endorsing gary

(a light waltz starts up. GARY and LINDA dance gracefully for awhile with each other, twirling across the stage. they come to a rest)

GARY: I love you, darling.
LINDA: Oh, Gary, this has been the perfect evening. Dinner, dancing...just perfect.
GARY: I want only the best for you, dearest..
LINDA: This is so romantic...we've never done this before, it's so lovely...
GARY: That's because we've never had the purchasing power of American Express behind us before. It's good at hotels nationwide...
LINDA: (confused) Yes, I suppose it is...
GARY: Linda, will you marry me?
LINDA: (surprised) Oh....oh, yes! Yes!
GARY: (ecstatic) You are so beautiful, Linda.
LINDA: Oh, Gary, you've made me the happiest woman in the world!
GARY: (smiles) Yes, my sweet wife, and you can use American Express anywhere in that world.
LINDA: (steps back) Gary, why do you keep mentioning American Express?
GARY: What? I don't see what you're getting all jumpy about.
LINDA: You've been going out of your way to extoll the virtues of various products all night!
GARY: I wouldn't call it "going out of my way"...
LINDA: Well, I would! We're in love! Why would we repeatedly drop the names of brand-name products in casual conversation with each other? It sounds unnatural and ridiculous!
GARY: Honey, it pays the bills...
LINDA: What?
ANNOUNCER: This hour of Gary and Linda's relationship is sponsored by Johnson and Johnson's new Fast-Relief Feminine Cream.
LINDA: What?!?
GARY: Looks like it's your turn. Dear, why don't you tell me in an intimate, confessional manner, what you do to take care of vaginal infections and what works for you. (LINDA just stares, incredulous) Oh, and try to do it in under thirty seconds, okay?
LINDA: You bastard. I'm leaving! (storms off)
GARY: (confused) What?

(BELLBOY approaches)

BELLBOY: Sir, your room is ready.
GARY: (sighs) Thanks, kid, but I guess it'll just be a room for one tonight. You know, when I get a headache this big, I won't just settle for any aspirin...

endorsing gary by marc heiden february 1998