my ninja baby
VOICE: Potted Meat educational PSA #2: Job-Related Stress Can Pose a Threat to Your Marriage. (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen, don't get so caught up in the rat race that you forget about your partner's feelings. Oh, sure, money is important. But so is caring. Remember, communication is vital in a healthy relationship. Take Allen and Louise, for example.
(ALLEN and LOUISE enter. LOUISE is searching for something. ALLEN is uneasy)
ALLEN: Louise, I don't know about this place.
LOUISE: What's wrong?
ALLEN: I don't know. I just get kind of a bad vibe, you know?
LOUISE: I thought you said you wanted to spend more time together.
ALLEN: I do, and I'm enjoying this in the sense that we're together, but...I don't know. This isn't really my scene.
LOUISE: Honey, please just try to have a good time.
ALLEN: I will. I know tonight is important to you. I just don't feel comfortable here, that's all.
LOUISE: We'll go soon. I promise.
ALLEN: So, ah, when does the party start?
LOUISE: Here we go. (pushes a button) Now!
(LOUISE moves carefully forward and ALLEN reluctantly follows. there is a GUARD)
(LOUISE swiftly dispatches him with martial arts)
LOUISE: Shh. There might be more.
ALLEN: Here we go. Another theft. Whoopee.
LOUISE: Why are you in such a pissy mood?
(another GUARD enters, and LOUISE takes him down)
ALLEN: We steal things every night. I'm tired of the same old, same old. Every night we break into a high security compound and swipe some piece of high technology...
ALLEN: And sell it to the highest bidder, because lord knows we can't change the routine. Got to be the highest bidder every time. Can't be something new, like the bidder with the tastiest pastries. No.
LOUISE: Allen, please. The other guards will hear you.
ALLEN: Let's face it, Louise. We're becoming creatures of routine.
LOUISE: Okay. This time, you get to pick the bidder. How's that sound?
ALLEN: You mean it?
LOUISE: Yes. Now shh.
ALLEN: What are we stealing tonight, anyway?
LOUISE: Here come the scientists. Keep quiet and listen.
(a SCIENTIST and a MANAGER enter)
MANAGER: Alright, Shumpert. Let's hear about your plan.
SCIENTIST: Basically, sir, what I've developed is a brand new energy source. It's incredibly powerful, and the production outlay is absolutely minimal.
MANAGER: What about the environmental effects?
SCIENTIST: One hundred percent environmentally friendly, sir.
MANAGER: You're not leading me into a Chernobyl, are you?
SCIENTIST: No, sir, I'm not.
MANAGER: Because I'm not up for another Chernobyl.
SCIENTIST: Neither am I, sir.
MANAGER: A lot of energy sources seem like good ideas, Shumpert. Then one day you wake up with a Chernobyl. So are you sure?
SCIENTIST: Positive, sir.
MANAGER: Then tell me more.
SCIENTIST: Well, sir, the best part is that it's a completely renewable energy source. It works on a self-generating closed circuit and doesn't require any fossil fuels.
MANAGER: Let's see it, then.
SCIENTIST: Alright. The first component is Dwight. Dwight?
SCIENTIST: Sir, this is Dwight. He's a triskaidekaphobic.
MANAGER: Triska-wha? He's afraid of triscuits?
SCIENTIST: No, sir. He's afraid of the number thirteen. (to DWIGHT) Thirteen, Dwight. (DWIGHT looks nervous) It's okay, Dwight. I was wrong. Twelve. (DWIGHT relaxes) It's an involuntary reaction for him.
MANAGER: So we've got to pay people to keep scaring this guy?
SCIENTIST: No, sir. That wouldn't be cost-efficient because it doesn't give off much energy and it's only a one-way energy reaction. There's more. Harriet?
SCIENTIST: Hi there, Harriet. (to MANAGER) This is Harriet. She's triskaidekaphobicphobic.
MANAGER: She's afraid...
SCIENTIST: Of fear of the number thirteen. Exactly.
MANAGER: Look at them just standing there, though. Nothing's happening.
SCIENTIST: Right. Not until we insert Manny. Manny?
MANAGER: What's he afraid of?
SCIENTIST: Oh, he's not afraid of anything.
MANAGER: So what does he do?
SCIENTIST: That man is a shithead.
(MANNY approaches DWIGHT)
MANNY: Did you hear they're making a sequel to "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"?
DWIGHT: They are?
MANNY: Yeah. Big budget, huge marketing push. It'll be the blockbuster of the decade.
MANNY: Best part is, there's gonna be six more dwarves!
DWIGHT: (thinks) Six more...to the seven they already have...oh, shit!
(DWIGHT begins freaking out. MANNY approaches HARRIET)
MANNY: Dwight's freaking out, isn't he?
HARRIET: Yeah, he is. I wonder why?
MANNY: Beats me. He was calm before he went into the break room.
HARRIET: Did someone eat the last donut?
MANNY: No, there were plenty left. A whole box, even.
(HARRIET approaches DWIGHT)
HARRIET: (nervous) Were there thirteen donuts left in the break room?
DWIGHT: Did you say thirteen?
DWIGHT: (screams) Ahh!
HARRIET: Are you afraid of me saying thirteen?
HARRIET: (screams) Ahh!
DWIGHT: Did you ask me about the number thirteen?
DWIGHT: (screams) Ahh!
(DWIGHT and HARRIET continue to trade nervous glances
and screams while MANNY stands nearby, looking satisfied)
SCIENTIST: It's a perpetual motion machine, basically, and if it ever slows down, the shithead starts it right back up.
(DWIGHT and HARRIET calm down)
MANNY: (looking at his watch) Ooh, it's Thursday the twelfth. Can't wait for tomorrow.
MANNY: T-G-I-Friday the...
(DWIGHT and HARRIET begin screaming again)
MANAGER: (adjusting tie) Sure is getting hot in here.
SCIENTIST: That's the heat being given off by the reaction in its earliest stages. Within an hour, it'll be enough to power a small city. The only thing we need to work out is how to keep the shithead cool.
MANAGER: Shumpert, this is brilliant. You've got your funding.
SCIENTIST: Thank you, sir. I...
(LOUISE leaps down and delivers a banshee howl)
SCIENTIST: Oh, no, it's a ninja!
MANAGER: Security! Security breach in sector four!
(the SECURITY TEAM enters and LOUISE begins to take them all down one by one)
ALLEN: Go get 'em, hon!
LOUISE: I will!
ALLEN: (long pause) Hey, did you see that computer system they've got over there? Looks pretty cool.
LOUISE: (fighting throughout) Mm-hmm.
ALLEN: Reminds me of the one Larry and Diane just got. Theirs was smaller, of course.
ALLEN: Hey, you know, I was reading this book. It's called "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", and I thought it might help to explain a lot about our relationship and how we're different. Because I'm a man, and I'm from Mars, see, the aggressive warrior god, and...are you even listening to me?
LOUISE: Of course I am.
ALLEN: See? This is exactly...oh, forget it.
ALLEN: No, forget it. You're too busy to talk. (pause) There's a guy behind you.
LOUISE: (spins and takes him out) I'm not ignoring you, Allen. I'm just trying to get some work done.
ALLEN: Oh, fine. I understand.
LOUISE: What are you mad about now?
ALLEN: You know, it seems like we only spend time doing your favorite things.
LOUISE: What about last night?
ALLEN: That doesn't count. You like Italian food too.
LOUISE: Not as much as you do.
ALLEN: All the same. The shithead has a sword.
(MANNY approaches with a sword)
MANNY: You have dishonored my master.
LOUISE: There is no honor for a dog such as you.
MANNY: I will unleash my fireball and punish your insolence.
LOUISE: You are no dragon. Prepare to die!
(MANNY attacks LOUISE, who dodges twice and catches the blade between her open palms on the third time. she yanks the sword away from him and it falls)
MANNY: You have disarmed me.
LOUISE: My kung-fu is mighty.
MANNY: We must fight.
(they fight and LOUISE defeats MANNY. she searches in SCIENTIST's pockets)
ALLEN: (cranky) Are you done yet?
ALLEN: "X-Files" is on in like ten minutes.
LOUISE: I'm going as fast as I can.
ALLEN: I could have taped it if I'd have known we were going to be this late.
LOUISE: Here. I've got the plans for the energy machine. We can go.
LOUISE: Dear, I'm sorry if you feel neglected. Maybe I have been spending too much time at work. How about I take next week off?
LOUISE: I mean it. Not even the sensei. Just you and me.
ALLEN: (smiles) I love my ninja baby.
(they embrace. one SECURITY guy starts to rise and LOUISE kicks him)
LOUISE: I love you too.
my ninja baby by marc heiden march 2000