(in darkness the following is heard)
LEON: I'll never forget it. It was the only funny "Fred Basset" ever. True story. Let me set it up for you. Fred's sitting there in panel one, enjoying the sunshine. He's sitting near a fence. These two old people show up. They see Fred and bend down to pet him. "Look!" says the old woman. "This must be Barney Beagle." The old people smile and walk off. Now Fred, he can't believe it. Barney Beagle? What the hell is that? Don't these people know who they're talking to? So Fred looks straight at the viewer with this look of total disgust on his face and says "This town is full of idiots."
(lights come up to reveal BRIAN and SUE, talking while sitting at imaginary desks. perhaps the sound of newspaper presses in the background)
BRIAN: I want to be a beachcomber when I get out of college.
SUE: Can you do that anymore?
BRIAN: Well, there are still beaches, so I guess it stands to reason that they still need people to comb them.
SUE: I wonder what happens to beaches if they don't get combed?
BRIAN: I don't know. Maybe sharks.
SUE: Makes sense.
(they sit in silence for a moment, idly looking at papers on their desks)
SUE: Oh, so I took my first exam in Journalism 361 today.
BRIAN: Really? How'd it go?
SUE: It sucked. The question was "Should you make stuff up?" and I put "yes", because what if it's a boring story? No one will want to read it!
BRIAN: And that was the wrong answer?
BRIAN: I don't get that at all.
(the phone rings. SUE answers it)
SUE: Daily Illini Newsroom. (listens for a moment) No, we're not printing that.
BRIAN: Who is it?
SUE: It's Crazy Louie. He says he's got proof that Chief Illiniwek killed Kennedy.
BRIAN: (looks at his watch) Shit, it's almost five o'clock and my page three layout isn't done yet. I need one more story. (takes the phone) Louie? Hey, this is Brian. Listen, I need you to cover something for me. Some professor in archaeology is returning from a trip today and I need you to go do a four paragraph job on him. Can you do that? (listens for a moment) That's great to hear, Louie, and we'll talk about it when you bring in this story. 461 Davenport. Professor Totkorper. Go get 'em, tiger. (hangs up) Kid's a fucking lunatic.
SUE: Will he do it?
BRIAN: Yeah. Come on, let's get a slushie.
(they walk off stage. lights dim, possibly. they return in a moment, holding slushies)
BRIAN: You hear about that new bar?
BRIAN: Neither did I. (looks at watch) It's six-thirty. I wish he'd get here with that story already. I want to go home. (phone rings) That better be him. (picks up phone) Daily Illini Newsroom. (listens) Hi, Louie. Do you have the story ready? (listens) Louie...(listens) Louie...(listens) Just get the damn story! Geez! The real one! (hangs up)
SUE: What happened?
BRIAN: I hate that kid. Lives in some idiotic fantasy world...
SUE: What'd he say?
BRIAN: He said that when the professor came back, he didn't come back alone. He came back with a bunch of barbarians and they're rampaging all over campus.
SUE: God, what a weird kid.
BRIAN: So anyway, the trick to taking Journalism exams is if there's a question with the word "objective" in the title, you answer "yes", unless it's a trick question where there's a "not" next to "objective".
SUE: Okay, cool. (phone rings, she answers it) Daily Illini Newsroom. (listens) Uh huh. A Mongol horde sacked the Union and toppled that stupid arch on Lincoln. Sure, we'll print that. (hangs up) Idiot.
BRIAN: Was that Louie?
SUE: No, it was someone else. Must have been one of his friends.
BRIAN: Yeah, like he has any friends.
SUE: You see that new movie about the ape?
BRIAN: Nah. I don't like Barbra Streisand.
SUE: No, it's...hang on. (phone rings) Daily Illini Newsroom. (listens) Uh-huh. Barbarians hung the head of the math department from the Altgeld tower, disemboweled the president of the Inter-Fraternity Council, and they're now burning and pillaging Green Street. That sounds real. Don't you have anything better to do? (hangs up) God, how annoying.
(the sound of glass breaking is heard as a cat comes flying through the window)
BRIAN: Ah! Shit!
SUE: Fucking bastards. I'm calling the police. (dials) Hello? Champaign Police Department? Yeah, someone just threw a dead cat threw our window. (listens) Uh-huh. But...hello? (hangs up) They said all their officers are at a monster truck show in Rantoul and that I should call the campus police.
BRIAN: Those guys? Forget it. Let's just clean up the cat and...
(more breaking glass as a GEEK comes flying through the window)
GEEK: I want my mother! (runs off)
BRIAN: Okay, something's going on. I bet that frat party down the street got out of hand. I'll go talk to them. (exits)
SUE: (musing to herself) God, this is so stupid. Barbarians. Yeah, right. (pauses) Oh my god, I'm talking to myself. I must be like mentally defective or something. (pauses) Oh my god, I'm still doing it right now! (pauses) Oh my god...
(the MONGOL HORDE enters: GENGHIS, MING, ATOR, and FUG, who is holding a club to BRIAN's head. GENGHIS has a club as well. they are dressed in fur coats, have beards and/or hats, assorted odd accessories)
SUE: A Mongol horde!
BRIAN: They've got a club pointed at my head!
SUE: Shit! Shit!
GENGHIS: Do not move or I smash.
BRIAN: No, don't! We'll do anything you want! What do you want?!?
MING: Meat. (murmurs of agreement from the other MONGOLS)
SUE: Okay! There's an old roast beef sandwich in the fridge! I'll get it out!
MING: Mmm. Beef. (more murmurs of agreement)
GENGHIS: Beef good. Fug, let weakling go.
FUG: We go now?
GENGHIS: Yes. Have beef. Now go.
ATOR: No smash?
GENGHIS: (as if making a point) Beef.
ATOR: (understands) Ah.
GENGHIS: Now we go.
(suddenly a siren is heard. FUG grabs BRIAN again. a CAMPUS COP appears at the front of the stage)
GENGHIS: What? Hurt ears! Angry!
BRIAN: Oh, shit, it's the campus police. Now we're really screwed.
COP: This is U-C Blue Campus Patrol! Come out with your hands up!
BRIAN: Do something! He's got a club!
COP: (into radio) This is unit four and we have a hostage situation at the Daily Illini building! Negotiations have failed and I need a specialist!
STANFORD: (entering from the back) You wanted one, you got one.
STANFORD: That's right. I'm Stanford Bronson, crisis negotiator, and I'm in charge now. (calls up to the stage) Okay, Mongol horde! How are you doing?
STANFORD: Let me tell you, if you're hungry, you're going to love the fine eateries here at the University of Illinois! But when you go out to eat, do you really want to bring those hostages with you? Then you'd have to buy food for them too. You could save a pretty penny by letting them go.
ATOR: Not buy food. Take food.
STANFORD: Oh. In that case, I guess the hostages wouldn't pose much of a problem. (thinks) Alright, we're willing to work with you to help you get what you want. Just don't harm the hostages.
ATOR: Want to smash!
STANFORD: Are you sure that's what you really want?
STANFORD: Okay, we'll work on that for you. We're going to do that for you. But as a gesture of good faith, we need you to release one of the hostages.
STANFORD: (turns to COP) These are some crafty devils we're dealing with here. They're smart. They won't fall for just anything.
COP: Can you handle it?
STANFORD: Of course I can handle it. I'm Stanford Bronson. (turns back to MONGOLS) How's it going up there, my Mongol friends?
STANFORD: You know, I was part of a horde once too. We had a grand old time sacking villages. Do you enjoy sacking villages?
BRIAN: Will you shut up and save us?
(MONGOLS grow tense again. COP listens to his radio)
STANFORD: (irritated but retaining composure) Everyone be calm. No one's going to get hurt here. Everyone's going to be happy.
COP: Mr. Bronson, the boys found eighteen used copies of "Smash" at Discount Den. It's a CD by a band called the Offspring.
STANFORD: Okay. Get five of them down here pronto. (calls up to MONGOLS) Okay, we have "Smash" on the way for you. Do you like the Offspring? We have enough copies of "Smash" for everyone. Does that make you happy?
GENGHIS: Off-spring? (confusion amongst MONGOLS)
BRIAN: They don't want CDs, you idiot! They don't even know what CDs are!
STANFORD: (irritated again, to COP) Cancel the order. The Mongol horde just pulled the rug out from under us. Tricky bastards.
COP: The captain just called. He's going to blow up the building.
STANFORD: With everyone inside?
COP: Yeah. This is too hard.
STANFORD: Damn it, I need more time! Let me talk to him! (into radio) Alright Fleischman, you listen to me! I don't care how they did things in New York and I don't care how you do it in this backwater swamp! I'm going to solve this my way. No one dies on my watch, do you hear me? No one! (listens for a moment) That was an accident. (listens more) Fine. May God have mercy on your soul. (returns radio) Okay. I've got five minutes. Mongols! You need to tell me what you want so I can help you here!
SUE: They said they wanted meat before! (murmurs of assent from MONGOLS)
STANFORD: Okay! Great! Meat! I can do that! (to COP) I need some beef jerky stat.
COP: I've got a whole box in my car.
STANFORD: Get it for me. (COP exits) Horde! May I have your attention please? I'm going to bring you meat but you have to let the girl go.
BRIAN: What about me?
STANFORD: You can do whatever you want with the whiner.
COP: (returning) Here you go.
STANFORD: Look, Mongols! I'm strapping the beef jerky to my vest. I have no weapons but I do have some yummy meat for you. I'm going to make you a deal. I'll trade myself for the girl. You can take me hostage instead of her.
BRIAN: Screw her! Let me go instead!
STANFORD: (irritated) That's hardly a fair trade, kid. Okay! I'm coming up!
(STANFORD, holding his hands in the air, comes onstage. the MONGOLS are tense)
STANFORD: Alright, Genghis. You have me. Now hold up your end of the bargain and release the girl. (the MONGOLS just stare) On the count of three I'm going to toss you the meat and you're going to let her go. Are you ready? (GENGHIS nods) One...two...three!
(he tosses the beef jerky to the MONGOLS, who lose interest in the hostages and begin happily eating. BRIAN goes running out and SUE hugs STANFORD)
BRIAN: Stop the bomb! Stop the bomb!
STANFORD: (waves at MONGOLS) Book these clowns.
(while the scene finishes, in the background the COP is trying to arrest the MONGOLS. annoyed, FUG clubs the COP over the head and the MONGOLS leave)
SUE: You did it! You saved us!
STANFORD: That's right, I did. Little girl, go now and live a happy life. A free life. But never forget the brave souls who laid down their lives so that you could go free today.
SUE: Like who?
STANFORD: Never mind them now. I'm Stanford Bronson, crisis negotiator. Kiss me, you fool.
(they kiss and the lights go down)
(in blackout there is a voice - dead with resignation)
LEON: The newspapers said the invasion was over and it was. Now they walk amongst us. Now their invisible hand rules our every move. Now we are caged and now the occupation begins.
(lights come up to reveal the owner of the voice, LEON. he is sleeping with his shoes nearby. his clothes may also be around. he wakes up as his roommate VLAD walks in)
LEON: God, shut up. I'm trying to sleep.
VLAD: It's six o'clock at night. Healthy college boys should be up and around.
LEON: Ah, fuck you and your preconceptions of college life. (looks around) Where'd the sun go?
VLAD: I told you, it's six o'clock. Let's get some dinner.
LEON: Okay. (he begins to get dressed, somewhat groggy)
VLAD: Leon, why do you sleep so much?
LEON: I don't like the world. I don't want to deal with it.
VLAD: Is this about...
LEON: We're governed by barbarians, Vlad. It's a constant struggle out there to maintain my integrity and individuality. It wears me out.
VLAD: We're not governed by barbarians. We're governed by the Board of Trustees.
LEON: I don't mean them, you collaborator. I mean the Mongol horde.
VLAD: Will you let that go already? They lost the siege!
LEON: They're still out there.
VLAD: If they were out there, we'd know it. Savage barbarians aren't exactly known for their subtle tactics. They smash things. That's pretty much it.
LEON: Yeah, go on believing that. But the pieces just don't add up.
VLAD: Besides, campus police wrote them a warning. If the Mongol horde invades again within sixty days, they get a ticket and if they invade again after that, they get suspended. They'll stay away.
LEON: (now fully dressed) Come on. Let's get something to eat.
(they exit the room and begin walking. they arrive at the cafeteria and get in line)
VLAD: Any plans for tonight?
LEON: Yeah, I'm going out with Josie.
VLAD: Josie? I thought you were going to break up with her.
LEON: I was, but it's only three weeks until my birthday and I'll be damned if I'm going to have another one of these relationships where it only covers her birthday and not mine so I'm stuck buying a gift and I don't get one in return.
VLAD: That's a beautiful sentiment, Leon.
LEON: What are they serving tonight?
VLAD: Lemme check. (peers over) Looks like beef.
LEON: Again? This is the seventh night in a row!
VLAD: (distant) Mmm...beef.
LEON: I haven't seen any vegetarians in days. See, Vlad, this is just what I'm taking about. It's suspicious.
GIRL IN LINE: (shouting offstage) We're out of food!
(FUG comes out wearing a chef's hat and apron, deposits a pan of beef)
FUG: More beef.
(FUG leaves. the line continues. VLAD and LEON get their food and sit down)
LEON: I can't put my finger on it what it is, though.
VLAD: I don't know why you're so anti-Mongol horde, anyway. I think they're cool. Didn't you see today's DI?
LEON: No. What'd it say?
VLAD: Read the headline. "Mongol Horde Good." They even have a picture of this barbarian petting a puppy. And look! The sun's smiling too. See?
LEON: The DI is a joke. They never have any serious commentary anymore. All the editorials are about how mighty this guy Ming is. I've never heard of him. Why should I care?
VLAD: I don't know, they make a pretty convincing case. It says that one time he smashed a big rock.
LEON: That's totally irrelevant. They used to print real stories. Look at this page five expose about fire being bad.
VLAD: It is! Have you ever touched that stuff?
LEON: This is hopeless.
VLAD: You have to admit, the comics have improved.
LEON: (hesitates) Yeah, but that doesn't count.
VLAD: Sure it doesn't. Have fun on your date, cowboy. I'm going to go chase after cars and listen to Zeppelin. (exits)
LEON: It's a conspiracy. I just can't figure out how all the pieces fit. (gets up) Ah, well. Time to pick Josie up anyway.
(LEON moves over to the door and knocks on it. JOSIE answers)
JOSIE: Hang on. I've got just one more thing to do. (closes the door again)
(LEON grumbles and mopes. BETTY comes out onstage)
BETTY: Leon! Hey!
LEON: Oh, hey Betty. I didn't know you lived in this dorm.
BETTY: Yeah. My room's down the hall.
LEON: That's cool. Nice place?
BETTY: I guess so. Here comes the RA now.
(ATOR comes out onstage and, back to the audience, urinates. when done, he exits)
LEON: Is he pissing on that wall?
BETTY: Yeah. It's to let the other RAs know that it's his floor.
LEON: But doesn't that seem a little strange to you?
BETTY: It's pretty effective. The third floor attacked us last week but they've been staying away ever since. Are you alright?
LEON: Yeah. I don't know. Something's wrong around here and I can't put my finger on it. Ever since that Mongol horde invaded...
BETTY: Mongol horde good.
BETTY: Saw it in the DI. So how are your classes?
LEON: They're alright. Not what I was expecting. All the lectures in my CS 225 class have been about breaking things and burning huts down.
BETTY: Who's teaching it?
LEON: Professor Genghis.
BETTY: Oh, I have him for Smashing Crap in Historical Context. It's great. We threw bricks at each other yesterday.
(JOSIE comes out)
JOSIE: I'm ready. Hi Betty.
BETTY: Hi Josie. I'll take off now.
LEON: See you.
(BETTY leaves. LEON and JOSIE walk down into the audience)
JOSIE: So where are we going?
LEON: I was thinking we could go see the improv comedy show at the Union.
JOSIE: Oh, is it Spicy Clamato? I love them.
LEON: Good. Let's go.
(they take seats. the lights dim, if possible)
ANNOUNCER: The Illini Union Courtyard Cafe welcomes you to a night of improvisational comedy with your favorite nuts...Spicy Clamato!
(the MONGOLS come out onstage. they stand in a line. if the actual audience gives suggestions, go ahead and take them - the form of the response should be obvious)
GENGHIS: We play 1-8-5 now. Give suggestion.
MING: (steps forward) One-hundred eighty-five toilets walk into bar. Bartender says no serve you kind here. Toilets say why not. (pauses) I smash them.
(MING steps back. AUDIENCE erupts into laughter)
FUG: (steps forward) One-hundred eighty-five toilets walk into bar. Bartender says no serve you kind here. Toilets say why not. (pause) I break them.
(AUDIENCE cracks up again. GENGHIS steps forward)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (geeky) The knights who say "nee"!
ATOR: (puzzled) What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: The knights who say "nee"! Heh-heh!
(FUG walks out into the audience and clubs the AUDIENCE MEMBER to death)
ATOR: No steal joke from Monty Python for lame improv suggestion. Give new one.
AUDIENCE: Mashed potatoes!
GENGHIS: One-hundred eighty-five mashed potatoes walk into bar. Bartender says no serve you kind here. Mashed potatoes say why not. (thoughtful pause) I kill them.
(AUDIENCE again goes wild)
LEON: (getting up) Come on, let's get out of here.
JOSIE: Why? They're hilarious!
LEON: (pulling JOSIE) This isn't right. Improv didn't used to be like this.
JOSIE: Let me go!
LEON: Don't you see this is wrong? The thing walks in and they smash it or break it!
It's the same joke every time!
JOSIE: But it's a good joke.
LEON: They do it over and over again!
JOSIE: It's not all talky.
LEON: It's stupid!
JOSIE: But it has zing.
LEON: (frustrated) Fine. Stay here. You can surrender if you want. I'm going to find the Mongol horde and expose them for the...horde that they are. I'm going to bring them down if it's the last thing I do.
(LEON stalks off. JOSIE shrugs and sits back down)
MING: One-hundred eighty-five brass monkeys walk into bar. Bartender says no serve you kind here. Brass monkey say why not. (thinks) I break them.
(AUDIENCE goes wild. lights out)
(in darkness there is the sound of static, a channel changing, and the following)
SERENA: Hi, this is Serena Altschul with MTV news and we're here interviewing Fug, the first member of the Mongol horde to go solo. Fug, thanks for coming.
FUG: My happy, Serena.
SERENA: What made you choose to leave the horde?
FUG: Creative differences.
OPRAH: (channel change) Genghis, the pressure of leading an entire horde must be incredible.
GENGHIS: It is, Oprah. I won't pretend that I haven't made some mistakes along the way. It's hard not to lose focus. There are so many temptations...sex, drugs, all of it. You have to remember that what you're there for is breaking things. That's your gift.
OPRAH: I want to recommend Genghis's book to all my viewers. It's our book club selection of the month. "Genghis: If You Defy Me, I Will Crush You".
VOICE: (channel change) ...debuting at number two, it's Celine Dion and Ator with "You Smash My Heart".
(a match is lit onstage - or a flashlight, if the match is not enough - where LEON sits with PREACHER ABE, TAWNY, and Mr. Widdles, a teddy bear)
LEON: The tyranny ends tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, we are the resistance. We are gather here in this, the last safe refuge on earth for independent thought, and here we shall make our stand. At this monument to democracy and freedom, we draw the line once and for all. Right here at Kam's.
(the lights come on and so does a cheesy dance song. JULIE bumps into LEON's back)
JULIE: Um, excuse me, I'm trying to grind here. (pauses) Why are you sitting on the dance floor?
LEON: Sorry. We'll get a booth.
(LEON and the others move)
LEON: I've brought you all here because you are the only free thinkers left. Everyone else's mind has become soft and dull. They can't see what's going on in front of them and it's up to us to open their eyes. Our task will not be fun, people. It's going to be frustrating. My sources have informed me that the Mongol horde has been taking language lessons. Those barbarians are crafty and they're brutal. But for future generations everywhere, we have to stop them. Are you with me?
LEON: Preacher Abe. What brought you here?
ABE: This horde worships a false god and it is the god of destruction. I was doing the Lord's work earlier today...
(on the quad, a crowd is gathered around ABE, listening and jeering)
ABE: Inebriation! And fornication! The carnal pleasures! They cloud your eyes from the light of the Lord, for who can love the Lord if they love only themselves and their bodily desires?
(the MONGOLS shuffle onstage and listen)
ABE: The shifty mind of the fornicator thinks that the Lord cannot see him while he is alone in his sweaty bathroom...yes! Yes, I know what you do in there, and the Lord does too! The Lord misses nothing! And all the deceit, all the pride in the world cannot save you from His righteous wrath!
ATOR: (suspicious) Who is this lord?
ABE: The Lord Almighty! Yahweh!
ATOR: And he is strong?
ABE: Yes He is!
(the MONGOLS confer)
ATOR: Can he break big rocks?
ABE: Yes. Nothing can stand against His power. The Lord drove the Egyptians to their knees...
ATOR: We smashed Rantoul yesterday.
ABE: (taken aback) Are you so prideful that you would dare compare yourselves to the Lord your God?
(the MONGOLS confer some more)
ABE: I assure you that you are but an insect in His eyes!
ATOR: I smash insect.
JOSIE: The Mongol horde seems pretty mighty.
VLAD: Yeah, I've got to admit, I'm impressed.
ABE: The righteous shall be judged by the good in their hearts, not the size of the rocks which they can break!
ATOR: What can you do with good in your heart? With broken rocks you can make spears. With spears you can kill large animals and get lots of beef.
JOSIE: Sounds good to me.
VLAD: Sign me up!
(return to Kam's)
ABE: (sullen) Their message is Satan's message and they are corrupting the already weak minds of college students everywhere. It is the duty of Jesus's Soldiers everywhere to bring down this abomination. (pauses) And you know how it is in those hordes. Several men in close quarters, sweating and flexing their muscles...an abomination!
LEON: Okay. Thanks. Whatever gets you through the night. Tawny?
TAWNY: Well, I was holding an animal rights and save the environment rally on the Quad with my service sorority...
(back to the Quad. TAWNY is speaking as if behind a podium or with a bullhorn)
TAWNY: This is the only earth we have! We don't have any other earths so we have to save this one! You need to recycle because the dolphins get caught in those plastic holes from six-packs and the dolphins are beautiful! If we run out of dolphins then we'll never get any more and we'll miss them! No longer will we be able to have all the wonderful things that dolphins give us! And we shouldn't make bombs either because sometimes they explode accidentally and then we have that much less earth!
(the MONGOLS show up. MING is holding a piece of paper)
TAWNY: Um, excuse me, I'm trying to hold a rally here...
MING: We have space request form. Ours at 2. Now move.
TAWNY: (looking at the paper) You're the College Republicans?
MING: Yes. (begins addressing the crowd) Many people say smashing bad. Those people are wrong. Smashing is good. How else can you show mightiness? Do you really want a weakling in power when another group invades?
VLAD: Heck no!
MING: Well then we have to be sure how mighty ours leaders are! People are saying a lot of dumb things. They say not to kill animals. What the hell is that? Animals taste good!
TAWNY: But we have to respect the creatures of mother earth!
MING: Yummy in tummy. (straining to pronounce) Li-ber-als. They're so dumb. Another thing. People say war is bad. No! War is cool.
VLAD: It's about time the pro-war movement got a voice.
JOSIE: You're right. I'm tired of all the negativity. Let's hear something positive for once.
MING: War means explosions! Sparks! Yelling! Fun.
TAWNY: This is so wrong!
MING: No. You're wrong. War is fun. Who wants to invade Carbondale?
VLAD: War kicks ass!
(return to Kam's)
TAWNY: And that's my story.
LEON: (sighs) So it's worse than I thought. The Mongol horde now has the capability to articulate its position. We don't have much time left.
TAWNY: What's with the teddy bear?
LEON: Mr. Widdles prefers to keep his reasons private for now. Alright. We need a plan. Any suggestions? (silence, blank stares all around) Okay. Let's start with this: what do they want?
ABE: They seemed pretty interested in meat.
LEON: Right. We lure them with meat. We put a lot of glue on a big drumstick and catch them that way.
TAWNY: What do we do with them when we have them?
LEON: I don't know. I'm hoping it'll be somehow obvious when the time comes. Now the first thing we need is a big-ass drumstick. Abe, you're on meat detail. I got these buffalo wings when I came in. I need you to get all Christ-like on them. Make them grow in size or multiply or something. Tawny, you're on glue.
ABE: What does Mr. Widdles do?
LEON: He's our ace in the hole.
ABE: Widdles is holding us back. I don't trust him.
LEON: You learn to trust him, preacher. He may be the only friend you've got. Now let's get to it.
(ABE bows over the buffalo wings. TAWNY goes down to the dance floor)
TAWNY: Julie, do we have any glue back at the house?
JULIE: I think so.
TAWNY: (a realization dawns) Julie...why aren't there any guys here tonight?
JULIE: Because we rented the bar out, remember?
TAWNY: With who?
JULIE: We're having an exchange with the Mongol horde. They're so cute.
(the MONGOLS walk in)
LEON: Shit! The horde!
TAWNY: (takes JULIE by the shoulders) You sold us out.
LEON: Abe, get moving on that giant buffalo wing!
GENGHIS: So. The resistance. We meet at last.
LEON: How did you find us?
GENGHIS: You posted flyers all over the English building.
GENGHIS: Reading is fun-da-mental, Leon.
LEON: This isn't over, Genghis.
GENGHIS: Of course it isn't. We haven't smashed you yet.
(the MONGOLS advance)
LEON: Abe! Those buffalo wings!
ABE: I'm praying!
LEON: Pray harder!
GENGHIS: We've already won. Take a look around this campus. People delight in dulling their own minds. It thrills them to become slow and stupid. All they really care about is when the next big bright shiny object will come along. Well, it's here. First we control the youth culture...and then the youth grow up...and then we have the entire world. You, however, will not be in that world. Fug, smash him.
LEON: Mr. Widdles! Now!
(everyone turns and looks at the teddy bear, which does nothing, LEON grabs FUG's club. they struggle and then TAWNY leaps on FUG's back. FUG loses hold of the club)
GENGHIS: Mongol horde! Seize them!
(everyone in the bar except the freedom fighters begins to advance upon LEON and ABE. TAWNY is still wrestling with FUG. ABE grabs a pitcher of water and prays over it)
ABE: Lord make this beer please make this beer please
LEON: It's not turning brown! They won't believe it!
ABE: I have an idea! (to everyone) Look! It's warm Zima!
JULIE: (slowly) Mm. Warm zima and buffalo wings. Col-lege.
(everyone begins happily eating and drinking)
GENGHIS: (draws his own club) I'll destroy you myself.
LEON: You're welcome to try.
(the foam baseball bat battle to end all foam baseball bat battles begins. GENGHIS and LEON pound the shit out of each other for upwards of two minutes. their bats crossed, they push against each other)
GENGHIS: Yield, damn you!
(they pound on each other until both can barely stand)
LEON: (exhausted) Leave!
GENGHIS: (also exhausted) No. This will be our conquest. We will have a new empire.
LEON: Can't you just go to Canada?
GENGHIS: (confused but interested) Canada?
LEON: Yeah. North of Wisconsin. Loads of land up there. All yours.
GENGHIS: It sounds...intriguing.
LEON: You'll love it. Trees, ice, the whole deal.
GENGHIS: How do we get there?
LEON: Take I-57 north to 90-94 west...
GENGHIS: Write it down for me, will you?
LEON: Okay. (gets a napkin, writes it out) Here.
GENGHIS: If you are lying, we will be back.
LEON: I'm not. (pauses, then intensely) And you won't.
GENGHIS: Horde! We are leaving!
(everyone, including the bar patrons, begins to shuffle towards the door)
GENGHIS: (disgusted, to the non-Mongols) Not you. You stay here.
(the MONGOLS walk out. the bar patrons continue to follow them)
GENGHIS: No, seriously. Get out of here. There's no room for you. Shoo. (exits)
(LEON collapses in exhaustion. ABE looks to the sky. TAWNY comes over to LEON)
ABE: Ah, Lord, I knew it. I was right all along! The Lord loves me! (happily skips out)
TAWNY: (sipping the water) It's still water. They were just drunk enough to think it was Zima.
LEON: Leave him be.
TAWNY: What about the Canadians?
TAWNY: You know. You sent the Mongols to Canada. What are the Canadians going to do?
LEON: There are people in Canada?
(audio comes up as the lights fade)
SERENA: One last question, Fug. Is it over for good? Would you ever be willing to reunite with the horde for future projects?
FUG: Not until hell freezes over. (thinks) But Fug is very strong. He can break ice. Fug is mighty.
the mongol horde cycle by marc heiden january 1999