tamagotchi sketch (aka william shakespeare's "jurassic park 2 the lost world")
(two people are walking across the stage - BILLY and his friend. as they talk, they stop near the halfway point of the stage)
BILLY: Man, that test sucked!
FRIEND: Oh, yeah, it bit!
BILLY: That test was awful...
FRIEND: It was terrible.
BILLY: I mean, it was so hard...
FRIEND: That professor is a cold, merciless man.
BILLY: Like none of that stuff was in the text!
FRIEND: None of it at all!
BILLY: Not a single page on it!
FRIEND: Conceptually, most of the pages of the text were diametrically opposed to the shit on that exam!
BILLY: And I studied my ass off for it!
FRIEND: I studied so hard that I lost all feeling in the left side of my body!
BILLY: Man, I've been studying for that exam since last week!
FRIEND: Man, I was studying for that exam before I even registered for the class!
BILLY: What a thoroughly shitty experience, man.
FRIEND: A completely unredeemable psychological massacre.
BILLY: I tell you, I could not possibly have been more screwed on that exam!
FRIEND: Unless you consider the degree to which that exam gave it to me up the ass!
BILLY: I am in pain.
FRIEND: Mental pain.
BILLY: Pain all over.
FRIEND: Pain deep down in my soul.
BILLY: That shit sucked, my brother.
FRIEND: How can we go on?
BILLY: I don't know, I don't know.
FRIEND: Although you have to admit, no one ever said that Hotel Management was going to be easy.
BILLY: Yeah, I guess. Well, I gotta get inside. I'll see you on Monday.
FRIEND: Alright. Later.
(FRIEND walks off in one direction, BILLY in another - towards a table and a chair.)
BILLY: Oh, shit, it's about time for a feeding. Bippy? Bippy? Hey, where are you, little guy?
(BILLY gets down on his hands and knees and starts searching for something very small. his roommate walks up behind him, something obviously on his or her mind)
BILLY: Hey, have you seen my Tamagotchi?
ROOMMATE: No, I didn't take him.
BILLY: Oh no, I hope he didn't get lost...criminy, little Bippy doesn't know how to take care of himself...
ROOMMATE: Well, um, there's someone here to see you, kind of about that, Billy.
BILLY: There is?
(a MAN IN A SUIT enters. the ROOMMATE leaves)
SUIT: Hello. Are you Billy?
BILLY: Yes, and who are you?
SUIT: My name is unimportant, but it's Mobert if you must know.
SUIT: We're not here to talk about Mobert, Billy. We're here to talk about Bippy.
BILLY: (relieved) Do you know where he is?
SUIT: Yes, I know where he is, Billy. Somewhere safe.
BILLY: (senses that something is wrong) What happened to Bippy?
SUIT: Billy, I am from the A.R.F. We're a newly-formed branch of the American government that is concerned with the welfare of digital pets everywhere. Even those cheap knock-off ones that you see in the checkout lines of Jewel that aren't designed to last more than a week. In fact, it's those ones that need us most.
BILLY: But what does this have to do with Bippy?
SUIT: This has everything to do with Bippy. Even name-brand digital pets like your Tamagotchi need loving care and attention.
BILLY: But I...
SUIT: (interrupts sharply) Billy, when was the last time you pressed the "feed" button?
SUIT: And when was the last time you played the game where you guessed whether the Tamagotchi was going to move to the left of the screen or to the right?
BILLY: Well...that is, I...
SUIT: Mm-hmm. That's precisely what I thought. Moreover, that's precisely what Bippy itself told me.
BILLY: Bippy told you?
SUIT: Yes, he did. Look. You're obviously under a lot of academic-related stress. Most Agriculture students are.
BILLY: I did just have a big test...
SUIT: A "big" test, Billy? Or was it a MOOOOONNNNSTER TEST! THE THUNDER HALL FINALS! ONE DAY ONLY! THE MONSTERS OF ACADEMIA ROAM THE EARTH! THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS PAYS FOR REGISTRATION IN THE WHOLE CLASS BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDDDDDGGGGE!!!!!!!!!
BILLY: Yeah, something like that.
SUIT: When you take that little Tamagotchi out from underneath the plastic, you're making a commitment. Most people don't think of it in those terms, but they need start doing so. This is a new, unexplored emotional realm that we're in here, beyond every kind of relationship previously held by human beings. Oh, they rhapsodize endlessly about the love of a man and a woman, or the love of a boy and his dog, but the love of a college student and his tiny plastic digital pet is uncharted territory.
BILLY: Well, yeah, I guess it is.
SUIT: Billy, right now you and Bippy need some time apart from each other while you deal with those commitment issues. I want you to call these people (handing BILLY a card). They'll help you. And when you're ready, little Bippy will be waiting with open computer-generated arms.
BILLY: (confused) This card is for a Rod Stewart support group!
SUIT: (surprised) Oh, sorry, I gave you the wrong one. (takes the card, hands BILLY another one) I represent digital pets of every concern. My next stop is to have a talk with a guy who sings "Downtown Train" when he's playing with his Tamagotchi.
BILLY: Wow, what a sicko.
SUIT: I hope you'll give some serious thought to what we talked about, Billy.
(MAN IN A SUIT leaves. BILLY looks at the card)
BILLY: The group meets on Tuesday nights? That's when "Buffy"'s on! Fuck that!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, "fuck that"! Do you have the Tamagotchi blues? Think that the little bugger's getting too big for its britches? Well, we have the thing from you! New from Mattel, it's the TamaGOTHi!
(a GOTH KID shuffles out onstage. he's dressed in all black clothes - a tight black shirt and either black jeans or black vinyl pants - has dark painted fingernails, black eyeliner, etc. he slouches in the corner)
ANNOUNCER: This little teen's had an oppressive wealthy suburban upbringing and he's had just about enough of it! Tamagothis are limitless fountains of fun and social alienation! Want to hear some reflections upon the pain of human existence? Just press the "poetry" button!
Through the window,
black is the night.
Just like the darkness in my soul,
but that doesn't make it right.
How can I live,
live without my innocence.
The uncaring world feels only hatred,
and attack me day and night with their...oh, fuck, what rhymes with "hatred"? God damn it! God damn it all!
ANNOUNCER: No need to press any "feed" buttons! The Tamagothi takes pride in his underfed, waif-ish look! And he sure doesn't want to play! He can't stand you and he's got a million different song lyrics to explan why!
GOTH: Fuck you! Head like a hole! I'd rather die than give you control!
ANNOUNCER: Be careful, though, if you don't tell him that it's wrong to be different, he might grow up to be a wealthy computer engineer! And they're no fun at all. But just press the "I Don't Understand You" button regularly and watch the sparks fly!
GOTH: Hey! Fuck you! Marilyn Manson is not a shitty, mediocre, derivative musician who masks his lack of actual revolutionary substance with pointless shock value and cliches designed specifically to appeal to complacent teenagers who are ridden with a vague unspecific angst! He speaks to me!
ANNOUNCER: New, from Mattel...the Tamagothi! Get yours today!
tamagotchi sketch (aka william shakespeare's "jurassic park 2 the lost world") by marc heiden february 1998