the thought processes of stupid people
(this can be done with as many people as you want. a jazz number is playing. people are continually walking across the stage. seemingly at random, one at a time steps forward to deliver a line and then returns to the background. when an actor has delivered all of their lines, they should freeze into a contemplative pose at the front of the stage)
VOICE: We see them every day in nature, walking to and fro. The moron. It lives happily in its native environment, surviving and thriving like so many bacteria. What drives the cretin? What makes the jackass do the things it does? To answer these questions, Potted Meat takes you on a journey inside the mind of the blithering idiot. Presenting: the thought processes of stupid people.
MAN: (intense) I wear lots of dark clothing so people will know how intense I am.
WOMAN: (shivering) I know it's five degrees below zero, but if I wear any clothes out to the bars, none of the good guys will want to have a meaningful relationship with me.
MAN: (slurred) I get really good at subtlety when I've had a lot to drink. Girls don't notice me coming on to them at all. I'm so smooth.
WOMAN: If I tell him that it's not him, it's me and that I just need to be single for awhile, he won't feel bad when I dump him.
MAN: Women. (pauses, nods) Yep.
WOMAN: Perhaps that new Meg Ryan movie will feature some striking innovations in the form of the romantic comedy.
MAN: I like to go to Rentertainment and rent art-y foreign movies so maybe the clerk will think I'm smart and let me bang her.
M/W: People love to hear me repeat lines from movies. It's just as funny as the real thing!
MAN: If I go to an improv show and make a really wacky suggestion, people will think I'm just as funny as the performers!
M/W: It's so wacky and ironic when my acapella group sings TV show theme songs and cheesy hits from the seventies. We're so clever!
MAN: I've been shooting hoops on the basket above my parents' garage ever since I was a little kid. Some day I'll join the ranks of all the other short white guys from the suburbs in the NBA!
M/W: Whenever I'm at McDonald's, I make sure to grab two handfuls of ketchup packets and thirty napkins when I get my food. I never use them, but what if there's a shortage?
M/W: (aloof) If I use the word "post-modern" in conversation a lot, people will think I'm an intellectual.
M/W: Ooh. He said "post-modern". He must have studied a lot.
M/W: (paranoid) Come here...get my engineering degree...get out.
M/W: (blank) Liberal arts major? What's that good for?
MAN: (snotty) Homeless people should just get jobs like I did. At my father's company.
WOMAN: If I sleep with my boss to advance in the company, he'll start respecting me as a person after I get promoted.
MAN: Hunting with a bow-and-arrow instead of a gun shows more respect for the animals. The animal really appreciates that when it's twisting around with an arrow through its brain.
M/W: It's okay to drive during the winter when you've had a little to drink. Icy roads cancel out drunkenness!
MAN: Plowing roads and shoveling sidewalks is useless. My thirty years of experience with the Champaign public works department have taught me that the snow just comes back eventually, so why bother?
M/W: So I was eating at that new no-fat vegan restaurant the other day, drinking some bottled spring water and smoking a cigarette...
MAN: That man on TV is good-looking, successful, and happy. Women flock to him. Perhaps if I purchase the product he is holding, I could share in his joy.
M/W: When I'm crossing in the middle of the street, I make sure to walk behind the cars that are backing into parking spots. It's my way of saying "Hello! Welcome!"
MAN: Sixteen dollars for the Grateful Dead CD and twenty dollars for the weed that'll make it sound good. Doesn't sound like such a bad bargain.
M/W: If I pretend I'm just scratching my nose, people won't notice when I eat my boogers.
MAN: Drinkin' some beer...hangin' with my pals...the only way to commemorate a moment like this is to put six Led Zeppelin songs on the jukebox. (satisfied) Yeah!
the thought processes of stupid people by marc heiden january 1999