the sound of one girl falling
(in blackout a voice yells)
VOICE: There's a woman on the ledge of that building and she's going to jump!
(lights go up. a girl, JUDY, stands on a ledge. excited on-lookers stand in front of the stage, backs to the audience, and call to her)
JUDY: Don't come any closer! I'll jump!
BYSTANDER1: Wow! She's going to kill herself!
BYSTANDER2: I can't believe it!
BYSTANDER1: Oh my god!
BYSTANDER2: This is amazing!
BYSTANDER1: Hey, lady, are you going to kill yourself?
JUDY: I've had enough of this! I'll jump! I'll do it!
BYSTANDER2: Not everyday you see something like this!
BYSTANDER1: I can't believe it!
BYSTANDER2: Oh no! How horrifying!
BYSTANDER1: Terrifying! Oh my god!
BYSTANDER2: I hope she doesn't land on me!
COP: (arrives, speaks to JUDY) Alright, stay calm, ma'am...
JUDY: Don't tell me what to do! I'll be calm if I want to and I don't want to!
COP: (to everyone else) Move along, come on, move along, get moving! Nothing to see here, nothing to see...
MAN: Except that deranged chick.
COP: Well, yeah, her. But move along anyway.
(others leave reluctantly, but the MAN stands still. the COP pushes him)
COP: Didn't you hear what I said? I said move it, so move it!
MAN: No way! What if she takes off her clothes?
COP: What if?
MAN: Well, be fair. That affects whether or not I bother to try resisting arrest so that I can stay around and watch.
COP: Fair enough. I'll check. (to JUDY) Excuse me, are you planning on taking off your clothes?
JUDY: No. Why would you ask a thing like that?
COP: He (pointing at the MAN) wanted to know.
JUDY: What kind of a weirdo are you?
MAN: It's not all that strange of an assumption.
JUDY: It is too! Why would I just take my clothes off for you?
MAN: Crazy people do that sort of thing. You know, getting naked for no reason all of a sudden.
JUDY: I'm not crazy!
MAN: You are up on the ledge of that building threatening to kill yourself.
MAN: So that's crazy! Life is a beautiful choice!
JUDY: Maybe I have a good reason for being up here!
MAN: (to COP) Hey, you know the law. Is she crazy or not?
COP: (to MAN) My focus is actually in illegal transportation of exotic animals. If she were a silverback monkey, she could be considered highly zany and dangerously wacky up on that ledge but crazy remains to be seen.
MAN: Look, will you at least consider it?
MAN: If you're going to kill yourself, I think you're really being very selfish by insisting on not being naked when you do it. Because, you know, what do you care? You're going to be dead and all.
JUDY: I have no interest in listening to your blather. I'm in control here and I want you all to shut up!
COP: (to MAN) Well?
MAN: (to COP) I think she's considering it. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to resist arrest.
COP: (to MAN) Right. You're not going to bite or anything, are you?
MAN: (to COP) No, don't worry. I'll probably just kick and curse your mother.
COP: (to MAN) How about my sister? I don't like her very much.
MAN: (to COP) That'll do.
(the COP grabs hold of him and begins to drag him away. the MAN resists)
MAN: Screw you, pig! And screw your sister too! She's a whore! And she sucks! And...
(STANFORD BRONSON, a well-dressed officious man, enters)
STANFORD: Easy there, pal. I'm Stanford Bronson, crisis negotiator, and I'm in charge here now.
COP: Hello. He was just resisting arrest. We'll be done in a second.
MAN: Hey, just so you know, she said she's going to get naked soon.
STANFORD: Thanks, son, I'll take that into account.
(the MAN and the COP continue fighting as the COP drags him offstage. STANFORD calls to JUDY)
JUDY: Stay back! I'll jump! I'll do it!
STANFORD: Hi there! How are you feeling?
JUDY: Like shit!
STANFORD: Please, ma'am! Watch your language!
STANFORD: Well, if you slip and fall all of a sudden, wouldn't it just be terrible to have to tell the newspapers that your final words were of excrement?
JUDY: What the hell do I care? I'll be dead!
STANFORD: Nobody's going to be dying here today, ma'am. I'm Stanford Bronson, crisis negotiator, and I'm in charge here. What's your name?
STANFORD: Good. That's a nice name. And why are you considering suicide today?
JUDY: That's none of your business.
STANFORD: Little miss, I'll have you know that I'm the finest crisis negotiator in this city and I plan to make it my business.
JUDY: I don't care! I'm going to jump!
STANFORD: No, you're not. I assure you, no reason is good enough to let the precious gift of life slip away.
JUDY: You have no idea why I'm up here so shut up!
STANFORD: I see a dozen cases like yours each week, Judy. You may think that no one understands what's going on, but I do. We all struggle. We all have problems. And suicide is never the answer.
JUDY: I don't know...I'm just so sick of all this...
STANFORD: You don't need to tell me, Judy. I know exactly how you feel.
JUDY: You do?
STANFORD: Sure. You're a girl...(thinking) So you're probably all mad because you can't get any new clothes, right?
STANFORD: Because if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that girls love shopping. Just gets them all happy as a three-legged antelope with sunglasses and a salt lick.
JUDY: You think I'd kill myself over that?
STANFORD: Come on, girlie. Come on down and I'll buy you some chocolates.
JUDY: Fuck you!
STANFORD: Mm...yummy...yummy in your tum-tum-tummy...
JUDY: Go to hell!
(the COP returns. STANFORD turns to him and shrugs)
STANFORD: This one's a tough nut to crack.
COP: Hey, she's still clothed. (calls up to JUDY) Hey, you're still clothed! Is there something wrong?
JUDY: Yes, there's something wrong! I want to kill myself!
COP: Besides that?
JUDY: What else is there besides that?
STANFORD: (to COP) Well, I figure if it's not the shopping, it's probably the boyfriend. You know how a little missus gets without her guy.
COP: (nods) Ahh...
STANFORD: And she doesn't look like one of those fat lesbian chicks, so I figure she's got a guy and the guy went and broke her heart and watched a football game and didn't give her a kiss or something.
COP: (nods) That would explain the naked thing. She probably doesn't want to make her boyfriend mad by getting naked up there.
STANFORD: Right. But since I don't know her name, I couldn't find out who her boyfriend is. So I had to recruit one. I'm sending him up there now.
JUDY: What? Don't you dare come up here! Damn it, this is my suicide attempt! I get to choose what happens! I am in control! I...
(LORENZO LAMAS crawls nervously out on the ledge with her. he wears a leather jacket, a tight white tshirt that reveals a fair amount of chest hair, and has long flowing black hair. he moves towards her)
JUDY: Who the hell are you?
LORENZO: Hi, I'm Lorenzo Lamas of TV's Renegade. I hear there is a pretty miss up here who is about to make a very wrong choice.
JUDY: Oh, I am, am I?
LORENZO: It is never the right thing to jump, unless you are doing it on a motorcycle and you are riding with your tender arms wrapped around my muscular torso.
JUDY: Please stay away from me. Far away.
LORENZO: Are you falling on rough times? I have been there too. I remember one time that I rode into a town and a gang of bikers was harassing the old saloon owner. His pretty daughter showed a lot of sass but these bikers were very tough and because the sheriff was corrupt, I did not know what I was going to do.
JUDY: That's too bad. Goodbye.
LORENZO: But you know what? Because I believed in myself, within one hour I had defeated those bikers with a clever trap and laid that pretty daughter out.
JUDY: That's your solution? Laying the pretty daughter out?
LORENZO: No. It is to believe in yourself, and then you will get to lay the pretty daughter out.
JUDY: That's great.
LORENZO: You have to want to live. Do you not want to live? Look at all of this! Look at me and my tough yet sensitive good looks.
JUDY: Okay. You can go now.
LORENZO: No jumping for you?
JUDY: No jumping.
LORENZO: Okay. (to below) Stanford! I am done now!
(LORENZO LAMAS stumbles as he tries to leave and falls dramatically off the ledge. he lies dead and others crowed around)
COP: Oh my god! He's dead!
STANFORD: Lorenzo Lamas of TV's Renegade is no more!
COP: Somebody call an ambulance!
STANFORD: Somebody call Lou Diamond Phillips!
(the ARCHITECT arrives)
ARCHITECT: (calls up to JUDY) Excuse me, if you're just going to hang around up there, could you please move over to the left a little? You're off-center.
JUDY: (sighs) No, I was just leaving. I'll find another ledge.
STANFORD: (impassioned) Lorenzo! Live, Lorenzo! LIVE!
the sound of one girl falling by marc heiden september 1998