Conversations with the pig mask
PIG: (expectant look, finally gives up and speaks) Doesn't anyone want to know why I crossed the road?
PIG: Okay then.
VOICE: Go away, you freak!
PIG: Come now, good man, hath a half-man half-pig not eyes that see and feel nature's fury as clearly as thine own? If you prick me, do I not bleed?
VOICE: If you don't shut up, I'm gonna take this axe and find out the answer to that question!
PIG: But...what is a man? Do I not breathe? Do I not love?
VOICE: Of course you don't love. What woman could ever love a hideous genetic mutation like you?
PIG: Thou hast destroyed me, sir.
PIG: And she says, "Damn, baby! You're as dry as you were the moment we started this lovemaking session!" And I'm all "Well, actually I'm incapable of sweating, sweet one." And she goes "Why's that? Some new anti-persipirant or something?" So I'm like, "No, because I don't have any sweat glands." And then she says "Well, why not?" And I said "Because pigs aren't born with any."
VOICE: What happened next?
PIG: Aww, she got all freaked out and started saying stuff like "Oh my god you're a pig you sick bastard I can't believe this" and kicked me out. Man, bitches be drivin' me nuts.
PIG: Nobody knows the trouble I seen.
VOICE: I bet I do.
PIG: I doubt it.
VOICE: Try me.
PIG: Well, being a freakish half-man half-pig, it's against the law for me to masturbate because technically it counts as beastiality.
VOICE: You're sick.
VOICE: Why don't you tell us, in your own words, why you think that you're qualified for this job?
PIG: I have a masters degree in the field from the University of Illinois where I graduated with honors. I have strong people skills, am a great team-worker and will dedicate my every moment to helping the company become a leader in the industry.
VOICE: That's all fine and good, but what about your habit of rolling around in mud and sometimes your own feces when it gets hot?
PIG: Um...well, see, my sweat glands, they...
VOICE: Oh, go home already you freak.
PIG: Hey, you know, I don't think that eating bacon is right. I mean, that's like eating part of me.
VOICE: Yeah, well, I don't think that abominations of nature are right, but there you are so don't go badmouthing my damn bacon cheeseburger.
PIG: I went to a show tonight.
VOICE: Did you enjoy it?
PIG: It was alright. It was about what I expected it to be. Not bad.
VOICE: Then why are you so glum?
PIG: I was feeling really creative during the show. Something about the cast's energy got me going, had me thinking of shows that I wanted to do. But now I can't remember any of the ideas I had.
PIG: The really annoying part is that the same dumb pop song was stuck in my head before the show and after the show. I can remember the tune, but not the ideas.
VOICE: So the tune is kind of a block, huh?
PIG: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
VOICE: I know exactly how that is.
PIG: Really? Do you have a song that's stuck in your head?
VOICE: No. I just can't stop thinking about what a hideous, monstrous freak you are.