how mothra got his groove back
(JIM sits at a bar, talking with the BARTENDER)
JIM: It's really a sad state he's in.
BAR: You're not kidding, pal.
JIM: I feel sorry for the guy.
BAR: That kind of attitude isn't going to help him at all. He brought this upon himself.
JIM: I know, I know, but it can't be easy with a reputation like his, living up to it. I mean...he was one of the big boys.
BAR: True. Not many that were bigger.
JIM: And then to see him in a state like this...
BAR: It's not easy on any of us.
JIM: But Ray, you keep on serving him! How can you keep giving him drinks when you know he's drinking too much?
BAR: Jim, don't tell me how to do my job, okay? Don't tell me how to do my job. It's breaking my damn heart too. I've seen a thousand guys like him falling apart. I know the way it all goes down. If they don't get a drink from me, they'll just go to some other dive. They'll stumble from dive to dive until they're on a street corner with a brown paper bag. Better he gets it from me, where I can keep an eye on him and make sure he makes it back home each night.
JIM: Ray...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.
BAR: That's alright, Jim. I understand. Just so you know where I stand...
JIM: I do. You're a good friend, Ray.
BAR: Oh, shit. Here he comes.
(they both force smiles as MOTHRA, a giant monster resembling a bee, walks into the bar)
MOTHRA: Boys! What's going on?
BAR: Mothra, hey, good to see you.
JIM: Yeah, hey Mothra.
MOTHRA: (sitting down at the bar) Set 'em up, Ray.
BAR: Sure thing, Mothra.
MOTHRA: What's goin' on, Jim?
JIM: Oh, uh, not much. Kids, you know. Little Ken got in trouble at school the other day.
MOTHRA: Ah, that's the age, alright! (raising glass) Thanks, Ray. (he downs it)
JIM: So, ah, you destroy any towns lately, big guy?
MOTHRA: Of course! They don't call me the fearsome winged avenger for nothing! I swooped down upon Los Angeles...hey, Ray, I'm dry here...and I had massive crowds screaming and running all over the place, took out an entire baseball stadium...thanks, Ray (downs another glass) and they called out the National Guard...
JIM: (tense) Uh-huh...
MOTHRA: (progressively slurred) But the National Guard couldn't stop me, so there were all these Marines, and I destroyed a bunch of tanks with my stinger, see, and let me tell you about the number I did in the downtown area, I mean, hey Ray you on break or what? Let's see some drinky-drinks! So we're talking damages into the trillions...
JIM: (can't control himself anymore) Mothra, that's a load of crap!
MOTHRA: (shocked) What?
BAR: Mothra, he didn't mean anything by it, be cool...
JIM: Bullshit I didn't mean anything by it, Ray. Mothra, look at you!
MOTHRA: What the hell are you saying, Jim? I'm indestructible! I'm the Guardian of the Universe!
JIM: That's Gamera, you fucking lush! Gamera is the Real Guardian of the Universe! Listen to yourself! You don't even know what you're saying anymore!
MOTHRA: I wiped out Los Angeles...
JIM: No, you didn't. I saw it on TV earlier today and it was fine.
MOTHRA: I can wipe you out, Jim!
JIM: The tallest thing you can wipe out is a glass of beer, Mothra. You're a shadow of your former self and it's making me sick seeing you like this.
MOTHRA: I'm...I'm fine, I can control it...
JIM: Damn it, Mothra, you haven't kicked over anything larger than a fucking straw hut in months. You talk about the National Guard? You're no match for the U-C Blue Campus Patrol!
BAR: (sighs) He's right, you know.
MOTHRA: Give me another, Ray.
BAR: Mothra, you've had enough.
MOTHRA: Damn it, Ray, I said give me another!
BAR: Mothra, you've had enough. I'm cutting you off.
MOTHRA: I'll...I'll fucking destroy you...all...oh, hell. (collapses and begins to cry) You're right. Of course you're right. It's just so hard, you know?
JIM: I know, old friend. I know.
MOTHRA: (weeping) At first it was just a couple of drinks after work, you know? Megalon and I would beat the shit out of each other, level Tokyo, and then relax with a cold brewski. But pretty soon I was just going through the motions and thinking less about the wanton destruction and carnage and more about the beer...
JIM: Let it all out.
MOTHRA: They left me, you know that? The two tiny little red-haired girls who would sing the songs and awake me from the cocoon...they're gone. They know I'm all used up. They don't want to have anything to do with a useless gigantic moth has-been.
JIM: That's not true, Mothra. That's simply not true. You've got all the potential in the world if you just pull yourself together.
MOTHRA: What's the use? After a while, all the screaming faces and mangled skyscrapers blur into each other...they're thinking about replacing me with a robot, you know that?
JIM: A MechaMothra?
(a man with a box on his head, MECHAGODZILLA, walks into the bar)
MECHA: Give me a beer, puny mortal.
JIM: Hey, fuck you, MechaGodzilla!
BAR: Get lost, bucket-brain.
MECHA: Screw you, carbon-based weaklings! Your time is past!
JIM: Get lost, splitter.
(MECHAGODZILLA shoves JIM)
MECHA: You gonna make me, human?
JIM: I will if I have to, robot.
MOTHRA: Step aside, Jim.
(MOTHRA rises and steps between them)
MOTHRA: You heard the man. Leave, MechaGodzilla.
MECHAGODZILLA: Who's gonna make me? You? Some washed-up bee?
MOTHRA: I'm not a bee. I am Mothra, the Insect Avenger of Earth, and I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't stop bothering my friends.
MECHAGODZILLA: Oh yeah?
MOTHRA: Yeah. Tell the United States Government scientists that put you together. Tell Sony pictures, tell Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich, and tell everyone who'll listen. We're sick of you high-tech sellouts. Dialogue isn't meant to match lips. There's more to terrorizing humanity than getting them to pay eight dollars to see a crappy movie.
MECHAGODZILLA: Oh, and you know what that is, old moth?
MOTHRA: Yeah. It's irresponsible, crazed, indiscriminate destruction of property.
MECHAGODZILLA: We'll see about that.
MOTHRA: Meet me over Cleveland in fifteen minutes, and I'll show you how to level a city the real way.
MECHAGODZILLA: You're on.
(MECHAGODZILLA leaves. MOTHRA nods, confidently)
JIM: Mothra, are you sure you're up to this?
MOTHRA: Yes, I am, Jim. For the first time in a long time, I really think I am.
JIM: Then good luck, old friend.
(a red-haired female monster, GIGANTRA, walks into the bar)
GIGANTRA: Hi, can I use your phone?
BAR: Go right ahead.
(she begins to dial a phone, realizes that she doesn't have any change, and begins to rummage around in her pockets for it)
MOTHRA: Oh my god, is that Gigantra?
JIM: Yes, it is.
MOTHRA: She's beautiful.
JIM: And I heard she breathes atomic flame.
MOTHRA: Oh, I couldn't...
JIM: Mothra, don't be afraid. You have found her, go out and get her! Remember to let her under your skin...then you can begin to make it better.
MOTHRA: I don't think she'd even look at a moth like me.
JIM: Are you kidding, big guy? You've got that magic. You've got that destructive feeling...now it's time for some sexual healing.
(MOTHRA shyly walks up to GIGANTRA, who is just finishing her phone call)
MOTHRA: Excuse me?
MOTHRA: Hi, I'm Mothra.
GIGANTRA: (smiles) I'm Gigantra. Nice to meet you.
MOTHRA: How do you feel about Cleveland?
GIGANTRA: I think a dozen monsters should descend upon it and hold a massive battle, reducing the city to ruins.
MOTHRA: I think I like you a lot.
(GIGANTRA takes MOTHRA's hand and they walk out of the bar together)
how mothra got his groove back by marc heiden october 1998