no one likes a mr. grubby thumbs

VOICE: Potted Meat educational PSA #1: No One Likes a Mr. Grubby Thumbs.

(MR. GRUBBY THUMBS and a GIRL are onstage)

THUMBS: Hello. Would you like to dance with me?
GIRL: No, I most certainly would not.
THUMBS: Why?
GIRL: Your fingernails are mussy. I don't want to dance with a Mr. Grubby Thumbs.
THUMBS: Why is proper care of my fingernails important?
GIRL: There are many bad things that could happen to a Mr. Grubby Thumbs. Germs and bacteria can spread if your fingernails are unclean. Also, no job will hire a Mr. Grubby Thumbs. If you don't take pride in your appearance, how will you impress an valuable customer? It is important to develop good personal grooming habits or the economy will collapse and everyone will die from fingernail-related diseases. So clean those thumbs!
THUMBS: Gee, you're right. I'll start right away! (sucks on his thumbs)
GIRL: (shakes her head) Bolshevik.
VOICE: No one likes a Mr. Grubby Thumbs. This message has been brought to you by Potted Meat and...

(the DIRECTOR enters)

DIRECTOR: Cut!
GIRL: What?
THUMBS: Wasn't I convincing?
DIRECTOR: You were fine. I'm just not happy with the script. I don't think it gets the message across strong enough. I mean, at the end of that scene, Mr. Grubby Thumbs is probably just going to go home and keep doing the same thing he's always been doing. I don't think there's been any real change, you know? We need to make people understand that being a Mr. Grubby Thumbs is seriously fucked.
GIRL: I see your point. If my character is willing to help him out, she obviously must like him a little.
THUMBS: Are my thumbs grubby enough?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, they're fine. Let's try the restaurant scenario.

(the DIRECTOR exits and the pair sit down. MR. GRUBBY THUMBS puts on gloves)

VOICE: Potted Meat educational PSA #1: No One Likes a Mr. Grubby Thumbs, take two.
GIRL: Oh, darling, this has been such a wonderful night.
THUMBS: Only the best for you, my beautiful wife.
GIRL: I can't wait to eat this tasty meal!
THUMBS: I know! It looks delicious!
GIRL: I have a surprise for you.
THUMBS: You do? What is it?
GIRL: I'm pregnant!
THUMBS: We're going to have a baby?
GIRL: Yes!
THUMBS: Oh, boy! That's the best news I've ever heard!
GIRL: Dear?
THUMBS: Yes?
GIRL: Aren't you going to take off your gloves at the dinner table?
THUMBS: Oh, okay. (removes the gloves)
GIRL: (screams) Oh my god!
THUMBS: What?
GIRL: You're a Mr. Grubby Thumbs!
THUMBS: You knew that. It said so on the marriage license!
GIRL: I thought the name was Slovakian or something! I didn't realize...oh my god!
THUMBS: Calm down!
GIRL: Those horribly unkempt fingernails...the poor grooming habits...is that the child which I am to bear?
THUMBS: I guess...
GIRL: This is just like "Rosemary's Baby"! (falling to her knees) Take this child from my womb, Lord! I didn't know! I was deceived! I don't want to be the mother of a baby Grubby Thumbs! Have mercy upon me, Lord! Please! Please!
THUMBS: Gee.
VOICE: No one likes a Mr. Grubby Thumbs. This message has been brought to you by Potted Meat and...

(the DIRECTOR enters)

DIRECTOR: Cut!
THUMBS: What is it this time?
DIRECTOR: It's still not quite there...
GIRL: That was an Academy Award winning speech. You're not cutting it.
DIRECTOR: I'm sorry. We have to. It's still not...well, that's not exactly the message we want to send, is it? Fear and paranoia that your neighbors and even your loved ones might secretly be Mr. and Ms. Grubby Thumbs...
THUMBS: I see your point.
GIRL: Damn it.
DIRECTOR: Okay, look, we can nail it with this next take. It's almost there, and I know you two can do it.
GIRL: Can we make an energy ball?
DIRECTOR: Sure. Start us off. Start building an energy ball. Feel it there, it's just a little seed but it's building, it's getting bigger, can you feel it there?
GIRL: I can feel it!
DIRECTOR: Okay, get ready to pass it off...
GIRL: I'm ready!
DIRECTOR: Go!
THUMBS: Oof!
DIRECTOR: Who's got the energy ball?
THUMBS: I've got the energy ball!
DIRECTOR: Keep it focused! Hang on to the energy ball!
THUMBS: I'm hanging!
DIRECTOR: Is it getting big?
THUMBS: It's huge!
DIRECTOR: Alright, on the count of three, I want you to toss it in the middle and let it explode! Are you ready?
THUMBS: Ready!
DIRECTOR: One...two...
THUMBS: Oops.
GIRL: What happened?
THUMBS: I dropped it.
GIRL: Fucking hell.
THUMBS: Sorry.
GIRL: You were supposed to drop it on three!
THUMBS: Sorry.
DIRECTOR: Let's get on with the scene.

(the DIRECTOR exits. the GIRL becomes a firefighter and THUMBS exits)

VOICE: Potted Meat educational PSA #1: No One Likes a Mr. Grubby Thumbs, take three.

(MR. GRUBBY THUMBS runs in, panicked)

THUMBS: Help! My house is on fire!
GIRL: Fuck off, Mr. Grubby Thumbs.
THUMBS: You're a firefighter! You're supposed to help me!
GIRL: There are plenty of people out there with fires in their houses and good personal grooming habits. I'll wait to save one of them.
THUMBS: But my children are inside!
GIRL: Just what we need. Another generation of Grubby Thumbs.
THUMBS: But they'll die!
GIRL: Tell them to claw their way out with their horribly unkempt fingernails, you un-American fuck.
THUMBS: Hang in there, kids! I'll save you myself!

(MR. GRUBBY THUMBS runs away. the GIRL shakes her head)

GIRL: The nerve on that guy. (looks into the distance) Burn, baby, burn!
VOICE: No one likes a Mr. Grubby Thumbs. This message has been brought to you by Potted Meat and the Society for the Health and Advancement of Thumbs.


no one likes a mr. grubby thumbs by marc heiden march 2000