(CALVIN comes down the aisle towards the stage, wearing a terrycloth robe, feinting punches as he goes. MARTIN stands behind a table, beating on his bare chest and yelling. at center along the edge of the stage is a box. the REF stands nearby)
MARTIN: Yeah, motherfucker! Come on! Come on and get your ass beat! I'm gonna take your little bitch ass apart! I'm gonna make you cry! I'm gonna eat you alive!
CALVIN: You keep on talking that.
MARTIN: You're fucking dead!
REF: Standard rules, stay under control! Fighters, shake hands!
MARTIN: I ain't shaking that little bitch's hands! I don't want to get the stink of bitch all over me!
CALVIN: Bring it.
REF: Alright, you animals...keep it clean!
(the REF blows a whistle. CALVIN throws off his robe to reveal a shirt, tie, and dress pants. MARTIN pulls on a nice sweater and comes forward, dressed equally well. the REF lifts up the box, revealing a chess board, and runs away. CALVIN and MARTIN sit down by the board, moving a piece after each line and speaking at a lower volume)
CALVIN: Nice opening, you dumb motherfucker.
MARTIN: Yeah, suck on this, bitch.
CALVIN: Just like your mama did.
MARTIN: You wish.
CALVIN: Yeah, run the Sicilian defense like a fucking pussy.
MARTIN: Oh, sure.
CALVIN: And some of this...
MARTIN: Shut your little bitch mouth.
CALVIN: Yeah, baby.
MARTIN: You keep acting all tough when I got you bent over screaming for your mama in ten minutes.
CALVIN: I'll do that.
MARTIN: Get ready.
CALVIN: I'm ready. You got nothing.
MARTIN: You got the middlegame of a one-legged Swedish whore.
CALVIN: You got the analytic response of her crabs.
CALVIN: Don't even step to me with that weak-ass bishop flank manuever.
MARTIN: Yeah, bring your rook into my house. Bring him in here so he can suck my fat knob.
CALVIN: I will.
CALVIN: Watch me get Deep Blue deep down your throat.
MARTIN: Let's see you try.
CALVIN: I'm coming.
MARTIN: I hear you talking.
CALVIN: Don't even know why I'm wasting my time.
MARTIN: If you're so tough, why don't you take my line?
CALVIN: Like I'm scared of your line?
MARTIN: You ain't coming after them.
CALVIN: That's because I want to see you suffer.
MARTIN: Oh, is that it?
MARTIN: Is that it?
CALVIN: Damn straight.
MARTIN: (capturing a piece) Well, I'm feeling okay right now, how about you?
MARTIN: Mm! Take my pawn sweep! Yeah!
CALVIN: Fucking whatever.
MARTIN: They're about to crown a new grandmaster!
CALVIN: Oh, are they?
MARTIN: Worldwide grandmaster of beating your ass black and blue!
CALVIN: Fine. You think you're all that? Bring out your queen.
MARTIN: I'll bring out my queen when I feel like it.
CALVIN: What, is the slut too busy right now?
(the ANGEL appears)
CALVIN: Martin! Look!
MARTIN: It's the angel!
(the ANGEL walks over and stares at each of them for a long moment. they give hopeful smiles while she is staring, but their expressions fall when she shakes her head. she exits. dejected, they begin cleaning up the chess board)
CALVIN: It didn't work. She went away.
MARTIN: I don't know what we did wrong. We even worked in the creepy homophobic subtext of most male competitive sports, and it still wasn't enough.
CALVIN: I don't get it. She only appears when we're being competitive, but then she goes away. I don't know what she wants. We were being intense.
MARTIN: And the angel still won't give us the time of day.
MARTIN: Thanks. But you're no angel.
CALVIN: Those chess club guys were full of shit. They kept talking about their fast-paced rock star lifestyles, but they're really no better than the camera club.
MARTIN: Well, no use for recriminations now. What do we do next?
CALVIN: I don't know. We've got to find some way to impress the angel.
MARTIN: Perhaps we should seek the advice of the master.
(sitar music plays. CALVIN and MARTIN sit in the Lotus position. the MASTER enters)
MASTER: We were talking about being and not being. The students had many opinions. They argued and debated. They quoted teachings. Finally, one student turned to me. He said, "Master, what do you think? What is being, and what is not being?" I smiled, and I said, "You have spoken many words, and all of them have had merit. But during this conversation, only I have truly said anything about not being." The student said, with great confusion, "Master, you have been silent." I nodded, for that was the riddle. But still he was confused. "Master, I don't get it. If you were silent, how could you have said anything about not being? Did you just whisper? This isn't making any sense." His overwhelming sense of the obvious was ruining my zen koan, so I told him to leave. The other students understood perfectly, however. They were enlightened by my wisdom. When we were done talking about being and not being, we went across the street for burgers. I stopped to contemplate a flower, but the students kept walking. I called out to them, "Wait! There is a truck!" The students laughed. "Ah, but Master, why should we heed your warning? In talking about the truck, aren't you failing to truly say anything about it?" They smiled, for they thought they had solved my riddle. Well, the truck hit them, and they're all dead now. California law requires masters to clean up their students, so I have had a pretty crap day so far. What can I do for you?
MARTIN: Master, we are two hearts torn apart by the love of one.
MASTER: Ah, yes. The mathematics of the soul are never logical. Tell me more.
CALVIN: My friend Martin and I encountered an angel. We were eating breakfast.
MARTIN: Peanut-butter Captain Crunch.
CALVIN: And when we started yelling...
MARTIN: She appeared.
(CALVIN and MARTIN grab cereal boxes and move to the edge of the stage)
CALVIN: Oh, cool! They've got Pokemon stickers!
MARTIN: I'm gonna get the prize first!
CALVIN: The fuck you are!
MARTIN: Hah! I got a sticker of Jigglypuff!
CALVIN: So? I got a Pikachu! Suck on it, bitch!
(the ANGEL appears. she examines both of them as they talk)
CALVIN: Hah! See, she prefers me...
MARTIN: She's leaving! Speak to us, angel!
(the ANGEL exits)
CALVIN: She's beautiful!
MARTIN: We've got to find her!
(CALVIN and MARTIN return to the MASTER)
CALVIN: And that's what happens. Every time our competition reaches a fever pitch, she appears. But she judges us unworthy every time.
MASTER: I see. Let us meditate for an answer to this mystery.
(they meditate. the MASTER is serene, but CALVIN and MARTIN watch each other)
MASTER: Oh life, oh creator, oh spirit of mystery, grant us this day the wisdom we ask.
MARTIN: You call that shit mellow?
CALVIN: Oh, the little bitch is talking again.
MASTER: We call upon you in your infinite wonder to give us the peace of your love.
MARTIN: Question. What is the sound of one hand fucking your mama?
CALVIN: Man, I got inner tranquility like your bitch ass ain't even seen. You ain't in my league.
MASTER: Bless these troubled minds with the glory of your presence.
MARTIN: Boy, who taught you the Lotus position? Stephen Hawking?
(the ANGEL returns and begins examining the two)
CALVIN: Look! It's her!
MARTIN: That's her, master!
MASTER: That's her?
MASTER: That's the angel that appears to you?
MASTER: That's my wife. She's all hopped up on codeine because she just had her wisdom teeth out. Honey? Are you looking for the remote, honey? (the ANGEL nods) It's by the sink, dear. The sink. (the ANGEL nods and exits)
MARTIN: You mean...all this time...
MASTER: Sorry. She does love her game shows. So, ah, you guys want to buy some hemp bracelets while you're here?
CALVIN: No thanks.
MASTER: 100% natural, environmentally-friendly fiber. A hemp blanket, perhaps?
(the ANGEL returns, now walking more naturally)
ANGEL: The kool-aid's ready.
MASTER: Oh, boy. The kool-aid. (claps his hands once, with manic glee) Alright! Everybody up for kool-aid time!
(the ANGEL and the MASTER exit. CALVIN and MARTIN are alone)
MARTIN: Everything we searched for was a lie.
CALVIN: What a load of crap.
MARTIN: Yeah. I mean, we tried hard, we had faith in ourselves, and it didn't work out. Some dreams really don't come true.
CALVIN: Come on, Martin. I'll buy you a slushie.
MARTIN: You go on ahead. I'll catch up with you.
MARTIN: I'm tired of this, man! Every week we wind up following some crazy shit and it never works out! Well, I'm tired of it! I'm tired of hippie chicks on drugs wandering around acting like there's a better world! Do you hear me? I'm tired of it! (takes a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket and begins to write) Your church is crap! Knock it off with the hippie chicks and the damn incense, too! We're all tired of smelling it! My grandma's allergic! You guys suck and I hope you get fucking salmonella or something from eating raw cookie dough that you thought was going to be good but it turns out to be bad! And that goes for your entire church, too. (takes out a pin, sticks the paper to the wall, and writes one last line) Signed, Martin Luther.
(MR. SAUL and KIDS enter)
SAUL: And that's how the Protestant religion was made.
KID #1: Wow, Mr. Saul!
KID #2: That's not what our teacher told us last year!
SAUL: Well, your teacher last year was a very bad and dirty man who tells nothing but lies. Now, before we start math, who wants to get Mr. Saul a bottle of Jack from the corner store?
ALL: I do!
blister by marc heiden february 2000