monster sketch

(the stage is empty, save a table that is set with a large pot, two bowls, and a salt or pepper shaker. the MAN enters)

MAN: Hi, honey, I'm home!

(the WOMAN stumbles in from offstage, dressed in a thrown-on bathrobe)

WOMAN: Oh, hello dear, I almost didn't hear you come in...
MAN: What were you doing in the bedroom?
WOMAN: I was...showering.
MAN: Okay.
WOMAN: What are you doing home so early? Didn't you say that you had to work late today?
MAN: I thought I had a problem at the office, but we...terminated it.
WOMAN: Permanently?
MAN: Yes, the new copy machine should be in tomorrow.
MAN: I hope that whatever you've been doing all afternoon hasn't kept you from getting dinner ready yet...(sits down)
WOMAN: worries there. (opens pot, begins to shake salt or pepper vigorously) I'll just give the dinner a little...spice.

(the MAN scoops out some of whatever's in the pot to his bowl)

MAN: Mm...this tastes...unique.
WOMAN: Yes, I put a special ingredient in it today.
MAN: Oh, and what's that?
WOMAN: ...oregano.
MAN: Aren't you going to have any?
WOMAN: (pushes back her chair, puts hands on her stomach) Honey, I have something important to tell you.
MAN: What is it, dear?
WOMAN: I'm...dieting. I'll have a little, though. (takes some)
MAN: Oh. I heard from Uncle Larry today.
WOMAN: Is he your one uncle who went absolutely and completely...mad?
MAN: No, Larry's the florist.
WOMAN: Oh. And how is he?
MAN: He's about to do something very, very rash.
WOMAN: What's that?
MAN: Move to Cleveland.

(they eat in silence)

MAN: I took the car in for service during my lunch break.
WOMAN: How is the car?
MAN: Well, the craziest thing happened at the muffler shop.
WOMAN: What did they do?
MAN: They...overcharged me!

(there is a scream of rage from offstage and a MONSTER comes in with a club and beats them both to death)


monster sketch by marc heiden december 1997