</a></em> on this website. It is non-canonical. Don't even bring it up.)</p>

<p>So here's hoping Suzie has a pension plan, and has not borrowed against her pension for more glitter bombs. I know how tempting that is.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Kim Jong Ilbook</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/kim_jong_ilbook.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=499" title="Kim Jong Ilbook" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.499</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-29T08:11:49Z</published>
    <updated>2010-09-02T05:15:19Z</updated>
    
    <summary>Look! It&apos;s the news, or what passes for it: (AP) North Korea appears to have added Facebook to the social networking sites it recently joined to ramp up its propaganda war against South Korea and the U.S. The account opened...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="North Korea" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>Look! It's the news, or what passes for it:</p>

<p><a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100821/ap_on_hi_te/as_nkorea_facebook">(AP)</a> <em>North Korea appears to have added Facebook to the social networking sites it recently joined to ramp up its propaganda war against South Korea and the U.S.</p>

<p>The account opened late Thursday under the Korean username "uriminzokkiri," meaning "on our own as a nation," an official at South Korea's Communications Standards Commission said Friday.</p>

<p>The Facebook account, which describes itself as male, says it is interested in men and is looking for networking. The account had 50 friends as of Friday.</p>

<p>Its profile picture is of the Three Charters for National Reunification Memorial Tower, a 100-foot (30-meter) monument in Pyongyang that "reflects the strong will of the 70 million Korean people to achieve the reunification of the country with their concerted effort," according to the official Korean Central News Agency.</em></p>

<p>I assume <a href="http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Uriminzokkiri/124452740935216?ref=search">this</a> is the account in question, but it's a fan page, not a profile, suggesting that the poor bastard in charge of North Korea's social media presence wised up and converted the profile into a fan page, possibly in response to his entire family being sent to labor camps. Of course, if you look at the fan page, said poor bastard is probably at a labor camp too, as the wall has been overrun with photos like <a href="http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31354947&o=all&op=1&view=all&subj=124452740935216&id=1107690160">this</a>.</p>

<p>He was probably pretty happy to get transferred from the Department of Agriculture, which is widely known as the worst job in North Korea because if Kim Jong Il's fatherly love is not fertilizing the crops then <em>it is your fault</em>. But, as it turns out, running social media for the Hermit Kingdom is a mook's game, too.  </p>

<p>(Like <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/2010/07/30/north-korean-soccer-team-punished-for-world-cup-exit.html">soccer</a>. Bad scene, everybody's fault.)</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Vietnam, 1</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/vietnam_1.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=501" title="Vietnam, 1" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.501</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-23T14:26:05Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-24T00:34:58Z</updated>
    
    <summary>More letters home. These are from Vietnam, following on from this and this. I&apos;m in Saigon (or Ho Chi Minh City, as it&apos;s now officially named). The trip from Cambodia was easy and about four hours less than I was...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Vietnam" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p><em>More letters home. These are from Vietnam, following on from <a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/06/thailand.html">this</a> and <a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/06/cambodia.html">this</a>.</em></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3373238390/" title="Saigon traffic (5) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3657/3373238390_056e454194.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Saigon traffic (5)" /></a></p>

<p>I'm in Saigon (or Ho Chi Minh City, as it's now officially named). The trip from Cambodia was easy and about four hours less than I was expecting. Usually, these bus companies make up for the low ticket price by getting a commission from unnecessary stops at restaurants along the way (and a hotel at the end), but that didn't happen with this one. And there was virtually no line at the border.</p>

<p>The main Thailand / Cambodia border crossing is a widely-renowned shithole, but the Cambodia / Vietnam border was easy. Immigration at land crossings are interesting, compared to airports. There's usually just one guy, and he is the king of that little kingdom. There are no laws except those which he chooses to recognize. The guy at the Vietnam crossing, for example, was standing next to the 'No Smoking' sign with a cigarette. (At an airport, if some immigration official went off the rails, you could take a step back and appeal to someone in another line, and there's probably a manager on the premises as well.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3328470790/" title="At the border between Cambodia and Vietnam by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3603/3328470790_f0199d08e0.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="At the border between Cambodia and Vietnam" /></a></p>

<p>It costs $20 to get a visa into Cambodia. The federal government posted a sign with the cost at the border office, which frustrates the border officials, because in the past, they could charge whatever they wanted, and it's not like you had somewhere else you could go. Now, they try to get you to pay in Thai money instead - 1000 baht, which works out to close to $30 - and then they can keep the extra $10. I met a couple of indie kids from Omaha, so we did that leg of the trip together, and we all insisted on paying the proper $20, so the immigrations guy stewed and told us "it's longtime three hours", even though there was nobody else there, although he hinted we could expedite the whole thing with an extra 100 baht apiece. The weather wasn't bad, so we just sat and waited, and reveled as more travelers arrived and refused to pay the extra fee. (Only two people folded - they got theirs in three minutes.) Finally, after two hours or so, somebody brought the immigration guy's lunch, so he handed out our visas so he could eat in peace.</p>

<p>Vietnam was different - the visa was paid for before we hit the border, so it was just a process of checking them in and then getting bags x-rayed (although not pockets or body, leading me to wonder what the point was) and then heading onward. The Cambodian and Vietnamese visas are both full-page stickers (with stamps on the preceding page). I only have three blank pairs of pages left. I've been living well!</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3389574625/" title="Communist paradise by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3273/3389574625_d2fc3c427c.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Communist paradise" /></a></p>

<p>I'm happy here so far. The internet connection is all right, and cheap; food was fine, and cheap as well. The hotel room is probably the nicest I've had thus far, and my first since Bangkok to have hot water (although no pool, which the Bangkok one did have). It costs $10 or 160,000 dong a night. I have five currencies in my wallet right now. Again, I must be living well. (You would not believe how old and scummy the Cambodian paper bills are. It's awesome.) The best thing about Vietnam is that the words for "thank you" are pronounced "come on". I really enjoy that.</p>

<p>Going to the Cu Chi tunnels tomorrow. They are meant for people much shorter than me.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3356309693/" title="Shooting machine guns again by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3602/3356309693_208646a4bf.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Shooting machine guns again" /></a></p>

<p>I fired an AK-47 today. I'd been satisfied after the M-16 episode in Cambodia, but there was this clearing near the tunnels where they were selling bullets for about $1.30 apiece (minimum purchase five), and I suddenly felt two things:</p>

<p>1. Gratitude, because I'd been going through these jungles where actual combat took place, and the sound of those machine guns in the distance had added a big chunk of verisimilitude to the whole experience;<br />
2. Scholarly duty, because during the war, Americans used M-16s, and the Vietcong used AK-47s, so I thought this would help me see both sides. (They both made my shoulder hurt.)</p>

<p>So I bought five bullets and put them to use. As it turns out, firing the AK-47 was very loud (no headphones provided), kicked pretty hard against my shoulder (same as the M-16), and jammed up every couple of shots (unlike the M-16). I didn't get a target sheet, so I don't know how my accuracy compared.</p>

<p>All in all, I understand G.I. Joe and Cobra a little better now.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3351500352/" title="That's my tank by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3045/3351500352_2b85d7ff52.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="That's my tank" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3350677509/" title="American M41 Tank Was Destroyed By Landmine In 1970 by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3619/3350677509_35721d9632.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="American M41 Tank Was Destroyed By Landmine In 1970" /></a></p>

<p>Anyway, I'm done with guns now, unless someone offers me a rocket launcher for, say, under $10 a pop. (I may go as high as $15, but you have to start these negotiations low.) A few years ago, when Cambodia was way, way out of control, you could get a combo deal on a cow and a shell for a rocket launcher - you blow up the cow, the locals get to keep the meat. Now, Cambodia is only way out of control, so there is no blowing up of cows, as far as I could tell. (Not that I would have!)</p>

<p>It's funny to read you saying that there are "rumors floating around". I'm sure none of them involve me in the Vietnam jungle firing off Soviet assault rifles. It is a fine thing when the truth of one's life is stranger than the fiction by such a margin.</p>

<p>My legs are in trouble, sad to say. Those tunnels were not meant for me. (That was the whole point of why they built them that way, actually.) The long bus rides haven't been doing them any favors either, I guess. But we're invincible until we're 30, right? I thought that was the biological deal. I'm assuming I'll be better when I wake up. Tomorrow I'm going to try to tackle Saigon itself, and then the day after that, I'm off to the Mekong Delta (big river) and probably out of contact for a couple of days.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3349170060/" title="Tour Guide: A Very Small Man by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3549/3349170060_85a41c7a44.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Tour Guide: A Very Small Man" /></a></p>

<p>I haven't written much about my own reaction to all of this for two reasons. One is training as a writer - when doing sociological field research, we were always supposed to take tons of notes, ideally, immediately thereafter - professors had wild statistics like that you lose 65% of  the detail of an experience by the next day. I think that's true, actually, although maybe not to that extent - but once you form your emotional reaction to an experience, you do start discarding the things that don't contribute directly to the narrative of that reaction. So if you want a rich story, get all of the details down first, and figure out what you think about them later - there's always time for that. Admittedly, while I know that's a good idea, I'm totally undisciplined about taking proper notes. I wish I would. But, yeah, the first time you hear about something from me, you just hear the details. I am the invisible voyager in the things I do.</p>

<p>Also, when you're alone for this long, a silence does come over you, and you get used to observing things and storing them away for later instead of reacting to them right there and then. I like stumbling across my own reaction to places I've been, sometimes a few months later - it comes as a surprise, but that's one of the things I like about travel, discovering the shape the experience has taken in my memory.</p>

<p>So there's that.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3338652225/" title="Pantheon of Cao Dai by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3664/3338652225_f56eb3085a.jpg" width="500" height="367" alt="Pantheon of Cao Dai" /></a></p>

<p>The morning trip was to the head temple of Cao Dai, a religion (12 million followers, mostly Vietnamese) which is a mish-mash of Confucianism, Taoism, and Buddhism, but also has a strong Catholic influence (Jesus was floating above the altar, a notch below Buddha, right next to Confucius), floating eyeballs (like on the back of the dollar bill), and holds Victor Hugo (French author of Les Miserables) as one of its Three Major Saints, with Thomas Jefferson as one of the minor saints. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3344201730/" title="Sun Yat Sen, Victor Hugo, and Another Fellow sign a pact with God by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3375/3344201730_c18d883157.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Sun Yat Sen, Victor Hugo, and Another Fellow sign a pact with God" /></a></p>

<p>The temple was totally surreal. I got to see about twenty minutes of their mass, which was mostly just chanting and bowing. Unfortunately, nobody was really on hand to explain any of it. It's a serious religion, but I don't think I've ever been in a stranger building. It was a brief but exhilarating experience. I have high hopes for those photos.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3336093182/" title="White dresses by the eye by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3622/3336093182_2d1d6769c5.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="White dresses by the eye" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3341374932/" title="Blue surrounded by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3380/3341374932_d4795f0f29.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Blue surrounded" /></a></p>

<p>The afternoon was the tunnels. I was disappointed there, overall. The place was definitely for real - the Vietnamese army still trains around there - but as a visitor, there was way too much being led around (above-ground) and being shown cheap models and mannequins, and not enough independent wandering. (Although, as I said, 100 meters in those pitch-black tunnels had my legs fucked.) </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3359869200/" title="In the Cu Chi Tunnels by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3626/3359869200_86350a5556.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="In the Cu Chi Tunnels" /></a></p>

<p>We had to sit through a video beforehand that would have been hysterically funny if a friend were along - think those clumsy, heavily-narrated black-and-white WWII newsreel clips about heroic GIs smashing Nazi Germany, but swap Vietnamese villagers for the GIs and "Americans" for Nazi Germany. "American Killer Hero!" chirped the Vietnamese Troy McClure over an image of a short, smiling woman in one of those pointy hats. "She is three times American Killer Hero." The woman smiles and waves.</p>

<p>If you're alone, that's just funny (and vaguely offensive), but if you have a friend to award "American Killer Hero!" for the rest of the day, it becomes a great day.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3354526362/" title="Careful! Bad Vietcong art. (5) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3542/3354526362_f10e3f9de4.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Careful! Bad Vietcong art. (5)" /></a></p>

<p>Let's see. About helmets on motorbikes - my hired driver for Angkor Wat had a helmet for me, although he wasn't wearing one himself. Otherwise, no, for those cross-town taxi-moto rides, nobody involved had a helmet on. I don't think anyone can really afford them, to be honest. It is interesting how much of the traffic in all three countries has been motorbikes, though. Bangkok is rich enough to have a fair number of cars, but everywhere else has been almost exclusively motorbikes. One of the moto drivers in Phnom Penh nearly shit himself when he heard that I used to have a car. (They also had a really out-sized understanding of how much money a teacher makes, but then, so did the Japanese.)</p>

<p>The driver, by the way, immediately started laying out a payment plan whereby, that very day, I would buy him one of those cycles with the carts attached to the back (doubles the fares you can charge) and he would have my investment paid off within ten months. He'd gone through the month-by-month returns for the whole ten months before I could stop him.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3367985148/" title="Crouched in a temple courtyard by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3597/3367985148_5c972e6e19.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Crouched in a temple courtyard" /></a></p>

<p>I've been in cities, mostly, I guess - although there's a vast difference between the wealth of a city in Thailand and one in Cambodia. (I'm hesitant to bring Vietnam into the comparison, because I haven't been around enough yet.) Even Phnom Penh, the capitol of Cambodia, was fairly beat up - like the ghetto of a rust-belt town like Detroit or Cleveland. Staying overnight in the Thai border town was pretty interesting - very, very dusty, small lizards wandering in and out of the hotel room - and I did get to some small villages in Cambodia, because my driver was keen to take me around. They've had internet cafes everywhere because it's a way to make money. You can have ox-carts and cracked pavement outside, but tourists have money and tourists want internet, so you get the internet before you upgrade from ox-cart to pick-up truck. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3362805362/" title="Crazy man by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3626/3362805362_563caab93a.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Crazy man" /></a> </p>

<p>I had a really ugly experience with a cyclo driver in Saigon. When we met, he broke out a big notebook full of positive comments from people who'd taken tours with him in the past - it should have raised a red flag that none of the comments were from later than spring '03, but I went ahead with it anyway, because I didn't know where the hell I was going, and he seemed friendly. (And I'd had such a great time with my driver in Angkor.) </p>

<p>He drove for a way, long enough to get me out of familiar territory and to a deserted side street, and then pulled over and asked for payment (plus tip plus "extra help") up front because he'd borrowed some money and he needed to pay it back right then or something bad would happen. He was getting freaked out and on the verge of panic and violence. I kept my cool, stayed firm and defused the situation, but it was nasty.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3351501648/" title="Careful! Vietcong Folding Chair Trap. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3468/3351501648_25b63b91ca.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Careful! Vietcong Folding Chair Trap." /></a></p>

<p>I should go. Here's hoping my legs allow me to stand up from this chair.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Hamlet</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/hamlet.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=498" title="Hamlet" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.498</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-19T02:00:48Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-22T08:21:57Z</updated>
    
    <summary>I enjoyed this article about the twilight world of the celebrity autograph convention circuit. When the guy who played Peter on &quot;The Brady Bunch&quot; says things like &quot;I still believe in the mystery of celebrity&quot;, then you pretty much just...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Shakespeare" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>I enjoyed <a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/ct-live-0819-autograph-alley-20100819,0,7305646,full.story">this article</a> about the twilight world of the celebrity autograph convention circuit. When the guy who played Peter on "The Brady Bunch" says things like "I still believe in the mystery of celebrity", then you pretty much just have to nod and keep your stupid comments in your pocket.</p>

<p>(I'm aware that the nature of the event changed years ago, but there's a part of me that's still 14 and cannot fathom why the Soup Nazi from "Seinfeld" is at ComiCon.)</p>

<p>Here is a letter I have never received:</p>

<p><em>Dear clever man on the Internet, </p>

<p>I am directing a production of </em>Hamlet<em>, and I need to come up with a daring new interpretation of the play. I do not have time to alter the text, so I need something that uses all of the original words, but is still daring and new. The Shakespeare in the Park guys are doing a production of </em>Othello<em> that's either set in the water reclamation district or a gourmet kitchen (they haven't decided which), so they have reserved all of the modern dress in town, and the other theater is doing </em>Macbeth<em> set in a salsa dancing class, so there is no modern dress for me to use. As you can see, then, my options are quite limited. (Obviously, doing the play as it was written is not an option, as the other directors will laugh at me.) Please give me a daring new interpretation of </em>Hamlet<em> that nobody has ever done before. I will do nothing whatsoever for you in return.</p>

<p>Sincerely,<br />
A famous cutting-edge director</em></p>

<p>I am happy to oblige. Here are the five words you need:</p>

<p>"Hamlet is cool with it."</p>

<p>In this daring new interpretation, Hamlet has always liked Claudius, and is happy to see his mother get together with him. Shame about Dad, of course, but what are you going to do? The appearance of the ghost serves to reinforce the point that nothing can bring Hamlet down. Everyone enjoys his incessant gibberish; it is a nice pick-me-up, what with all of the death lately. Various of Hamlet's college friends &mdash; Horatio, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern &mdash; are summoned to the palace to enjoy Hamlet's goofy antics. (During the "to be or not to be" speech, he is making a silly monkey face and trying to decide whether his monkey impression is ready to go, or whether he should practice it some more.) </p>

<p>The text will support you in all of this. Actors may have to say certain lines in a sarcastic tone of voice, or wink as they speak. But people do that sort of thing.</p>

<p><em>The Murder of Gonzago</em> is enacted in order to let Claudius know that even if he had killed the king, which everyone knows he'd never actually do, it would be fine, because Hamlet likes him that much. Hamlet is giving Claudius a thumbs up throughout all of this.</p>

<p>Ophelia is a cat. She is in heat and goes a bit weird as a result. Polonius is also a cat. Hamlet inadvertently knocks the window open by recklessly stabbing through the curtain, and Polonius escapes through the window. Everyone is sad about that. Ophelia gets neutered and will not stop messing around with her stitches. She must be put to sleep, and everyone is sad about that as well. But Hamlet and Laertes hold a terrifically exciting fencing exhibition, and everyone is roused from their lethargy. They share a drink.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44411019/" title="Cat amidst the wreckage. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/30/44411019_6565e04ebe.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Cat amidst the wreckage." /></a></p>

<p>Fortinbras is carrying Polonius as he arrives. (Polonius was up in a tree.) The entire court is pretending to be dead in order to surprise Fortinbras, little suspecting that he has a surprise for them.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Interplanetary mining concern</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/interplanetary_mining_concern.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=497" title="Interplanetary mining concern" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.497</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-18T00:25:04Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-18T04:01:24Z</updated>
    
    <summary>I think if there is one thing I am going to have to explain to my grandchildren, it is why I did not start or at least invest in an interplanetary mining concern. The descendants of the iPhone and other...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Outer Space" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>I think if there is one thing I am going to have to explain to my grandchildren, it is why I did not start or at least invest in an interplanetary mining concern. The descendants of the iPhone and other devices will be made with metals that are rare or non-existent on Earth; they will be omnipresent, and they will run very well, and a few people will become extraordinarily rich from supplying them, but I will not be among those people, and my grandchildren will ask why.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34141435/" title="Cosmonaut. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/23/34141435_8eb04a52fc.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Cosmonaut." /></a></p>

<p>(I will not have to explain why we allowed the climate on Earth to get all fucked up; that will be a topic for our children, mainly, the generation for whom there is not yet a sufficient body of cartoons in which this weather and its consequences are commonplace. Our grandchildren will find talk of old weather patterns odd and mildly interesting, like our own grandparents and milkmen and ice deliveries and nickelodeons, as long as we do not go on too long about it.)</p>

<p>No, it is my grandchildren to whom I will have to justify our family's failure to own any portion of an interplanetary mining concern. (Possibly some portion of what remains of my 401(k) will be invested in one, several layers of involvement away from my awareness, just as today.) My grandchildren will wonder how this boundless source of wealth could not have been obvious to me. They'll know that the first space mining flight was followed by others almost immediately, and from there it never stopped &mdash; the oil and gold rushes will provide some basis of comparison, in the sense that nobody will remember how many people struck out or died in accidents, only that it resulted in the likes of John D. Rockefeller.</p>

<p>(But it will be a rush without violence; we will be too fragile in outer space to attack each other, and by the time we have grown secure enough for that sort of thing, we will have learned to be civilized about it.)</p>

<p>My grandchildren will say that we could have been rich; they will not be angry about it (they will be, after all, good kids and fond of me, as I am well-suited to grandfatherhood), just puzzled that I had what will appear to them a clear and simple choice when I was a young man: to mine in outer space and become rich, or to not mine in outer space and keep fucking around in offices &mdash; and my decision was apparently to keep fucking around in offices.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34141218/" title="The author, reflected in a space helmet by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/23/34141218_aa7cc62dfc.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The author, reflected in a space helmet" /></a></p>

<p>I will sigh and tell my grandchildren that someone had to stay behind and fight off all the polar bears; those things were <em>mean</em>.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Green Gorilla</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/green_gorilla.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=496" title="Green Gorilla" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.496</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-10T21:42:22Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-18T04:06:32Z</updated>
    
    <summary>The back wheel of my bicycle has been damaged by what is either normal wear-and-tear (I ride to work most days) or a shocking act of violence that was extremely limited in scope, being directed exclusively at bicycle spokes. Until...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Chicago" />
            <category term="Monkeys and Apes" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>The back wheel of my bicycle has been damaged by what is either normal wear-and-tear (I ride to work most days) or a shocking act of violence that was extremely limited in scope, being directed exclusively at bicycle spokes. Until some sort of final determination can be made, let us assume there is a madman out there targeting bicycle spokes, and proceed accordingly.</p>

<p><a href="http://bit.ly/9OXvux">This article</a> is worth reading, printing, laminating, and possibly tattooing, listing as it does the locations of all Mold-A-Rama machines in the Chicago area &mdash; either your eyes just closed and you were overcome with the glorious smell of hot plastic, or you have no idea what I am talking about &mdash; but you should go further, to <a href="http://mold-a-rama.com">Mold-A-Rama.com</a>, where (under 'What's New') you can actually see a picture of the green gorilla in question. It's phenomenal. You can also apply for a part-time job servicing the Mold-A-Rama machines at the Oklahoma City Zoo, and you should, because it's a good opportunity and you don't have much else going on right now, as evidenced by the fact that you just spent the better part of an afternoon thinking about a green gorilla.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Intense phone call</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/08/intense_phone_call.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=494" title="Intense phone call" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.494</id>
    
    <published>2010-08-09T22:00:50Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-10T01:08:00Z</updated>
    
    <summary><![CDATA[I had a strangely intense conversation today when I called to cancel the Citibank Identity Monitoring service &mdash; initially enrolled by accident, but then continued out of curiosity to see if I would experience any semblance of the satisfied, contemplative...]]></summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Internet" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>I had a strangely intense conversation today when I called to cancel the Citibank Identity Monitoring service &mdash; initially enrolled by accident, but then continued out of curiosity to see if I would experience any semblance of the satisfied, contemplative feeling the stock photo people always seem to have. I signed up last Thursday, but could not cancel until today, because I was told that I had to wait 72 hours after registering to un-register; their system supposedly does not have new registrants' information for that long, until some old fellow named Milt brings it around (probably because if they use the Internet instead then corporate will force Milt to retire, and nobody wants to see him go, especially since it sounds like his daughter never visits and work is about all he has going for him. Wait, where the fuck is this story going? It has been hijacked by Milt's troubles, this poignant saga which I only invented for sarcastic purposes.)</p>

<p>(Right. Well, I brought Milt into this world, and I can take him out again if he's distracting you. Now Milt has gone to live with a nice farm family, where he plays in the field all day long, but it is too far away for you to visit.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/41898282/" title="Happy logs. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/41898282_48583854c1.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Happy logs." /></a></p>

<p><em>Now you are only concerned with me, and not Milt.</em></p>

<p>I want to get back to the story of this intense phone call. You could tell this was serious business, because only one button separated you from speaking to an operator, and there was no hold time. A middle-aged lady answered, sounding very much like a woman who worked in the principal's office at school, and, somewhat brightly at first with an undertone of disappointment, asked why I wanted to cancel. I expected a few sales pitches and offers to stay on at a reduced rate, much like I received when I signed up for freecreditreport.com for the sole purpose of blaming my cancellation on that fucking band, but she went a different way. </p>

<p>"You realize you're giving up instant credit alerts," she said, proceeding to rattle off a long list of other features, in ascending order of intensity and critical importance to my well-being. </p>

<p>"Yes, I do," I said. </p>

<p>There was a long pause, and then she said, "Good luck to you," in a tone of disgust and unambiguous forecast of my imminent demise; the moment at which the woman in the principal's office, who has known you since you were a little one, long before you began smoking crack at recess, has finally given up on you.</p>

<p>"Uh, thanks," I said, a bit too surprised to hang up. There was an even longer pause, during which I wondered if the phone call was over. Finally, she spoke.</p>

<p>"Is there anything else?" she said, still disgusted. (I've soiled myself, she implies.)</p>

<p>"No," I said. "So I'm cancelled, then."</p>

<p>"Yes," she said, and hung up.</p>

<p>I was bewildered, and then went on with my day.</p>

<p>We are renewing efforts to fix the comments &mdash; or, more accurately, I am renewing my sweet-talk toward Kurt, and Kurt is renewing his efforts to fix them. Thank you, Kurt.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>RIP Manute Bol</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/06/rip_manute_bol.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=412" title="RIP Manute Bol" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.412</id>
    
    <published>2010-06-19T19:56:57Z</published>
    <updated>2010-06-19T20:08:03Z</updated>
    
    <summary>Rest in peace, Manute Bol. The world is shorter without you, and more wonderful because of you. &quot;Manute Bol Goes to Heaven&quot; (from 2002) All posts tagged &quot;Manute Bol&quot;...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Manute Bol" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>Rest in peace, Manute Bol. The world is shorter without you, and more wonderful because of you.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2002/04/manute_bol_goes_to_heaven.html">"Manute Bol Goes to Heaven" (from 2002)</a><br />
<a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/manute_bol/">All posts tagged "Manute Bol"</a></p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Cambodia</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/06/cambodia.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=411" title="Cambodia" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.411</id>
    
    <published>2010-06-04T17:47:33Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-07T05:27:33Z</updated>
    
    <summary>There was a fairly simple reason why I didn&apos;t write many emails home while I was in Cambodia: decrepit keyboards. So this doesn&apos;t describe most of what I saw there. Here&apos;s what I managed to plunk out. Siem Reap I&apos;ve...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Miscellaneous" />
            <category term="Monkeys and Apes" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>There was a fairly simple reason why I didn't write many emails home while I was in Cambodia: decrepit keyboards. So this doesn't describe most of what I saw there. Here's what I managed to plunk out.</p>

<p><em>Siem Reap</em></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2920905845/" title="Sun behind Angkor Wat by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3281/2920905845_45ca3fdace.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Sun behind Angkor Wat" /></a></p>

<p>I've been out of email range for the last couple of days. Can't really type an entire email at this keyboard, as most of the keys barely work. Just wanted to say hello.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3047355737/" title="Beckoning by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3177/3047355737_3eccd4c3f6.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Beckoning" /></a></p>

<p>I'm sorry I haven't written for the last couple of days. Still trying to find an internet cafe in Cambodia with a decent keyboard...no success, but one has to have slipped through, even if only by accident. I've been in the jungles around Angkor Wat from sunrise to sunset, and will be again tomorrow. It's unfathomably hot in there. And amazing.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3091960831/" title="Tree of ages by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3134/3091960831_23c6488f1a.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Tree of ages" /></a></p>

<p>I'll write tomorrow if I'm not absolutely drained again, regardless of how many of the keys are stuck together. (This may look short, but these two sentences took a lot of time to pound out.) And if I am too drained, then I'll send you something from Phnom Penh, my next stop, the day after tomorrow. (It's the capital city.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2983340483/" title="Two-face by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3279/2983340483_3933e2bcd9.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Two-face" /></a></p>

<p>I'm exhausted again, but I'll type until I'm about to drop. I'm not quite bronze, but I am kind of golden at the moment. I'm off to Phnom Penh tomorrow morning on the bus, and then I'm going to try to arrange a side-trip to a city called Kampot before I go onward to Vietnam.</p>

<p>I did see monkeys twice on my first day in the jungle. There was a pack of them running along on the side of the road in the morning. My motorcycle driver paused so I could check them out. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2928424183/" title="Monkeys of Angkor by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3069/2928424183_793013cc12.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monkeys of Angkor" /></a></p>

<p>Then, at the end of the day, after sunrise, a monkey showed up outside the front gate of Angkor Wat as I was leaving to strike poses on top of a statue. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3159025169/" title="Lord Monkey of Angkor (and the weight on his shoulders) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3121/3159025169_8d46c10113.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Lord Monkey of Angkor (and the weight on his shoulders)" /></a></p>

<p>Most of the last three days have been hiking amid the temple ruins, but there were some odd diversions - yesterday, my driver was keen to take me to an army base (at least I hope it was an army base) where I could shoot a gun. I was feeling agreeable, so we went, and a Cambodian guy handed me an M-16, showed me how to hold it, popped in a cartridge of bullets and left me to fire away at a bunch of old tires until I ran out. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3191391736/" title="Somehow I wound up here by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3353/3191391736_74a4c6795e.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Somehow I wound up here" /></a></p>

<p>Pretty surreal experience. He was trying to talk me into spending $120 for several rounds with this new shiny supermachinegun they had. Nobody seems to realize that, while I have more money than anyone they know, I'm still not *that* rich. Some nine year old girls at a small lunch stand yesterday extracted promises from me to bring them two bicycles, a football, and new shoes on Sunday. (I guess they were trying to be reasonable by giving me a few days to put the whole package together.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3238626267/" title="Drop block city by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3134/3238626267_7f06bea74c.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Drop block city" /></a></p>

<p>The guy at the firing range also tried to sell me on a rocket launcher, but we never got down to discussing a price on that one.</p>

<hr>
<em>Phnom Penh</em>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3278644421/" title="Sam Bo, the city elephant by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3331/3278644421_5c60af52d6.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Sam Bo, the city elephant" /></a></p>

<p>I'm trying to decide my next move. There's only one travel agent who sells bus tickets to the next place I wanted to go (south, to Kampot and Bokor Hill National Park), and I couldn't find them today. So I'm tempted to head straight into Vietnam from here, although I'm a little ahead of schedule right now, and I did want to see one more place in Cambodia before I left. Not sure what to do. (I could use this extra time for Malaysia at the end of the trip, but I've never actually thought of any reason to go to Malaysia.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3274427572/" title="Kids on the loose by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3385/3274427572_d4d57191dd.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Kids on the loose" /></a></p>

<p>The heat is exhausting, but I'm all right. I need to do some laundry quite urgently. In Bangkok, they'd do 1kg for about 75 cents. I'm not sure what it is here. I bought new shorts and some t-shirts in Bangkok, but have yet to find anyone anywhere, even in the depths of the pirate-knockoff market stalls, that sells shoes in my size. People see my feet and gape. It's a universal human reaction.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3209762307/" title="Two feet and some things by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3119/3209762307_db74b152d9.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Two feet and some things" /></a></p>

<p>My visa won't be ready until tomorrow afternoon, so I have to wait for the Sunday morning bus. Found out later that the elections are being held here on Sunday morning, so I was glad I'd decided to leave - developing countries can get a little weird after elections.</p>

<p>I sat down with the intent of making this a longer email, but this must be the worst Cambodian internet cafe yet. I think the four Windows 98 computers in here must be splitting a dial-up connection. (On the plus side, it's 50 cents an hour.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3298154170/" title="Murdered by the Khmer Rouge by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3313/3298154170_773d5bc651.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Murdered by the Khmer Rouge" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3310830245/" title="Upstairs at Tuol Sleng by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3535/3310830245_99a4161f4c.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Upstairs at Tuol Sleng" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3310831149/" title="Cambodians record a few thoughts about their torturer by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3417/3310831149_4768562c6b.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Cambodians record a few thoughts about their torturer" /></a></p>

<p>So today I went to the Khmer Rouge sites - the prison-museum, and the killing fields - and I'm done with sights in Phnom Penh, but I have one more day here. Not sure what to do. I could use a day out of the sun, I guess. I read something about a pool, so I might go there.</p>

<p>(<em>ED: I did not wind up going to said pool.</em>)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3273609481/" title="Two tuk-tuks by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3459/3273609481_d01f47e5b2.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Two tuk-tuks" /></a></p>

<p>I don't think I mentioned this - so, to get around in Cambodia, you generally flag someone down (or, if you're foreign, they flag you), agree on a price and hop on back of their motorbike. Once they've got you, they'd like to be your personal driver for the day - there are way, way, way more of them than there are tourists, and they can go hours between 'fares' - so it takes a bit of work to shake them off<br />
when you're done. </p>

<p><object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="300" data="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"> <param name="flashvars" value="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=56d0b624ca&photo_id=3272269350"></param> <param name="movie" value="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377"></param> <param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"></param> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377" bgcolor="#000000" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=56d0b624ca&photo_id=3272269350" height="300" width="400"></embed></object></p>

<p>In my case especially, being a young white guy by himself, they want to get me to a club / 'dance show' / 'massage'. So I've taken to telling everyone that my girlfriend IS with me, but she's (insert activity off the top of my head) right now. They get sad for a moment (one asked to see a picture), and then the light goes off in their head that they could lay down today's fare to borrow the cart (hitches to the back of the cycle, can hold two tourists) from their friend, and then they really excitedly begin proposing full-day itineraries for the next day. I then disappoint them by noting that my girlfriend has already made a plan and reserved a driver but I don't know how much it is...which leaves them at an impasse for future negotiations (although the guy today said he'd be parked outside the hotel all morning tomorrow morning just in case, meaning I need to buy a gorilla mask when I leave tomorrow).</p>

<p>Speaking of monkeys. Remind me to tell you about the one who stole my Coke.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3290540856/" title="Monkey Coke fiend by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3599/3290540856_51f26b8a25.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monkey Coke fiend" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3289723303/" title="Monkey with empty can, considering options by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3279/3289723303_94991842df.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monkey with empty can, considering options" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/3290541764/" title="Monkey eats empty Coke can by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3603/3290541764_7de23784ae.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monkey eats empty Coke can" /></a></p>

<p>I'm ending each day exhausted. I hope that means I'm making the most of this.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Thailand</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/06/thailand.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=410" title="Thailand" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.410</id>
    
    <published>2010-06-04T02:32:13Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-07T05:27:50Z</updated>
    
    <summary>If today is rotten, then I will talk about yesterday. Here&apos;s another travelogue, pieced together from emails to various recipients in spring 2007, when I was in Thailand. Bangkok I&apos;m in Bangkok. I arrived last night around 1am, and it...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Miscellaneous" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>If today is rotten, then I will talk about yesterday. Here's another travelogue, pieced together from emails to various recipients in spring 2007, when I was in Thailand.</p>

<p><em>Bangkok</em></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2652816076/" title="Hot night in Bangkok by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3099/2652816076_daa08d5e4b.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Hot night in Bangkok" /></a></p>

<p>I'm in Bangkok. I arrived last night around 1am, and it was 83 degrees outside. Mercifully, it rained early this morning, but the temperature is on the way back up. I am going to be an expert on sweat.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2652816236/" title="Morning in Bangkok by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2048/2652816236_8ee51172a8.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Morning in Bangkok" /></a></p>

<p>Wish you were here. I'm staying around the corner from the famed Khao San Road, which was a gibbering backpacker chaos at 2am (when I showed up). My backpacks are way, way smaller than anyone else's. It would be good to have you along - not only for the company, but also because probably fewer Thai dudes would be asking me if I wan' lady, boom-boom? (Probably.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2689150036/" title="&quot;Hey you, where you go?&quot; by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3075/2689150036_9fb6928d21.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="&quot;Hey you, where you go?&quot;" /></a></p>

<p>Best pad thai I've ever had, for breakfast: seventy-five cents. Also, there is to be a t-shirt buying frenzy at some point. Among the best shirts I've ever seen for $3-$5.</p>

<p>Still having a good time, although I was probably on the verge of heat stroke yesterday. Bottled water is cheap; I've gone through a ton of it. I meant to take a taxi from my guesthouse to the Grand Palace but, in the process of trying to get clear from the taxi touts who hang out by the guesthouses, accidentally found myself halfway there. So I walked the rest of the way. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2651992001/" title="Tuk-tuk by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3045/2651992001_2dfcd2d400.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Tuk-tuk" /></a></p>

<p>I wound up in the National Museum first, which was probably a mistake. It was reasonably interesting (and gigantic - like twenty buildings), but the heat was increasing, and I was already starting to get worn out by the time I finished there. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2691858703/" title="Archer of optimism by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3109/2691858703_997cc745dc.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Archer of optimism" /></a></p>

<p>An amusing phenomenon, as long as you know about it in advance: there are guys who hang out a couple blocks from every major tourist attraction, and they try to start a friendly conversation ("Hey, where are you from?") and then ask where you're going, and then tell you it's closed today (I heard "today is a Buddhist holiday" three times, "the monks need to pray in the morning" once, "your clothes not right" once, and total gibberish to the effect that only Thais could go in once, and a few more who I just ignored), but they could take you on a sightseeing tour...and if you agree, you wind up going to a minor temple somewhere and then to a shop (silk, tailor, jewelry) that has paid them a commission to bring you in. I'd read about it in advance, so it wasn't any bother, just kind of ridiculous. Are they not aware of each other?</p>

<p>The bit about my clothes did have an element of truth, although not in the way the guy meant it - at the Grand Palace, they supply you with long nylon sweatpants to pull over your shorts. Apparently, shorts are disrespectful, but nylon sweatpants are devout. I felt hyper-gross by the time I finished walking around there.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2744165660/" title="Grand Palace, Bangkok by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3102/2744165660_3cbf4b0f61.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Grand Palace, Bangkok" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2740631057/" title="Thai soldiers on the march by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3105/2740631057_84c92ee632.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Thai soldiers on the march" /></a></p>

<p>Saw a temple called Wat Pho yesterday afternoon, which has the world's largest reclining Buddha. It's gold, and it was indeed rather large. Probably longer than the one in Nara, although the one in Nara seemed thicker and heavier. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2821540824/" title="The Largest Reclining Buddha by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3238/2821540824_d1f9a1f6a7.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="The Largest Reclining Buddha" /></a></p>

<p>The temple itself was massive, lots of fascinating little statues and giant, basically un-photograph-able structures. (I tried, anyway.) Also took a long boat ride through the canals, with all of those river houses on stilts - some elegant, some barely standing.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2764622397/" title="Bangkok river cruise by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3142/2764622397_58dab44946.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Bangkok river cruise" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2761933721/" title="Bangkok river cruise by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3262/2761933721_60b90ef2b5.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Bangkok river cruise" /></a></p>

<p>Chase strives to piss me off. I'm in Bangkok right now. Last night, from the airport, I withdrew 4000 Baht (which Chase exchanged as $118.29 plus a $3 service charge). I needed to make another withdrawal tonight, but suddenly I can't access my account. (Each of the different Thai bank ATMs gives a slightly different oblique explanation).</p>

<p>I'm assuming this was some stupid fraud flag they threw up. (One withdrawal from Thailand? That's normal. Two withdrawals from Thailand? That's obviously fraud.) Chase Online isn't any help. Please call them (1-800-935-9935 said the site) and ask them why I can't access my account. (The account number is at the bottom of my checks.) If they need information for verification, email me back and let me know what they want. If you can find a tactful way to express that they've really pissed off their customer, you might do that, too, but only after account access has been restored...</p>

<p>Thanks. (Was having a good time until this.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2744165418/" title="Scheming to enter by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3124/2744165418_2690d186ef.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Scheming to enter" /></a></p>

<p>Sorted. The guy at this internet cafe let me use his phone. Being one of the few white guys who's speaking Thai has its advantages. The Chase guy was a bit of a pissant, and I was none too thrilled about announcing my debit card number, last-four-digits, etc out loud in a public internet cafe, but it's done now. I had to complete the call within six minutes - we agreed 10 baht / minute, and I was down to my last 60 baht - and got it done in three. I had to give the Chase guy the exact date I'm returning to the USA. Never had to do this with Japan, but I guess they don't consider that a high fraud-risk country.</p>

<p>Anyway, back to having fun!</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2689150352/" title="Fat sun love hour by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3161/2689150352_1dafd894f4.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Fat sun love hour" /></a></p>

<p>By the way, if you wan' lady boom-boom, I've already met about two hundred guys who would like nothing more than to provide directions to said lady (and corresponding boom-boom). There are, it must be said, certain differences between Evanston and Bangkok.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2850050131/" title="The Classic Thailand Ronald McDonald by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3075/2850050131_40e392f355.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="The Classic Thailand Ronald McDonald" /></a></p>

<p>Today, I'm going to go shopping - see if I can find some new shoes, maybe some new shorts and pants - and then tomorrow I'll probably take off for Lopburi, where I expect I can see some monkeys. Needless to say, exciting. </p>

<p>(<em>ED: In fact, I went to the Bridge on the River Kwai in Kanchanaburi instead, and then to the Tiger Temple, but don't appear to have mentioned it in any emails.</em>) </p>

<p>I had a minor crisis two nights ago, when my bank suddenly put a freeze on my checking account. One withdrawal from Thailand (made at the airport) was cool, as far as they were concerned, but two meant fraud. So I had to get my mother to call them to confirm that's what they did, and then make an international call to tell them to take off the hold. It wasn't a major crisis - I have plenty of US dollars that I'm saving for later in the trip - but still, being in a foreign country with no money is one of those experiences...</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2850880076/" title="Bangkok mall by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3050/2850880076_91af91334d.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Bangkok mall" /></a></p>

<p>I spent the morning training at a muay thai (Thai boxing) gym. I can barely lift my arms, but they don't have to go too far to hit the keys.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2679072161/" title="Power beyond mortal men (3) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3152/2679072161_e58c11e7a2.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Power beyond mortal men (3)" /></a></p>

<p>There are Family Marts in Bangkok. They have no Crunky ice cream, though.</p>

<p>I went bowling at the mall and although I only hovered around a 150, the whole place was in awe of me. Apparently, nobody in Thailand ever breaks 100.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2850879440/" title="Malls remember by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3060/2850879440_04e1bfc702.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Malls remember" /></a></p>

<p>Out of time on this machine. Hope to hear from you soon.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Notes on travels in Russia</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/06/post_74.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=407" title="Notes on travels in Russia" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2009:/strangeplace//3.407</id>
    
    <published>2010-06-03T01:14:38Z</published>
    <updated>2010-08-07T05:28:10Z</updated>
    
    <summary>Here&apos;s another entry I started writing months ago, using bits of letters home from travels even longer ago (September 2004, to be precise). Just scraps, not a complete chronicle or anything, but I enjoyed digging these out of emails and...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Communism" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>Here's another entry I started writing months ago, using bits of letters home from travels even longer ago (September 2004, to be precise). Just scraps, not a complete chronicle or anything, but I enjoyed digging these out of emails and setting them to pictures. Most of what I wrote during that trip was lost &mdash; I only have what was quoted in people's replies back to me, which is sort of apropos.</p>

<p><em>Vladivostok</em></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44229963/" title="The provodnitsa. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/44229963_8d728f9970.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The provodnitsa." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44229732/" title="The Rossiya, Trans-Siberian Railway train. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/25/44229732_5d806d5c22.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The Rossiya, Trans-Siberian Railway train." /></a></p>

<p>Tomorrow evening I board the train for three days (!!!), the longest continuous portion of the trip, and then I'll be in Irkutsk. I'm not sure if I'll be able to check email during the next stretch. I'll be in Siberia, after all. Is Siberia still Siberia if you can check your email there?</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44238687/" title="Siberia in autumn. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44238687_a5cfe92c4f.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Siberia in autumn." /></a></p>

<hr>
<em>On the train (in retrospect)</em>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44229846/" title="My train cabin. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44229846_a8326e0c72.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="My train cabin." /></a></p>

<p>I shared a train carriage with a huge military guy named Nikolai. I was alone for the first couple of hours after we left Vladivostok, and had fallen asleep by the time he came aboard. I think I gave him a sleepy hello in Russian and went back to sleep, because my first thought after I woke up was whether he was going to expect me to speak in Russian the whole time, which I obviously could not do. But he knew right away that I was a foreigner. I've noticed tourism professionals can spot that right away, and so can anybody else if they pay close attention, but random people on the street who need directions think I know my way around and know it in Russian. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44409477/" title="Graffiti. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/44409477_30f297a99d.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Graffiti." /></a></p>

<p>Anyway, Nikolai had a big knife that could gut a man quite easily, but was shy about not knowing much English. I believe he had completed some military maneuvers and was now on his way home to see his family, although I am not positive. He showed me photos of a hunting expedition, and was keen to critique the photos I took with my digital camera (very positive and encouraging, though occasionally puzzled by my choice of subjects, particularly signs at train stations).</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44240053/" title="Warning at the train station. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/32/44240053_62f1ad9f01.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Warning at the train station." /></a></p>

<p>Nikolai was eager to share his food, and he had more food than I did, so that was quite generous. I hate tomatoes, but fucked if I didn't eat a whole tomato for breakfast every morning and it tasted right every time. Also a hard-boiled egg, and salt. That is the Russian breakfast, as far as I can tell. I couldn't get Nikolai to try the Kasugai Peas that I have been toting around since Kyoto, but you know what those look like, you can hardly blame him. At some of these remote Siberian towns (and they're all remote), old babushkas crowd on the station platforms to sell food they've cooked to train passengers. This was even more awesome than it sounds. I bought loads. Nikolai was grateful for the bread, but seemed to be discouraging me to eat any of this sack of potato stew that I bought. I didn't press the issue, so most of it got thrown out. I had no idea what was in the stew, just that there didn't appear to be any meat.</p>

<p>Yesterday, Nikolai admitted that the day before had been his birthday and that he hadn't had a birthday party for 12 years (I think I had that correctly &mdash; I am solid on Russian numbers), so I made something of a ruckus, singing and all, and reluctantly shared a beer with him (he really wanted to share a beer, as I'd already declined vodka). I found the beer gross, but it was probably fine. Just before the sun was down, we stopped for a couple minutes in a mid-sized town (by Siberian standards), so I sprinted into the station house and bought a huge bottle of fizzy orange booze (to forestall any further offers of beer) and ice cream to share. Nikolai was immensely touched and left the carriage for a moment. When he came back, he had what looked like pound cake, and was very proud to offer me a slice. (If I understood correctly, he got it from the <em>provodnitsa</em>.) I thought, excellent, I will enjoy pound cake with this ice cream. Actually, it was some kind of raw flesh. I can imagine how it was meant to be a delicacy, definitely, but it was the most horrible thing I have ever eaten. After the first bite, I did the old rest-into-the-napkin trick and excused myself to the bathroom. (The toilet opens directly over the tracks. Now it's food for the tigers.)</p>

<p>Once we were drunk &mdash; or, let's face it, this was a huge Russian guy, so once <em>I</em> was drunk and he was still fine &mdash; he was ready to talk about politics. </p>

<p>(<em>There's more to that story, but the email didn't have the rest of it. Basically, we took turns rating presidents and premiers. Later, we had another passenger take our photo, but that memory card got lost later on the trip.</em>)</p>

<p>When I left the train today he shook my hand enthusiastically and made me promise to email him sometime. Good man.</p>

<hr>
<em>Irkutsk</em>

<p>I am just disembarked from three consecutive days on the train and am feeling a touch of motion sickness but am otherwise fine. I walked past a 300+ year old wooden building today (in Irkutsk) with 'BECHAM FOREVER' graffiti'd on the side. Which was, you know, not exactly what I expected to see. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44232338/" title="Beckham fans in Irkutsk. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/29/44232338_4f3f9fd9cd.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Beckham fans in Irkutsk." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44232038/" title="Decembrist wood-carved house. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44232038_ed0b2ec429.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Decembrist wood-carved house." /></a></p>

<p>Have not been let down by the Lenin statues, though, let me tell you. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44233310/" title="Lenin again. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44233310_4fc482fe14.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Lenin again." /></a></p>

<p>Am sorry to hear that the appetite for revolutionary fervor back at the office is going unmet without me. I have purchased a train ticket for one of the Lenin statues and am sending him over on the next train. He is not a Native Speaker but he looks kinda European, hopefully you can pass him off. </p>

<hr>
<em>Moscow</em>

<p>So, yesterday was pretty fun. I walked for absolutely ages and my legs are a bit sore but ready to do the same today. I! didn't! get! lost! despite covering vast swathes of ground on foot. (I did take one subway ride and it was undescribably cool.) </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44742170/" title="Komsomolskaya Metro by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/33/44742170_fbe0335bf5.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Komsomolskaya Metro" /></a></p>

<p>I think the pictures &mdash; of which there are gobs &mdash; will probably only be of interest to me, but I'm excited as hell to see them. I love sculptures, and I have what I guess is an odd interest in cemeteries: just walking around in the stillness, the quiet and the melancholy (but not weepy) mood. I found this Soviet cemetery (a few famous people: writer Chekhov, director Eisenstein, premier Khruschev, others)... </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44870062/" title="Grave of Anton Chekhov. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/32/44870062_b5ecd9c11d.jpg" width="500" height="325" alt="Grave of Anton Chekhov." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44840476/" title="Khruschev's grave. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/44840476_a959b7f863.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Khruschev's grave." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44833017/" title="Eisenstein's grave. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44833017_e91afdb23b.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Eisenstein's grave." /></a></p>

<p>...that was huge, slightly overgrown with trees and just had the most unbelievable statues and designs, such incredible character and range of expression. I was dizzy with discovery. So I think anyone who sees those pictures will be interested in the first few but will begin to think it odd somewhere in the 20s and by the time the collection passes the hundred mark they'll be asking to skip...but there were just so many interesting ones.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44824502/" title="Song and dance and dog. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44824502_2664e42fda.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Song and dance and dog." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44843312/" title="Mermaid-esque. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/44843312_c6aec0e6e6.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Mermaid-esque." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44846559/" title="Loving it. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/28/44846559_949af678d2.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Loving it." /></a></p>

<p>Anyway, I also wandered into a Russian Orthodox religious convent, saw some churches and domes, tried to go to the Tolstoy Estate Museum ("closed on the last Friday of every month", I learned) and spent ages in a museum with an immense collection of Russian art from 1900 to the present. (Fantastic, but it just kept going! I had to skim everything from 1970 onwards because I couldn't handle any more.) Then I hit Gorky Park and came across a Sculptures Garden, a nice aimless park with statues of people the Russians don't like any more (i.e. Stalin) and sort of whimsical modern work as a counterpoint, also some playgrounds for kids.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44751393/" title="Stalin, with broken nose. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/24/44751393_0f1ee0c99b.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Stalin, with broken nose." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44751683/" title="Stalin's victims. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/25/44751683_e60e94879e.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Stalin's victims." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44747258/" title="Bent statue. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/28/44747258_d5d196997b.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Bent statue." /></a></p>

<hr>
<em>Still in Moscow</em>

<p>I'm back and weary from another long day on the streets of Moscow. The day started out on a failure: I left the hotel way too late and meandered about trying to get my bearings around the Kremlin, so it didn't seem likely that I'd make it in to Lenin before he closed shop for the day (1pm). </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34144017/" title="Stalinist architecture. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/22/34144017_fb2230db9a.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Stalinist architecture." /></a></p>

<p>I hastily constructed a completely new itinerary for the day. It took a while to stop feeling like a screw-up for messing up the Lenin visit, but I did some cool stuff: a river cruise, a cosmonaut museum and this gigantic (2km by 1km) old Soviet expo center. Lots of random, atmospheric discoveries. And I bought a new watch! It has a submarine on it. Hot diggity.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34141157/" title="Cosmonaut by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/22/34141157_0516471da2.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Cosmonaut" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34141218/" title="The author, reflected in a space helmet by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/23/34141218_aa7cc62dfc.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The author, reflected in a space helmet" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34142949/" title="Proletarian statues at VDNKH by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/22/34142949_9c4165a5fb.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Proletarian statues at VDNKH" /></a></p>

<p>So, tomorrow has a lot of pressure on it: I need to get in to see Lenin. I don't want to say the trip will be a failure if I don't, but it will. Just before midnight my train leaves for St Petersburg, arriving around 8am. Nifty timing. I'll probably check in by email before departure, though.</p>

<hr>
<em>Still in Moscow</em>

<p>I saw two very exciting things in Moscow today.</p>

<p>1. A man named Lenin, who founded Soviet communism;</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/34139325/" title="Lenin's Tomb. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/22/34139325_f0b467b12d.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Lenin's Tomb." /></a></p>

<p>2. A monkey named Anastasia, who has been in many magazine advertisements. She had her press clippings with her, and she would pose in a photo with you for $3. (No photos for free. This point was not left ambiguous by her manager.) I felt like I was meeting royalty. There's just a level of class in these Moscow showbiz monkeys that, say, Vladivostok showbiz monkeys simply cannot match.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44371264/" title="Children with monkey. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/44371264_2fa13ebc30.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Children with monkey." /></a></p>

<p>Rubbish, right? Hope all is well. Obviously I am a profoundly changed man for those meetings, though only time will tell exactly how.</p>

<hr>
<em>St. Petersburg</em>

<p>I'm about to charge out for the last day of this long odyssey. Actually, I'm not feeling very well. It was cold and rainy (sunny in the afternoon) yesterday, and I was out for a very long time. I probably have a head cold, but not a bad one, hopefully it'll clear up soon enough.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44212054/" title="View from the ramparts of the Peter and Paul Fortress. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/26/44212054_d0884a889e.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="View from the ramparts of the Peter and Paul Fortress." /></a></p>

<p>I'll spend most of the day at the Hermitage and most of the night in disbelief that I'll spend the next morning on an airplane.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44228322/" title="Entrance of the Hermitage (on my way out). by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/28/44228322_1007f4669f.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Entrance of the Hermitage (on my way out)." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44225065/" title="Paintings of old generals. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/25/44225065_1dea7141ca.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Paintings of old generals." /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/44228052/" title="A giant jade dish. by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/30/44228052_2667d3a1a8.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="A giant jade dish." /></a></p>

<p>Anything's OK for Friday. I think I am going to have to buy some new socks at some point, though.</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Monks in Trouble 2010</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2010/03/monks_in_trouble_2010_1.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=409" title="Monks in Trouble 2010" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2010:/strangeplace//3.409</id>
    
    <published>2010-03-28T21:35:37Z</published>
    <updated>2010-06-03T04:48:26Z</updated>
    
    <summary>Eleven years ago, I wrote and directed a play called &quot;Monks in Trouble&quot;. (Here&apos;s the script.) I was a student at the University of Illinois, of the Urbana-Champaign variety, and a member of the Penny Dreadful Players, who were (and...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Miscellaneous" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>Eleven years ago, I wrote and directed a play called "Monks in Trouble". (<a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/monks.html">Here's the script.</a>) I was a student at the University of Illinois, of the Urbana-Champaign variety, and a member of the Penny Dreadful Players, who were (and are) a student theater troupe that could pay for your flyers, props, and costumes, and could get you free performance spaces in campus buildings. It was a grand old time, and the bands Very Secretary and Demoted to Hugs rocked in accompaniment. Today, you can see members of the cast and the bands in projects musical and otherwise like <a href="http://www.laureatesmusic.com/">The Laureates</a>, <a href="http://www.favoritesaints.com/">Favorite Saints</a>, <a href="http://www.the-playground.com/?page=ensembles&team=25">The Fling</a>, and <a href="http://chicago.timeout.com/articles/art-design/83939/the-show-n-tell-show-art-and-design-story">The Show 'n Tell Show</a>.</p>

<p>One of the original cast members, Rory Leahy, recently asked for permission to put on a new production of "Monks in Trouble", and I happily agreed. It was the first production for his new theater company, <a href="http://americandemigods.wordpress.com/">American Demigods</a>. I wasn't involved with the new production after granting permission, and hadn't read the play since the original production. (It takes a few years before I can enjoy reading anything I've written.) I've been busy as a writer in the years since the original production, but for various reasons, I haven't been inclined to get involved with theater again. So it's not likely I would have ever re-mounted the show myself, and that's part of why this production was such a pleasant surprise.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/4470931315/" title="Monks in Trouble marquee (2/19/10) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2794/4470931315_df5b1cc93d.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Monks in Trouble marquee (2/19/10)" /></a></p>

<p>"Monks in Trouble" ran from February 12 - March 20, 2010 at the Apollo Theater in Chicago. I saw it during the second and fifth weekend, and was delighted with the show both times. (Although I'd begun to re-edit the script in my head by the second time I saw it. And my younger self was definitely over-enamored with swearing. Well, shucks.) </p>

<p>I'd written the script with all of the original actors in mind, so it was a lot of fun to see the roles in different hands. A couple of the characters really benefited from being played by older actors. One in particular &mdash; the brilliant Ken Craig &mdash; made me wish I'd given his character more to do. The staging brought out a slapstick element that the much larger original space wouldn't have allowed, and the director chose to end the show with a neat (unscripted) sequence soundtracked by "The Man Who Sold the World" (the Bowie version).</p>

<p>So I was happy with the results. A couple of quiet nights aside, I'm told the box office was strong. Reviews were up and down. I've collected them below, posted in the order I became aware of them (which is not necessarily the order they appeared).</p>

<p>I'm well aware that artists never come off well when they try to strike back at their critics, so I decided to wait a while before compiling these. It's uniquely unpleasant to have your work trashed, particularly when it seems like the critic is trying to put on a show of their own by kicking you. But it's only really a problem if your own relationship with the work is shallow or insecure. If you were truly absorbed in creating and living with that play, or album, or film, or whatever, then anything said (good or bad) by anyone other than a trusted friend or editor is going to be purely incidental by comparison.</p>

<p>My friend Molly told me about a writing class she took in London with the theater critic from <em>Time Out</em>. She turned in a review of a production of <em>Antony and Cleopatra</em> that starred Helen Mirren and just-back-from-Hollywood Alan Rickman. Heretical as it may sound to give Alan Rickman a bad review, Molly thought he was pitching his performance to the movie cameras, and she led her review with a <em>Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves</em> zinger. She was quite proud of it. However, the <em>Time Out</em> theater critic told her that it's actually quite easy to write something clever; it's much harder to write something insightful, to reveal something about the thing you're reviewing (good or bad).</p>

<p>For completeness, here's the 1999 review from the <em>Daily Illini</em>, by Timothy Konczyk.</p>

<blockquote>RECOMMENDED

<p>The Penny Dreadful Players continue their prolific fall season with "Monks in Trouble," an original play written and directed by Marc Heiden. In addition to the play, two members of Very Secretary will open the Friday night performance with music and Demoted to Hugs will close both performances, playing a song written for the play in their set. "Monks in Trouble" explores the lives of five monks trapped in a monastery over the winter as pieces of their secluded world begin to disappear. The characters are revealed through monologues interspliced with dramatic action. The leader, Stephen (Rory Leahy), best fits the preconceived notion of a monk: a calm, holy man with a soft voice that speaks in terms of faith and devotion. Michael (Mike Renaud) is his polar opposite: a surly rebel with a filthy mind and mouth. Lorenzo (Hank Sprague) is a disgruntled but level-headed artist searching for answers. Jackson (Tony Cosenza) does not seen to grasp the concept of monastic life but longs for enlightenment and salvation. Percy (Eric Rampson) grew up in a monastery believing he was the Second Coming of Christ. Despite the lack of a rational explanation for the disappearances, the story is told more with a postmodern sensibility than in the surrealist tradition. The disintegration of the monastery serves as an impetus for the characters to reevaluate their lives and motivation as they try to justify and survive their crumbling surroundings. The conversations of the monks, laced with comedy, defy the tradition standards of holiness, but hold a deeper meaning. Through each other, they find some sort of resolution - their journey of exploration and discovery is the journey of the play. In "Monks in Trouble", Heiden has created an environment where logic no longer functions. Stripped away of this stumbling block, the audience, like the characters, must reconsider life and the role of religion not in terms of rationality, but in terms of humanity.</blockquote></p>

<p>That one was a treat. I later had a chance to read a play Tim had written, and it was quite good.</p>

<p>And on to the 2010 reviews. First up, a user named Breadcrumb from <a href="http://www.theatermania.com/forums/chicago_11/monks-in-trouble_5692.html">TheatreMania.com</a>.</p>

<blockquote>My husband and I were delighted seeing Marc Heiden's rich comedy Monks in Trouble. The 5 very talented actors; two who stand out ; Dan Cooney and Ken Craig, take their audience on a journey seeking the answer to a soulful mystery. This is perfect entertainment for a weekend; light enough to separate oneself from the work week; with a shadow encroaching.</blockquote>

<p>Second came Keith Griffith from the <em><a href="http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/Event?oid=1395905">Chicago Reader</a></em>. (The director told me that Griffith was a last-minute substitute for another reviewer. What a shame!)</p>

<blockquote>The Three-Stooges-Meet-Kafka concept--bumbling monks get trapped in a monastery that's disappearing piece by piece--may have sounded great over drinks. In the harsh klieg light of reality, though, Marc Heiden's play suggests a bad sketch grown to monstrous one-act proportions. Director Rory Leahy appears to have focused all his attention on a series of monologues the monks deliver--most of the other scenes play like they were put up with nothing more than instructions on when to enter and exit. The American Demigods serve up this brew of churlish humor and laughable theology in conjunction with The Short Stack, a set of three forgettable dramatic sketches.</blockquote>

<p>I can only hope that I never fall so far out of love with the English language as to sign my name beneath a turn of phrase like "the harsh klieg light of reality". I grew up with the old multi-section <em>Reader</em>, though, so I'll admit wishing that we got a better hearing there. C'est la vie. (I'd forgotten this, but I apparently <a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2002/03/birthday_present_revolution_st.html">had a dream</a> about a bad <em>Reader</em> review for "Monks" in 2002.)</p>

<p>A ChicagoReader.com user named artiste replied in the comments for Griffith's review:</p>

<blockquote>Were you watching the same show I was? Monks in Trouble has a terrific cast and is a thought provoking, humorous play.

<p>I guess I will be reading your reviews with many grains of salt.</blockquote></p>

<p>Wasn't me and the director says it wasn't him, so I guess we've got ourselves an internet goon squad.</p>

<p>Next up was Nicholas Ryan Lamb from a website called <a href="http://steadstylechicago.com/monksintrouble.htm">Steadstyle Chicago</a>.</p>

<blockquote> On with the main event, "Monks in Trouble".  Monks, each with their own reason for inhabiting this monastery, and each with their own "less than Monk personalities", have recently been victims to "the void".  This unexplainable event is slowly making the world around them disappear.  Well, not disappear but there is merely a void where something used to be.  Michael and Lorenzo are on a mission to explain these occurrences and try and stop them from continuing.  The show is portrayed simplistically but effectively.  You won't get caught up with grand sets, costumes, or lighting, but this isn't needed.  What the show is focused on is the text.  The script is written quite well and precisely by Marc Heiden.  Rich with not only fantastic banter but the inclusion of the character reveals are extremely well penned.  The acting is quite enjoyable as each actor brings a unique quality to the characters. 

<p>Eric Cartier (Percy) finds amazing balance and levels that bring forth a well rounded contribution to his scenes as he tries to figure out if he is the son of God.  On the quest of interpreting the happenings are Michael (Jordan Hoisington) and Lorenzo (David Wilhelm).  Each one adds wonderful traits that make you laugh and question their existence in the monastery.  Dan Cooney (Stephen) heads up the Monk order as, what seems to be, perfect for this place.  His quiet and pleasant demeanor lends itself a place with the Monks but at the same time it is less interesting.  I find this something to be examined by the playwright.  Ken Craig (Jackson) rounds out the cast as the Monk has been driven to this life.  He tries taking a vow of silence but fails miserably.  The actions and text don't lend a believability to this nature in combination with the rest of his character.</p>

<p>This show is perfect for this venue, as it's quaint and intimate.  The space was used well but I found it crowded at times when the whole cast was on stage.  This problem came from the lack of levels.  It is nice to see original works in the city and this is no exception.</blockquote></p>

<p>Then came a blog review from <a href="http://www.eldugan.com/?p=578">Beth Dugan</a>, a short-time co-worker of mine and a longer-time co-worker of the director's.</p>

<blockquote>Monks in Trouble was fun. It was simple, and while I would have splurged for actual costumes and not nylon Halloween monk robes which were clingy in places I don't want to think about monks having, the cast was great. The actor who played the shy, feckless monk was so soulful in his performance, I felt deeply for what he was going through.</blockquote>

<p>I assumed that would be the last review, but one more appeared, a mere eleven days before closing. Brandon Kosters of something called <a href="http://fnewsmagazine.com/wp/2010/03/monks-in-trouble/">fnewsmagazine.com</a>, fwrote the following freview.</p>

<blockquote>This is the kind of play SAIC students should be going to see, particularly the writing students and the performance artists. Not because it's good, but because it's a testament to what you can do in a small space with few actors, virtually no props, and limited costuming.
The show is sort of double header, with The Short Stack (Three short plays written by Reina Hardy) starting the show.

<p>The Short Stack reminds me of something the late comic Mitch Hedberg once said. "You've got to start the show strong and end strong. It can't be like pancakes: exciting at first, but by the end you're fuckin' sick of em."</p>

<p>Enough said.</p>

<p>Playwright Marc Heiden is an alum of UIC, where he wrote the script for Monks in Trouble.</p>

<p>To summarize the plot briefly, a group of Monks flip out when objects in their monastery begin to mysteriously disappear. I will compare the three characters in the photograph below to three of the Seven Dwarves. Stephen (played by Dan Cooney) is the head of the monastery, kind of like Doc. Jackson (played by actor Ken Craig) is the cynical worldly failed-entrepreneur turned monk, kind of like Grumpy. Percy (played by Eric Cartier) is somewhere between Dopey and Jesus Christ. Although humble and kind of bumbling, he might be the son of God.</p>

<p>When you go to a cheap Chinese buffet, you're only disappointed if you expect something other then what the buffet is capable of providing you with: bad Chinese food.</p>

<p>By that token, Monks in Trouble is precisely what you could expect to see in a theater underneath train tracks with a seating capacity of 50.</blockquote></p>

<p>An alum of <em>UIC</em>? How dare you!</p>

<p>Really the perfect illustration of what the <em>Time Out</em> theatre critic said. The writer is <em>begging</em> you to appreciate how clever he is. Reference to an edgy comedian! Zany reference to a Disney movie! Cutting analogy to a Chinese restaurant! <em>Are you impressed yet?</em> Although that last one does neatly underline the quality of writing one ought to expect from a typo-riddled art school blog that runs theater reviews at the speed of four weeks late &mdash; it is, after all, only delivering what it's capable of providing readers with.</p>

<p>If I've missed any reviews, I'll post them here. Otherwise, that's the lot!</p>]]>
        
    </content>
</entry>
<entry>
    <title>Tragedy strikes the individual entry archives</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2009/10/tragedy_strikes_the_individual.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=406" title="Tragedy strikes the individual entry archives" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2009:/strangeplace//3.406</id>
    
    <published>2009-10-04T16:50:05Z</published>
    <updated>2009-10-04T20:05:25Z</updated>
    
    <summary>The individual entry archives template got bonged, somehow. (Almost certainly my fault.) Though restored to functionality, it&apos;s now in some kind of default state, which a half-assed Sunday morning effort was not enough to resolve. Seems to work, anyway. The...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Miscellaneous" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>The individual entry archives template got bonged, somehow. (Almost certainly my fault.) Though restored to functionality, it's now in some kind of default state, which a half-assed Sunday morning effort was not enough to resolve. Seems to work, anyway. The category archives are still working fine. I haven't written about <a href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/antarctica/">Antarctica</a> since 2003? What the hell else is there to write about?</p>

<p>I don't operate extensively on Twitter, but I am there to follow: <a href="https://twitter.com/marcheiden">@marcheiden</a>. You'll also find five-a-day on my <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/">Flickr feed</a>.</p>]]>
        
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<entry>
    <title>Teaching in Japan</title>
    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/2009/02/teaching_in_japan.html" />
    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://www.whatjailislike.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=3/entry_id=397" title="Teaching in Japan" />
    <id>tag:www.whatjailislike.com,2009:/strangeplace//3.397</id>
    
    <published>2009-02-08T18:35:35Z</published>
    <updated>2009-10-04T19:47:12Z</updated>
    
    <summary>I wrote this a couple years ago, while I was working in Hiroshima. A friend asked me for information about teaching in Japan, and I figured I&apos;d try to go into enough detail that it might be useful for posting...</summary>
    <author>
        <name>Marc Heiden</name>
        <uri>http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace</uri>
    </author>
            <category term="Japan" />
    
    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://www.whatjailislike.com/strangeplace/">
        <![CDATA[<p>I wrote this a couple years ago, while I was working in Hiroshima. A friend asked me for information about teaching in Japan, and I figured I'd try to go into enough detail that it might be useful for posting on the web. Time has made this guide less useful &mdash; NOVA, one of the two schools I described in detail, has gone belly-up. While working there, we always said they had an implausible business model, and as it turns out, they did. But I think the NOVA sections still apply in a general sense to many of the fast, cheap, and out of control English jobs one finds in Japan. (You could probably apply most of what I've said about NOVA to GEOS. Dunno what the situation is with <a href="https://www.gcom-nova.jp/form/index.shtml">G-COM</a>, the company that assumed NOVA's trademarks.)</p>

<p>I haven't updated the text from what I wrote in early 2007, save for HTML formatting and some photos. The first half of the guide is mostly technical and would only be of interest to someone considering doing the same, but the second half has a fine selection of photos, anecdotes, and gripes that should amuse general audiences, so skip ahead if you like.</p>

<p><strong>TEACHING ENGLISH IN JAPAN: A GUIDE</strong></p>

<p>In the first half, I'll outline the basic facts about teaching in Japan, with links to the various schools and some other web resources. In the second half, I'll discuss my own experiences with two of the major schools in Japan and try to give you a sense of what to expect in terms of the work life.</p>

<p>I should note that I don't consider myself a teacher. I was always a pain in the ass when I was in school, and I'm sure that every one of my old teachers would have laughed (or growled) if they knew I was spending my days trying to coax English out of a bunch of blank-faced students. From the beginning, I saw teaching in Japan as a means toward traveling in Japan. Simply put, it's a lot of fun to travel in Japan, and it was worth any peace of mind I had to sacrifice (by teaching) in order to do it. If your main interest is beginning a career as a teacher, teaching in Japan isn't really worth your while - at least not as described here. This isn't teaching as you remember it from school. You'll get some sense of how to manage a classroom, but that's about it.</p>

<p>So, without further ado...</p>

<p>QUALIFICATIONS</p>

<p>You don't need to speak any Japanese to teach English in Japan. You don't need any teaching experience, either. All you need is a university degree, in any subject at all. I've worked with art majors, English majors and computer science majors. As long as you've graduated &mdash; and you're a native speaker of English &mdash; you can teach English in Japan. Don't worry about age, either. Although most of the teachers are somewhere in their twenties, I've never detected any kind of age bias coming from any of these schools. As long as you're well-kept and you can convince them that you'll take direction and you'll stay at least a year, they'll be satisfied. There was a grandmother at one of our schools, and it was great to have her in the teachers' room.</p>

<p>English schools in Japan are big business. They're called <em>eikaiwa</em>, which translates to "conversation school". The theory behind <em>eikaiwa</em> is that Japanese students have studied English grammar and vocabulary in high school, but because of the memorize-and-recite / test-based style of the Japanese school system, they never really learn to speak the language. So they have the pieces, but they've never used them &mdash; kind of like memorizing an instruction manual without ever having played the game. And that's where <em>eikaiwa</em> come in. <em>Eikaiwa</em> supply a Real Native Speaker, who conducts the lessons entirely in English &mdash; no Japanese is supposed to be used in class &mdash; and the student knows they're getting Real English, as opposed to the cocked-up stuff their high school teacher tried to pass off on them.</p>

<p>This works better in theory than in practice, of course. Students may or may not remember any English from high school, and they may or may not put in any time outside of the <em>eikaiwa</em> classroom studying what they've learned. They have a lot of different goals: to escape boredom, or to get a better test score for a promotion at work; to use English while traveling, to hang out with or date or procreate with foreigners, to do better on their college entrance exams, because their parents told them to, because their psychiatrist told them to, because they use English at work or they'd like to use English at work. (And yes, those are all based on real people I met.) Above all, they're sold a flashy, glamorous Exciting Foreign Life experience that just happens to come in the form of a school &mdash; and you.</p>

<p>So, in practice, you'll have several classes of students of different ages whose goals are at cross-purposes, you'll have faintly ridiculous textbooks that may or may not have been written for these purposes, and you'll churn out lessons like McDonald's churns out burgers. If you're laid-back, you're patient, you have a sense of humor and you don't mind improvising (or, less gracefully, making shit up off the top of your head), then you'll be fine. There will be days when you want to throw a brick through the window, but there will be more days when you wonder why you're getting paid for something so easy. </p>

<p>GETTING A JOB</p>

<p>There are a few big <em>eikaiwa</em> and a lot of small ones. The big ones hire from overseas, so that's how most people start. It's possible to arrive in Japan, find a job with a small <em>eikaiwa</em>, and get your new employer to sponsor your work visa, but it's expensive and risky. You can run out of money fast, and if you're already in Japan when you get the work visa, you have to leave the country and then come back in to activate it. (The upside, however, is that the small schools often have better work conditions than the big ones. So that's the trade-off.) </p>

<p>If you're hired by one of the big schools, they'll take care of the paperwork and walk you through the visa process while you're in your home country. You'll be on a one-year contract, which can be renewed upon mutual agreement by you and the school. Generally speaking, you have to be a pretty big fuck-up not to be offered renewal. It saves the schools a lot of hassle not to have to train a new teacher every year. </p>

<p>Contracts in Japan are a little different from what you may expect, though. The contract can be broken by you, at any time, with no legal penalty. The school, on the other hand, cannot fire you without paying you a huge severance bonus, no matter what you do. (At worst, they'll transfer you to a really crappy branch to wait out the rest of your contract.) Some schools build in an end-of-contract bonus to keep you locked in for the whole year. Other schools don't, though, and plenty of teachers leave after a couple of months to find a job with one of the smaller schools that can't afford to hire from overseas. The main hassle is getting that work visa. Once you have the work visa, it doesn't matter who first sponsored it; you can work for anyone with it.</p>

<p>Right now, work hours are in flux at the various schools. Some are on a 29.5 hour schedule, and others are at 36.5 or 37.5, which are essentially standard 40 hour work weeks. (Schools cook the numbers for legal reasons. It's all to do with Japan's archaic pension system and who's considered a full-time worker.) In practice, you work eight hour days, five days a week. You're not likely to have Saturday and Sunday off, although it's not inconceivable that you would have Sunday and Monday off. Most people work from 1-9pm, with enough time set aside for lunch. If you're on the 29.5 hour schedule, then you'll have some break time in there as well, and you can use that as you please. Some schools give you 'office hours' for prep time, and others say they don't require prep, so they don't give you time. It's Japan, so inevitably, you'll wind up doing a bit of work outside paid hours. How much depends on how hard you hold the line with your staff.</p>

<p>MONEY</p>

<p>Japan is a good place to make money, as long as you're not supporting a family. You can either live like a monk and save a ton or go out every night and still save a bit. You learn ways to save money pretty quickly; even in Tokyo, cheap meals and furnishings are easy to find. The private schools described below pay a standard base rate of Y255,000. Some tack on extras: NOVA, for example, has to pay you a little extra if you work on a Sunday, and if you live in an expensive area like Tokyo, you'll get a small cost-of-living bonus. Other schools might subsidize the cost of your apartment. If you have to commute to your school, then the school will pay for your bus / train pass. If you're from the US, Japanese income taxes are gentler than those at home, and you won't have to pay income tax on what you make. (Unfortunately, I don't know about the tax rules for other countries.) If you're paying off debts back home, it's fairly easy to send money back to a bank account. There are a few ways to do it. GoLloyds (<a href="http://www.golloyds.com">http://www.golloyds.com</a>) is the easiest.</p>

<p>Travel within Japan was my priority during my first tenure, and I did plenty of that. Travel outside Japan was my priority for the second tenure, and I've managed that as well; budget properly and you can pull off two or three overseas trips during a year.</p>

<p>LIVING</p>

<p>If you're getting hired from overseas, the school will hook you up with an apartment. And that's a good thing &mdash; getting an apartment by yourself can be a weird, byzantine process involving multiple deposits (some refundable, others not) made to various parties and a lot of rent paid up-front. ('Key money' is a dread term.) There are landlords who are comfortable dealing with foreign residents, and decent apartments are sometimes passed from one teacher to another. But it takes some time to ask around, and you wouldn't want to have to deal with it upon arrival in the country.</p>

<p>So you'll start in a school apartment. You might have it to yourself, or you might have roommates. It'll be furnished with a TV, VCR, basic kitchenware, a new futon and whatever has accumulated from the teachers who preceded you (often a few old futons). Some schools let you move out of the apartment with one month's notice, and other schools build the apartment into your contract. They're not necessarily company apartments, though. It's likely that most of your neighbors will be Japanese people who have nothing to do with the school. Your bedroom might have tatami floors, or it might not. I've seen a wide range of nice-to-crap apartments. Schools provide varying levels of support, but it's in their interest to get you settled in, so they're at their most helpful in the first couple of weeks. Teachers are also pretty good about helping each other find the grocery store, the transportation, and all of those basic amenities.</p>

<p>If you're hired, the school will ask you for a wish list of locations within Japan, and they'll try to accommodate you based on that. I got my first choice the first time I worked in Japan. For the second time, the interviewer just asked me about places I'd been in Japan and liked, and then he offered me a placement based on that conversation. It worked out fine. I've heard stories about people asking for Tokyo and getting the middle of nowhere (and vice versa), but it didn't happen to me or anyone I knew.</p>

<p>You can get by with very little Japanese in your daily life. Of course, it helps to learn &mdash; and there are plenty of relatively cheap classes and tutors &mdash; but there's no pressure. Some employers might compliment you on it, and others will have no interest whatsoever. Plenty of people survive the whole year (or two) by pointing, grunting, and placing the burden on the friendly Japanese waitress to understand them. In major urban areas, it's pretty effortless to live without knowing any Japanese. In a rural area, it'd be tougher. I knew a fair amount of the language, but I was far from fluent, and I never had an obstacle of any significance.</p>

<p>THE INTERVIEW</p>

<p>Schools want people who are friendly, patient, confident with speaking and <em>genki</em> &mdash; meaning that you have a good attitude, you can put people at ease, and you seem eager, happy, cheerful and fun. (When in doubt, err on the side of being a Muppet.) Personality goes a long way. It's not necessary to have a strong knowledge of English grammatical terms, although some schools will make a show of testing you during the interview with a quiz. It's just a show. During training for my first job, another trainee asked me in total seriousness what a 'verb' was. (She was hot, and I am smart. Hey, fair enough.) As I said, you need a college degree, but it doesn't matter what the degree is in. Former art students were among the best teachers I met.</p>

<p>The schools also want to know that you're not going to flip out when you're living in a foreign country, away from your friends and family. There are some people who really struggle with that. Most are fine, but the small handful of flame-outs are spectacular enough to keep the recruiters on edge. The recruiters get hammered if they send over a bad recruit, so they have a lot at stake with their choices.</p>

<p>If you're determined to get the job, drop these points in the interview:</p>

<p>1. You enjoy meeting new people;<br />
2. You're flexible, you can adapt your style, you take direction well, and you like working as part of a team;<br />
3. You had a job or a project once where you took direction from a person who was senior to you, you learned a lot from that senior person and you followed his or her directions unquestioningly, and the project was a success;<br />
4. You're always on time;<br />
5. You're keen on little art projects that could be used as lesson supplements; <br />
6. You think Japan is interesting, and you'd love to learn more about Japanese culture; (Careful with this, though. Don't appear as though you already know too much about Japan. A certain kind of student who frequents these schools is hell-bent on educating foreigners about Japanese culture, and it just pisses them off if the foreigners already knows.)</p>

<p>The above should seal the deal. But if you're desperate and you want to absolutely guarantee you'll get the job at any cost:</p>

<p>7. Tell them you love teaching kids. Kids classes make a ton of money in Japan. I would never, ever teach one myself, but...</p>

<p><br />
THE SCHOOLS</p>

<p>Here's the spread of schools that hire from overseas, as I know them:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.teachinjapan.com">http://www.teachinjapan.com</a> <br />
This is the website for NOVA, the first school I worked for. They have recruiting offices everywhere, and they're easily the biggest school in Japan, so they hire the most people. (EDIT 2009: since they're bankrupt, that web address is no longer maintained by NOVA. Try <a href="https://www.gcom-nova.jp/form/index.shtml">https://www.gcom-nova.jp/form/index.shtml</a>.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.geoscareer.com">http://www.geoscareer.com</a> <br />
GEOS is the second biggest private school in Japan, but their reputation is abysmal. I would avoid them.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.aeonet.com">http://www.aeonet.com</a><br />
AEON is the second school I worked for. They have fewer teachers and fewer branches than NOVA or GEOS, so they're more selective. But they're in every major area, and they hire from Canada, America and Australia. (In that order of frequency, based on my experience.)</p>

<p><a href="http://www.japanbound.com">http://www.japanbound.com</a><br />
ECC is the last of the "Big Four" private schools. They have offices in Canada and Los Angeles, and occasionally from within Japan. I've heard that their interviews can be very long and involved, over the course of a few days. On the plus side, their reputation is easily the best of any of these schools, and their vacation time is awesome.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.jesjapan.com">http://www.jesjapan.com</a> <br />
James English School is unique in that they will hire based on phone interviews, although they ask for a video, too, if possible. They only have schools in northern Japan.</p>

<p>There's a school called Interac whose website I won't bother to dig up because their reputation is so bad. Berlitz is a dying breed, but they're in a few cities, too.</p>

<p>The JET Programme (<a href="http://www.jetprogramme.org">http://www.jetprogramme.org</a>) places applicants in public high schools around Japan to serve as teaching assistants (in practice, the Japanese teacher points at you, and you say an English sentence out loud, and the students repeat after you). I know very little about it. The JET teachers have kind of a parallel existence to the eikaiwa teachers; we don't see much of each other. They get paid better and have more vacation time, and often do less work. However, they have to apply over a year in advance, and they're far more likely to be placed way out in the boondocks. Their web forum is called Big Daikon (<a href="http://www.bigdaikon.com">http://www.bigdaikon.com</a>).</p>

<p><br />
OTHER WEB RESOURCES</p>

<p><a href="http://vocaro.com/trevor/japan/nova/level_up.html">http://vocaro.com/trevor/japan/nova/level_up.html</a> <br />
This is a website written by a former NOVA teacher. It's a few years old now, but it was the one I read when I was deciding whether to go the first time, so I'm fond of it. Lots of evocative photos.</p>

<p><a href="http://markcity.blogspot.com/teaching.htm">http://markcity.blogspot.com/teaching.htm</a> <br />
This is another good essay about life as a teacher, also at NOVA.</p>

<p>Gaijin Pot (<a href="http://www.gaijinpot.com">http://www.gaijinpot.com</a>) is a bigger, more formal, thorough teaching in Japan web forum; Let's Japan (<a href="http://www.letsjapan.org">http://www.letsjapan.org</a>) is smaller, less formal and funnier.</p>

<p><br />
OTHER COUNTRIES</p>

<p>The only country that compares to Japan in terms of ease of arrival is Korea. Their schools are called <em>hagwon</em>. They pay a little better than Japan, but the quality of life is widely agreed to be lower, and there are more shady schools over there &mdash; foreign workers aren't as well-protected as they are in Japan under labor laws. Still, it's possible to find a reputable employer and do the same deal there as I described in Japan.</p>

<p>I've seen at least one school with the same set-up in Indonesia, but I don't know anything about life there. Most teaching jobs in China are through universities. I was offered a job at a rural university in China before I came back to Japan for the second time, but I decided against it. A lot of the China jobs seem to cover room and board at 100% but pay only a small wage outside of that, and I didn't like that level of dependence. In Europe, teaching jobs seem to go exclusively to EU citizens who have teaching certificates.</p>

<p>If you want to investigate teaching opportunities in a specific country, check the forums at Dave's ESL Cafe (<a href="http://www.daveseslcafe.com">http://www.daveseslcafe.com</a>).</p>

<p><br />
AFTER JAPAN</p>

<p>When you go home, you'll discover that your public speaking skills have improved. You'll be able to make engaging conversation with absolutely anyone you meet. (Good for parties.) You'll be better-equipped to handle weird and stressful situations as well.</p>

<p>When you're looking for a job, however, you might as well have been traveling for a year. Future employers won't hold working in Japan against you, but the experience in Japan won't mean anything much in professional terms, unless you come back fluent in Japanese and you want to be a translator or something like that. I eventually managed to spin the experience from my first school in a business-training direction and got a training job that way, but it took a long time, and it was as much a matter of being in the right place at the right time as anything else. </p>

<p>The adjustment back home again can be hard. For me, it was harder than the adjustment to Japan. Make sure you have some money saved when you leave. Being stuck at your parents' place will only make it worse.</p>

<p><br />
HOW IT WORKED OUT FOR ME</p>

<p>I'm better at complaining than I am at praising, so the list of problems will be longer than its positive counterpart. Take it all with the proverbial grain of salt.</p>

<p>I had an amazing time in Japan. Again, the experience was more than worth the trials and tribulations. Many of the best memories I have are from Japan. There's just so much more that you can do when you're living in a country as opposed to just passing through &mdash; a whole new side of the culture opens up to you. I would recommend against thinking strictly in terms of one year, though. It does take about six months to hit your stride. Go, play it by ear and see how you feel after six months or so, then decide whether you're going to stay any longer. One of my few regrets is that I left too early the first time I was there.</p>

<p>I've lived in Japan twice. The first time was for a job with NOVA. I was teaching in a suburb of Kyoto called Katsura. My NOVA apartment was in Osaka, about 35 minutes from my school by train. It was a three-bedroom apartment, with about the same amount of total living space as you might expect from a one-bedroom apartment in America. I shared the apartment with two guys who worked at different NOVA schools. In bigger cities, those apartments tend to have a revolving door &mdash; because the apartments are kind of a rip-off and people can't live in them after they quit NOVA, there's someone new moving in every couple of months. I can imagine that would get old after a while.</p>

<p>Some NOVA apartment photos:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004183/" title="My bedroom in my first apartment by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/28/55004183_9342b9d733.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="My bedroom in my first apartment" /></a></p>

<p>My bedroom in my first apartment.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004194/" title="Sink between shower room and toilet room by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/29/55004194_4466c975aa.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Sink between shower room and toilet room" /></a></p>

<p>The sink between the shower room (left) and the toilet room (right).</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004197/" title="Japanese-style shower room by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/24/55004197_d1bfdaad5d.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Japanese-style shower room" /></a></p>

<p>Our Japanese-style shower room.<br />
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004201/" title="Living room of my first apartment by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/55004201_2a9716191e.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Living room of my first apartment" /></a></p>

<p>Our living room (fridge/kitchen off to the left).</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004175/" title="View from the balcony of my first apartment by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/30/55004175_dbf2b51732.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="View from the balcony of my first apartment" /></a></p>

<p>View from the balcony. The washing machine (no dryer) was out here.</p>

<p>After a month, I moved to a house in Kyoto. "Gaijin houses" can vary in quality, but it's easy to get a sense for one if you just stop by. I found a great one, and that's where I spent the rest of my first trip to Japan. Again, people were coming and going, but not quite as often, and they were carefully screened by the landlord. There was a lot more space and privacy. (Cheaper, too.) A handful of photos:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004446/" title="View from my window by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/55004446_a56bb6a118.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="View from my window" /></a></p>

<p>View from my first bedroom window.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/56470515/" title="Home by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/29/56470515_a392df7e17.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Home" /></a></p>

<p>Our front door.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/55004400/" title="My bedroom by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/28/55004400_8ff3f1e8ab.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="My bedroom" /></a></p>

<p>My first bedroom.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308735331/" title="Work station by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/103/308735331_b1a63fb817.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="Work station" /></a></p>

<p>My second bedroom.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308735455/" title="Pile of clothes by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/111/308735455_a45a084d0a.jpg" width="440" height="500" alt="Pile of clothes" /></a></p>

<p>Also from my second bedroom.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/56472057/" title="Pontificating at a party by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/56472057_248c605ca0.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Pontificating at a party" /></a></p>

<p>Talking shit in the living room with Adam and Alex.</p>

<p>When I came back for the second time, it was with AEON in Hiroshima. I had a one-bedroom apartment within a short from my school. Since the apartments are not as revolving-door as the NOVA ones, teachers occasionally leave some decent stuff behind for each other. I got more kitchenware than I have any use for, and also a Casio keyboard. Others have picked up microwaves, ovens, Western-style beds and other furniture. The apartment was nicer than the first set of pictures posted above, but in the same range:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2628062924/" title="My sink by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3122/2628062924_97dce999d3.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="My sink" /></a></p>

<p>Kitchen.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2627246525/" title="Japanese apartment balconies by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3001/2627246525_5e9209f6a2.jpg" width="500" height="286" alt="Japanese apartment balconies" /></a></p>

<p>Neighbors.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2628063202/" title="My shower room by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3098/2628063202_981c480fb6.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="My shower room" /></a></p>

<p>Shower room.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2628063486/" title="The Sarlacc pit by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3041/2628063486_116af2beb9.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The Sarlacc pit" /></a></p>

<p>The Sarlacc Pit. Water from the shower exits through one pipe, and water from the sink through the other. It's supposed to have a cover, but the cover was missing, and we could never find one that fit.</p>

<p>AEON and NOVA have their good points and bad points. In the final estimation, I think they probably even out. If you apply to any of the other schools, ECC is likely to fall closer to AEON in terms of benefits and drawbacks, and GEOS aligns closer to NOVA. In sum, I had more work and less responsibility at NOVA, less work and more responsibility at AEON. I go back and forth on which one I preferred. Draw your own conclusions...</p>

<p><br />
SOME BASICS OF NOVA LIFE:</p>

<p>Because they're the biggest school and they have the most locations, they're most likely to be able to place you where you want to go. NOVA will provide you with an apartment and deduct the rent from your salary, but you can move out with one month's notice. (That's a good thing, because they are notorious for overcharging for rent.) You teach classes of 1-4 students, 40-45 minutes each, from pre-planned lesson scripts that range from semi-adequate to awful. You won't know your schedule until you walk in on any given day. You'll have 10 or 15 minutes between classes to find the files for your next group and choose a lesson that works for all of the students (or as many as possible). The students are separated into eight ability levels. They don't take the lessons in sequence, and while some have regular days when you can expect to see them, others call up to book lessons whenever the thought occurs to them. Since they don't know what lesson they'll be doing, there's not a lot they can do to study outside of class.</p>

<p>You'll have anywhere from 2 (rare) to 30 (extreme) foreign co-workers. (I had 11-13 at my branch.) They don't give you a completion bonus or airfare, so you can leave whenever you like. Turnover at NOVA is quite high. To make them happy, give one month's notice that you're leaving. They do write decent recommendation letters if a future employer goes to the trouble of asking for one.</p>

<p>Among NOVA's good points:</p>

<p>1. The lessons require no preparation or thought &mdash; you can just read a script, basically, nod and praise at the correct intervals, and you never have to notice you're teaching a lesson. You may need to put in a little extra time during your first couple of weeks to familiarize yourself with the lessons &mdash; because from day one, you're expected to be ready to teach every lesson for every level &mdash; but there's nothing else to do. There's a little bit of paperwork between lessons, but you can always clock out on time at the end of the day. All you do is teach. Students don't turn in any kind of homework to you, either.</p>

<p>2. Since NOVA is the biggest school, they attract the widest range of students. Whatever your interest, you're likely to find a few students who share it. I've already been back to visit my old students once, and I'm sure I'll do it again in the years to come.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308735731/" title="Power trio by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/120/308735731_787149de6b.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Power trio" /></a></p>

<p>3. Similarly, you'll have a lot of foreign co-workers, and that gives you a better chance of meeting people you really like. There were a couple of idiots at my school, but for the most part, the group we had was amazing &mdash; creative, smart, funny, awesome people, interested in music and art and sports and plenty else. I learned a lot from my friends at NOVA. It does make me sad to think that group will never be completely re-assembled, but now I have places to stay and people to visit in countries all over the world. And that's cool.</p>

<p>4. It's easy to transfer to another location at NOVA, either temporarily or permanently. If things aren't working out at your school &mdash; or you want to try somewhere new &mdash; it's not hard to arrange. I spent most of my time at one school, but there were a few other schools that I did occasional days at, and I enjoyed the new scenery and students. Overtime is often available at other branches, should you want to make extra cash. Some people make a ton of money through overtime.</p>

<p>5. NOVA is actually pretty good for traveling. You don't get any public holidays off, because those are busiest times for lessons (e.g. people who've chosen to spend their vacation studying English). But you do get ten days to use at your discretion and an additional week off just after Christmas. And you don't have a set schedule, so it's easy to swap shifts with co-workers, since any teacher is interchangeable with any other teacher. You work one of his or her days, he or she works one of yours &mdash; and then you've got a three-day weekend (and a six day week to make up for it). I took a week's vacation using shift swaps spread out over the course of a couple months and only used one of my ten paid vacation days. You can get anywhere in Japan within 3-4 days, and airfare to other countries is cheap during non-holiday periods.</p>

<p>6. It's the easiest place to get hired and the easiest place to leave. There's less pageantry. Everything you need &mdash; vacation time, health problems, transfers, etc &mdash; has a form associated with it. You fill out the form, fax it on, and an answer comes back some time later.</p>

<p>7. Unlike some other schools, you don't wear a suit while working &mdash; only a shirt and tie. I kept my tie at school, and wore the same tie every day for several months in a row. That amused me.</p>

<p>Among NOVA's bad points:</p>

<p>1. NOVA has a bizarre "no-socialization" rule. Basically, you're not allowed to see or talk to students outside of the school. It's a weird rule and people break it all the time, but it has to be done away from the eyes of the Japanese staff (who may fear that you're giving away free lessons, and therefore costing them money) and the Western management (who are pricks, and will report you for anything they can). It's more of an irritant then a prohibitant, since we still had barbecues with the students and even climbed Mt. Fuji with a few of them, but it's just obnoxious in principle. When I visited my friends from NOVA, we had to have two parties: one the students could attend, and another the staff could attend. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308734970/" title="School lobby (with bunny arse) by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/103/308734970_c0054f23f0.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="School lobby (with bunny arse)" /></a></p>

<p>Empty school lobby, with pink bunny arse.</p>

<p>2. Because NOVA attracts the widest range of students, that includes the best <em>and</em> the worst. There's a social theory in there somewhere. Because the schedule is done randomly every morning, you don't know until you walk in whether you'll be spending 45 minutes alone with someone you detest. (Similarly, there's a pretty good chance at least one of your co-workers will be a total idiot.)</p>

<p>3. If you're popular with the students, nobody can cause any real trouble for you &mdash; basically, if you're good for business, that's all the Japanese management cares about, and they trump the Western management every time. Unfortunately, it's the Western management you deal with face-to-face, and they are, by and large, creeps. Inside your school, there will be one 'AT' for every seven or eight teachers. The AT is a teacher just like you, but they're also the liaison with the Western area manager (AAM). They don't have any real power of their own. They exist to get shit on by the AAM, and then to take the same shit on you. They're expected to fill out a log book with wardrobe faults, negative statements and things they (silently) observed teachers doing wrong. I had one AT, Paul Koch, who was notorious for acting like "one of the boys" in the teachers room and then heading around the corner to write up the whole conversation, leaving out his own participation, of course. The AAM comes in every so often to check the log book and deal with the complaints. You're never shown the charges, of course. The whole idea of the log book really got under my skin, personally. There are some ATs who aren't bad and do their best to create a good work environment. But it's like what they say about being the President of the United States &mdash; it's a job that attracts people who are psychotic, because only people who are psychotic could possibly want the job.</p>

<p>4. The new textbooks really are shit. Nobody likes them, and even though they're only a couple of years old, they're already dated. They're basically colorful phrasebooks. Some of the lessons flat-out don't work. I don't have a lot of experience with them, though. There were older, more grammar-based textbooks while I was there. But I didn't have time to prepare lessons, damn near half of the lessons in the textbook were unusable and I frequently didn't have enough material to fill out the time. That was stressful. I don't know how much that has changed.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308734478/" title="Inside a busy English school by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/118/308734478_1d851fb0df.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Inside a busy English school" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308734671/" title="School clutter by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/113/308734671_73bba13cc3.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="School clutter" /></a></p>

<p>A NOVA teachers' room will kill people with claustrophobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and any phobias regarding the need for cleanliness.</p>

<p>5. The classrooms are tiny &mdash; in any other country, they'd be called booths. There's a table with some folding chairs. You crowd in with your students and try to tune out the lessons taking place in the booths all around you. A guy comes in reeking of smoke, booze and his coffee breakfast. He hasn't showered or slept since his bender last night. Thanks to the booth, you'll get to know him really well. Or there are people who come in sick as hell, coughing and wheezing, and you can see the germs dancing before your eyes. The staff would never think to discourage anyone from attending their lesson, no matter how sick they are. It's a tough job for anyone who's claustrophobic and / or needs a lot of personal space. Saturdays are hell. Everyone's working, every class is full, the teachers room is cramped and the hung-over salarymen are out in force. My stomach still turns when I think about Saturdays at NOVA.</p>

<p>6. Everybody is interchangeable. Some of the students will miss you, but the business will not miss a beat if you're gone. Some people are bothered by that, and others like it, because it means very little responsibility. Teachers are always coming and going, which can get wearying after a while. Every newbie has the same questions. Fair enough &mdash; I did, too. But you do get sick of hearing people right off the plane do shitty sub-Seinfeld routines about the toilets and the Engrish on the bakery sign next to the school.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/308735846/" title="Clocking out for the last time by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/112/308735846_8a56e324e1.jpg" width="500" height="376" alt="Clocking out for the last time" /></a></p>

<p>Clocking out on my last day (photo by Tianni).</p>

<p>7. Takeshi is a moron. He has sucked in every class he's taken, and he's taken every lesson in the book several times. He won't buy a new lesson package unless he gets moved up to the next level. Everyone in the teachers room agrees that he is abysmal and will ruin lessons for the other students if he's moved to the next level. Who do you think wins? Takeshi, of course. It's not a school with a business side &mdash; it's a business that has taken on some trappings of a school in order to increase the profit margin. Again, some people don't care as long as they get paid, but it really bothers people who think of themselves as teachers.</p>

<p>8. The sheer number of classes meant that my head was ringing at the end of most days. I was fairly useless by the time I left work. Any intellectual hobbies are best pursued in the morning or on weekends.</p>

<p><br />
SOME BASICS OF AEON LIFE:</p>

<p>AEON is more selective than NOVA, since they hire far fewer teachers (2-3 foreign teachers per school, plus a few Japanese teachers). As a result, turnover is much lower. You teach fewer classes than at NOVA and have more break time. Teachers at AEON prepare materials for their own lessons using the school textbooks and optional lesson plans, but office hours are provided for prep time. Classes can be 1-5 people or 1-10 people, depending on the type of lesson. Teachers get public holidays off, although that's a bit deceptive, because most public holidays fall on Mondays, and AEON is closed on Mondays. But there is a whole week of vacation at the end of April, another week in August, and another week after Christmas. There are also five at-large vacation days. AEON provides a furnished single apartment for teachers, with the reasonable amount of Y42,000 deducted from every paycheck for rent. (I believe this has been raised slightly.) You're tied to that apartment for the whole contract &mdash; you can move out, but you have to keep paying rent on it. They're decent apartments, though, since they haven't had as many people passing through them. Unlike NOVA, where the Japanese staff can go their whole career without saying a word to you, the AEON staff work closely with the teachers. </p>

<p>They provide airfare home and a bonus upon completion of the contract. The size of the bonus depends on how long you were there. AEON presses you for an answer on renewal after five or six months of being there. It's nice to have the security, but it's also pretty hard to forecast how you'll feel about being there for eighteen more months.</p>

<p>Among AEON's good points:</p>

<p>1. Socialization with the students is fine, encouraged and will get you in the staff's good graces. There are school-plus-students parties every so often, organized by the staff. Attendance is mandatory, which is lame, and you have to pay to attend just like the students do, which is lamer, but at least there's always an open bar included in the price.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2631107606/" title="Poster for my Sayonara party by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3021/2631107606_6b296386ea.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Poster for my Sayonara party" /></a></p>

<p>Chiyumi's awesome poster for my sayonara party.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2247893977/" title="The Halloween mob by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2329/2247893977_f9843e6596.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="The Halloween mob" /></a></p>

<p>The Halloween mob.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2248688214/" title="Pirate Chiyumi &amp; Ron by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2336/2248688214_6475b3e341.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Pirate Chiyumi &amp; Ron" /></a></p>

<p>Chiyumi was a pirate, and Ron was Sun Wukong.</p>

<p>2. Because the teachers have a set schedule, the work environment tends to be more stable, you get to know your students better, and there's more of a chance that you're being given a set of classes that fits your specific skills. I did, and so did my two co-workers. Also, there's more personal space, and you may have your own classroom to decorate as you like.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2595357082/" title="My classroom: the door by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3239/2595357082_656800135d.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="My classroom: the door" /></a></p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2595356880/" title="My classroom: teacher's perspective by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3193/2595356880_a69cc2a5e6.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="My classroom: teacher's perspective" /></a></p>

<p>3. You might get used in your school's advertisements, which is fun and weird and fun and creepy. Makes for good souvenirs, anyway.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2451187007/" title="Lies by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3215/2451187007_5426abf059.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Lies" /></a></p>

<p>I was, in fact, very much capable of waiting to meet everyone.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimpsonfilm/2298301560/" title="Lincoln beard by chimpsonfilm, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3157/2298301560_e6e08c1a17.jpg" width="481" height="500" alt="Lincoln beard" /></a></p>

<p>Ron's interviewee on the bottom was apparently a bandit. Mine just went to Germany. (I was working on my Winter Lincoln Beard at the time.)</p>

<p>4. The Japanese staff work closely with you, which can be nice - in that you have more idea what's going on at the school, and they consider it part of their job to help you with anything related to your life in Japan. (I had one of them write a note in Japanese explaining how I wanted my hair to be cut.)</p>

<p>5. Unlike NOVA, the Western management at AEON were terrific, in my experience &mdash; helpful, fun people with useful advice and a genuine interest in your own satisfaction with the job.</p>

<p>6. Japanese teachers handle the low-level students. By the time a student reaches you, they already have a couple of classes under their belt. That makes a huge difference. And the staff at my school showed admirable integrity when it came time to decide whether a student should move to the next level. If the student needed to repeat the course, they told him that, and didn't pressure me to recommend him to move up. And if he doesn't want to repeat the class, they'll find an alternate course he can do until he's ready to move up. I never had a problem with students whose ability level wasn't high enough for their class. That made my work day a lot easier.</p>

<p>7. The textbooks are decent, all things considered. And they're willing to use textbooks they didn't produce, which opens up a lot of other options to meet students' specific needs. (NOVA only teaches one kind of course from one kind of textbook.) I almost always had enough material to fill out the lesson, and enough time to prepare it.</p>

<p>8. AEON's schedule will be changing to 36.5 hours soon. I don't know how that will change things. I was on the 29.5 hour schedule. I've never worked less at a full-time job. There were days when I had a three hour break in the middle of the day to go home and watch a movie. There were days when I taught two classes. My busiest day, Saturday, ranged from four to six classes depending on whether my private students were on the schedule. Contrast that to NOVA, where you've got a solid eight to teach. It's possible that one might be empty, every so often. On a truly miraculous day, you might only have six classes to teach. At AEON, you have the same schedule week-to-week. I only had three classes on Wednesdays, four on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If there were cancellations, you might teach two classes and call it a day. Almost too easy.</p>

<p>Among AEON's bad points:</p>

<p>1. The staff's raging desire for you to socialize with students can get weird sometimes. One advertisement about me bragged that I took students bowling every weekend. (Fortunately, students only asked about it once every couple months or so.) At our Christmas party, the staff was bugging one of my co-workers because he was sitting near me and there was a table of students who hadn't been talked to yet. They wanted to spread the foreigners out to maximize value and student happiness...at a Christmas party, that he was paying to attend. </p>

<p>The staff often try to micro-manage your performance and your persona. That, more than anything else, is why I left AEON. I honestly felt like teaching was the least important part of my job, as far as the staff were concerned. In their eyes, if I was in the office preparing lesson materials, I wasn't working. I was only working if I was out in the lobby chatting up prospective students. My staff would have been more satisfied with a functional illiterate who loved introducing himself to strangers with chunks of broken English and American surfer slang.</p>

<p>2. You have a smaller group of co-workers &mdash; one or two foreign teachers at most. That means fewer people to find something in common with. You work the same days as they do, and you probably live in the same building as they do. As a result, if someone arrives who sucks, that has a huge effect on things. I liked my two co-workers, but it's harder to avoid an asshole at AEON than it is at NOVA.</p>

<p>3. The dynamic with the Japanese teachers can be strange. They're not completely connected to what goes on &mdash; they rarely attend the business meetings, they teach different classes and they're usually only part-time. I became close friends with the Japanese teachers at my school, but that pissed off the staff, because the staff thought I was wasting friendliness that belonged exclusively to the students. The staff at my school hated the Japanese teachers and vice versa, for ancient, long-festering reasons that nobody even remembered, and the foreign teachers were caught in the middle. That was annoying.</p>

<p>4. Teachers are not interchangeable, so it's difficult to take your vacation days, because they're not actually bringing someone in to teach your classes &mdash; the classes for that day are being cancelled or rescheduled. The staff will inevitably put on a big show about how difficult that particular day is, and they'll wring their hands and moan and whine and wait for you to withdraw the request. It's really obnoxious.</p>

<p>5. Despite the public holidays, AEON is not all that great for travel. Prices for both airplanes and the <em>shinkansen</em> (bullet trains) skyrocket during the three week-long vacation periods. So you can go abroad or check out another region of Japan, but you'll pay dearly for the ticket, because everyone in Japan is traveling at the same time.</p>

<p>6. The worst thing about AEON &mdash; and everyone agrees about this &mdash; is the pressure to do sales. Twice a year, there is a "self-study campaign" (SSC). AEON has a bunch of books, CDs, books with CDs, and other crap that students can buy to improve their English &mdash; because the huge amount of money they're already paying for the lessons isn't enough, apparently. The school leverages your credibility as a teacher to sell these to the students. You make a "recommendation" and keep the student cornered as you give them the sales pitch, and if you're a "good" teacher, you pressure them until they agree. The students have already had this stuff pitched at them in their lower-level classes, the ones with Japanese teachers, so by the time they reach you, they've heard it all before. I had a really good relationship with my students. I knew their strengths and weaknesses, and I had a good memory for their personalities and the stories they'd tell in class. I felt like we had a natural rapport, and I considered a lot of them friends. So the way some of them would wince when they saw the sale coming just fucking killed me. Meanwhile, the head office has raised everyone's sales expectations because the campaign is on, so the staff are frantic and high-strung to get this crap sold. They ignore the Japanese teachers and focus all of their why-aren't-you-trying-harder on the foreign teachers. Similarly...</p>

<p>7. In the weekly business meetings, the staff moan and wail about how far below the month's sales expectations they are. (Should the expectations have been met, they move on to wailing about how far behind they are for the next month.) Only the foreign teachers attend these meetings. The staff ask for suggestions from the teachers about how to pull out of this dire situation. If any teacher is actually dumb enough to give a suggestion other than "we should work twice as hard and sell more", the suggestion is rejected. Business meetings were my fifty least favorite minutes of the week. (There may have been other schools that were different, but I've talked to enough other teachers to know that our meetings were not unique.)</p>

<p>That's about all I've got. I hope it doesn't come across more negatively than positively. I have skills and faults that make me, in equal turns, perfectly suited and utterly ill-suited for working in Japan. I'm glad I did it, and I think my employers were glad I did, too. (In the final balance.) </p>

<p>I open the floor to your questions.</p>

<p><em>Finis.</em></p>

<p><strong>UPDATED</strong></p>

<p>Friend and AEON co-worker Sara sent this response:</p>

<p>"I just read your blog entry about teaching in Japan.  Very well written, sir.  I still get asked about the experience, by those thinking of doing it, and I think I'll start giving them the link to this.  I'd honestly forgotten about SSC (or pushed it to the back of my brain, whatever) and how horrible it was to have to put the salesperson face on for these people that trusted me.  My first SSC was a month after I'd started at AEON and I seem to remember putting my foot down a bit because my students were just getting to know/trust me.  SSC was going on just as I was leaving, and I scheduled a bunch of "counselings" for it, but ended up just chatting it up with my students for 10-15 minutes and giving them a half-assed recommendation in the last 2.  Sure looked like I was working hard though!"</p>]]>
        
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