it is wrong to secede from the united states
VOICE: Potted Meat educational PSA #3: It Is Wrong to Secede From the United States.
(DANNY is sitting, reading a book. his room is a mess: shirts, silverware, and magazines are strewn about. he looks at his watch, rises, and tosses the book into the pile)
VOICE: Danny is a teenager. As you can see, his room is quite a mess.
DANNY: So long, Mom! I'm going to the sock hop!
MOM: Oh, no you're not, young man.
DANNY: Aww, gee, Mom, why not?
MOM: Your room is a mess. Magazines and clothes everywhere...
DANNY: I was going to clean it! I just didn't have time!
MOM: Don't you interrupt me, buster.
DANNY: When did I interrupt you?
MOM: When I said "magazines and clothes everywhere".
DANNY: I thought you were done speaking.
MOM: The sentence "magazines and clothes everywhere" does not have a verb. It has two subjects, and it establishes where the action may take place, but it does not say what that action is. You know perfectly well that sentences must have verbs, and therefore my sentence was not over.
DANNY: I thought the present tense indicative verb "are" was implied...
MOM: Don't you contradict me either. You're not going to the sock hop, and that's that!
(MOM exits. DANNY mopes)
VOICE: Danny is feeling pretty low.
DANNY: Mom never lets me have any fun. She always yells at me since Dad eloped with the paperboy.
(the DIRECTOR enters)
DIRECTOR: Whoa, there! Take two.
(the DIRECTOR exits)
DANNY: She always yells at me since Dad left on that business trip.
VOICE: Uh oh, here comes trouble. Danny sneaks out of his room and heads over to the bad side of town.
(DANNY walks over to the other side of the stage, where MR. SHADY waits)
DANNY: Hi, Mr. Shady.
SHADY: Danny! How you doing?
VOICE: Mr. Shady is a bad influence on all the neighborohood kids. He pushes his evil ideas and grammatically incorrect sentences on unsuspecting innocent people.
DANNY: I'm not too good.
SHADY: What's that? Mr. Shady can't understand you.
DANNY: Oh. (smiles) I ain't too good.
SHADY: That's better. What's got you down, Danny?
DANNY: Aww, my mom's being a nag about cleaning my room.
SHADY: Well, if that don't beat all. Let Mr. Shady tell you something, pal. Parents are a pain.
DANNY: They sure are.
SHADY: Now, Mr. Shady is your friend.
VOICE: Mr. Shady is not Danny's friend.
SHADY: And Mr. Shady wants to help out.
SHADY: Got any cash on you?
DANNY: Just my lunch money for tomorrow.
SHADY: Well, Danny, Mr. Shady could sell you some prime Mary Jane or some Horse...but since you're such a cool kid, Mr. Shady's going to sell you something more powerful: an idea.
DANNY: (handing it over) Here you go.
SHADY: You should do what all the beatniks and groove people are doing. You should secede from the United States.
DANNY: (shocked) Secede from the United States?
SHADY: All the hot kids and sexy chicks are into it. It's the latest craze.
SHADY: Only squares are still part of the Union. You don't want to be a square, do you?
DANNY: Well, no, but I...
SHADY: It's cool to secede from the United States. Mr. Shady thought you were cool, Danny. Was Mr. Shady wrong?
DANNY: No, but...
SHADY: Then say it loud and say it proud.
DANNY: Well...(pauses) Oh, what the heck. I secede from the United States!
VOICE: Danny had done a terrible, terrible thing. The United States is the best country in the world, and it is every citizen's patriotic duty to support the Union. Having made his big mistake, Danny returned home.
(the ambassador from HUNGARY is sitting in the room)
DANNY: Hey, who are you?
HUNGARY: (stands up, holds out his hand) Hi there. I'm the Ambassador from Hungary.
DANNY: What are you doing in my room?
HUNGARY: I've been assigned to your country for diplomatic relations.
DANNY: My country?!?
HUNGARY: Well, you did secede from the United States, didn't you?
DANNY: Yeah, I guess...
HUNGARY: So where's my embassy?
DANNY: Um. Over by those socks.
(HUNGARY sits over by the socks)
HUNGARY: So what is this new country called?
DANNY: It's not a country. It's my room.
HUNGARY: Your room. Hm. That's a good name, I suppose.
DANNY: Go away.
HUNGARY: I can't. Are there any citizens in your room?
DANNY: I've got a teddy bear.
HUNGARY: What's his name?
DANNY: Mr. Widdles.
HUNGARY: Mm. Well, he seems happy. (after a pause) Do you have anything to read?
MOM: Danny, is your room clean yet? (shrieks) Who is that man?
DANNY: There's something I should tell you, Mom.
HUNGARY: (rises) Hi, ma'am. I'm the ambassador from Hungary.
DANNY: I seceded from the United States.
MOM: You didn't.
DANNY: I did.
MOM: (to HUNGARY) I suppose you'll be wanting dinner too?
HUNGARY: Ooh. Yum.
(MOM and HUNGARY exit)
VOICE: When Danny came home from school the next day, there was more trouble a-foot.
(DANNY exits and returns with his backpack. HUNGARY is reading a magazine.
the ambassador from BRITAIN is sitting nearby)
HUNGARY: Hi, Danny.
DANNY: Hello, ambassador from Hungary.
HUNGARY: This is the ambassador from Britain.
HUNGARY: The American ambassador went over the border for some chicken. He said he'd be right back.
MOM: (from offstage) Danny, is that you?
DANNY: Yeah, Mom.
(MOM enters with LOUISE, a French girl)
MOM: Danny, this girl says my cat Fluffy got sent to Germany as part of an exchange program. Do you know anything about that?
MOM: Well, get my cat back from Germany or you're grounded.
DANNY: Yes, Mom.
DANNY: (to LOUISE) Who are you?
LOUISE: My name is Louise. I am an exchange student from France.
DANNY: I have to have exchange students?
LOUISE: My people want to learn all about the beauty of your culture.
DANNY: I don't have a culture.
LOUISE: Where are all your paintings and folk songs?
DANNY: On my Mom's refrigerator.
(the ambassador from the USA enters. he is wearing a
cowboy hat and talks with a broad Texan accent)
USA: Howdy! I'm the American ambassador! Are you El Presidente?
DANNY: I guess.
USA: Let me just say that I am pleased as peach to be here in your fine country. I got to say, though, I'm going to need an embassy far away from that limey bastard over there.
BRITAIN: Oh, relax, you savage barbarian.
USA: Yeah, how's the Queen, you tea-drinking pantywaist?
BRITAIN: Don't you insult our Queen mother!
DANNY: Okay, both of you just calm down! American Ambassador, you can sit over there (pointing) and Ambassador from Britain (pointing) you can sit over there. It's fine.
(USA and BRITAIN sit down)
HUNGARY: Do we have an currency in this country?
BRITAIN: We need currency.
DANNY: Um, just use my socks.
BRITAIN: Right. How much for some chicken?
USA: Four socks.
BRITAIN: (handing them over) Done.
(DANNY picks up his teddy bear MR. WIDDLES and walks to the edge of the stage)
DANNY: This is all getting so crazy. Mr. Widdles, I don't know if I'm cut out to be president of a country. Do you want to be my vice-president? Cool! You're my best friend.
VOICE: Next day, the troubles continued to mount.
LOUISE: How was your day, Mr. President?
DANNY: Aww, gee. My teacher yelled at me because I was late.
LOUISE: Why were you late?
DANNY: All the foreign dignitaries wanted to use the shower before me.
MOM: (from offstage) Danny, the fridge is empty!
DANNY: Who ate all the food?
BRITAIN: I merely pipped some crackers.
USA: I do believe I was the one who ate the can of butter.
MOM: (from offstage) Danny, I need to make dinner. Go next door and borrow a cup of milk.
DANNY: I can't, Mom.
MOM: (entering) Why not?
DANNY: The American ambassador says there's a trade embargo on me.
MOM: (to USA) Why did you legislate a trade embargo on my son?
USA: His country has rampant drug problems.
MOM: (to DANNY) Is that true?
USA: One-third of the citizens of his country are on drugs.
(MR. SHADY enters)
MOM: Danny, I want that man deported.
DANNY: But Mom, he's my friend!
MOM: Now, Danny!
DANNY: Sorry, Mr. Shady, but I've got to deport you now.
LOUISE: I am going with him! I love him!
SHADY: Come on, little girl. Let Mr. Shady show you the bad side of town.
(MR. SHADY and LOUISE exit)
DANNY: How can I be a good country if I don't have any citizens besides me and Mr. Widdles?
MOM: That's just tough, Danny.
BRITAIN: So who is this "Mom" person, Danny? Is she a legislative body?
DANNY: Don't talk dirty about my Mom!
BRITAIN: No, no, I'm asking if she has veto power over all your actions as President.
DANNY: Oh. Yeah. I guess.
MOM: (from offstage) Danny, there's a phone call.
DANNY: I'm not allowed to cross the international border to pick up the phone, Mom.
MOM: (from offstage) The Papua New Guineans want to know if their ambassador arrived.
DANNY: I don't know. I don't see him...
MOM: (from offstage) Well, clean up a bit!
(DANNY rummages around the room, reaches offstage,
and pulls out the ambassador from PAPUA NEW GUINEA)
DANNY: Here he is, Mom! (to PAPUA) Make yourself at home.
VOICE: And the next day...disaster struck.
DANNY: Has anyone seen the ambassador from Hungary? He's been gone an awful long time.
BRITAIN: Um, right, well, I didn't want to say anything...
USA: Heh heh.
(the ambassador from HUNGARY enters with lipstick on his cheek)
HUNGARY: Uh, hi.
DANNY: Where have you been?
MOM: Get back here, you Hungarian animal...oh! Danny!
HUNGARY: We have something to tell you, Danny.
DANNY: Oh, no.
BRITAIN: That's what you get for having a hot mom, Danny.
USA: Our legislature ain't half as sexy.
DANNY: You can't do this! I'm passing a law against you romancing my mom! Mr. Widdles, do you vote for it? (pauses) He does! It's passed!
HUNGARY: Actually, I have diplomatic immunity. I can romance your mother if I feel it's in the interest of international relations. (to MOM) Come on, baby. Let's negotiate.
MOM: Bye, Danny. Be in bed by ten.
(MOM and HUNGARY exit)
DANNY: Darn it.
BRITAIN: Sorry, sport.
DANNY: Oh, it's okay.
(there is the sound of a helicopter and troops outside. USA takes out a gun)
DANNY: What's going on?
USA: Ah. The soldiers are here. I'm sorry, Danny, but we're holding a coup.
USA: Spies report that you may have nuclear capability.
DANNY: (looking around) Okay, who told him that? (everyone shrugs) It's not true!
USA: You're going to have to leave now, Danny. We're installing a military junta in your room.
DANNY: A junta?
USA: Come on. Time to roll.
DANNY: Can I take Mr. Widdles?
USA: Nope. You're going into exile but we're closing the borders.
DANNY: But he's my best friend!
USA: No can do. Get a move on, exile-boy.
DANNY: (tearful) Bye, everyone.
BRITAIN: Bye, Danny.
(DANNY starts to walk away. PAPUA NEW GUINEA
grabs MR. WIDDLES and throws him to DANNY)
PAPUA: Run, Danny! Run for the border!
DANNY: Thanks, ambassador from Papua New Guinea! Come on, Mr. Widdles!
USA: Stop him!
USA: Ah, he's over the border. (to PAPUA NEW GUINEA) Shithead.
PAPUA: We Papua New Guineans will not tolerate your tyranny.
USA: Aren't you just the noblest little islander.
VOICE: Danny and Mr. Widdles made it out, but they sure learned their lesson.
DANNY: (voice only) I sure did. You shouldn't try to take an active role in foreign policy decisions. Government is big and confusing. It's not for kids like me.
VOICE: That's right, Danny. Whatever the other kids tell you, it's not cool. It's wrong to secede from the United States. This message has been brought to you by Potted Meat and someone else.
it is wrong to secede from the united states by marc heiden march 2000