Polls indicate that Americans love advice even more than they love polls. But the advice seeker may have to look far and wide for fulfillment! Why is it so hard to find? For one reason: most people have no advice to give.
The crew of What Jail Is Like do their best to bilge the foundering vessels of their fans. They selflessly devote part of each show to helping those in need. But even they can't go far enough! For one -- they are only a trinity, and their fans are legion. For two -- the people who ask for help are the ones who need it least. For every vegetable who asks for help, there are a hundred minerals too dumb to know they need help at all. Stones in God's Zen rock garden, if you will.
This article represents an attempt to fill that vast unacknowledged need. Most people are drops in a sea of Flubber, jellylike blobs waiting for someone of experience to give them form. (And if you don't think you're "most people", think again. We saw you in line for Wild Wild West. Twice. For the full-price show.)
So onward! The intestinal flora of this article are just waiting to swarm over the pork rinds of your problems -- and turn them into rich dark fertilizer.
Square One: Dating
As you enter puberty (or if you've just escaped from the attic), new horizons are opening to you. Questions arise, ones you never would have thought of before. Questions like "Can anyone see the real me?" and "If not, can I cop a feel without anyone noticing?"
Unfortunately the answer to both is "No". This is a complicated world -- a forbidding and even frightening forest full of herbivores, rodents, and wood. There -- what was that noise? You don't know and no one will tell you. But you made that noise, and everybody's laughing.
But not to worry! With our help, you can impose a gridwork of common sense on your world of sexual disorder. You can stride confidently into the forbidden forest and prune the trees, trim the tangled underbrush, maybe give it a nice tattoo -- nothing fancy.
Want to meet new people? Using these tips, you can insure that each of your dates is with a different person!
And so ends our modest effort to grant you competence and well-being. Until next time -- God bless, and buy Microsoft!
- If you're skin and bones, no one will put you on a pedestal. After all -- you might fall off and break! So if you want to be worshiped and adored, set a goal to be soft and bouncy. Hire Kevin Spacey to come over with a dumptruck full of pasta and force-feed you. In no time the honeys will be gazing up at you in awe.
- Environment is important. Don't live in a small town. If you do, you will be held responsible for the lack of excitement. "Another date at the Gnaw 'n' Paw? You loser -- I'll go find someone more interesting to -- to take me there!"
- If you must live in a small town -- be close to a metropolitan area with a business district of two square blocks. On dates, drive there and circle the business district. Pretend it's a merry-go-round. Lick an imaginary ice-cream cone, and explain that this is what you mean by "riding the wild horsie".
- If it's beauty you're worried about, remember that men and women alike are bewitched by smooth babylike skin. Find some baby skin that no one is using -- Hunnish fabric stores normally carry it at a reasonable per-yard rate -- and sew yourself an outfit. And for almost no money you can string together a necklace of your own teeth.
- Everyone likes a person who can take charge. Whenever you stop at a convenience store, conk the manager and don his smock and nametag. Tell whoever's on shift to get started stocking that Bubble Yum, NOW. "And if there's any missing, it's straight to juvie hall!"
- A life of the mind is important too. Wow your honey with your extensive collection of classic Chinese literature. Show your date the cool pictures in Sun Ti's The Art of Gwar. And boost your partner's self-esteem! Use the Tao-Te Ching to elevate their lack of motivation to an honorable creed.
- Remember -- every social and sexual dysfunction can now be treated with drug therapy. If your partner seems wan and disinterested, prescribe a suite of Paxil, Propecia and rubbing alcohol. That'll put hair on their legs! And if the treatment causes your partner's bum ticker to give out -- at least you've got fresh limbs for your secret genetic research!
- If you perform secret genetic research, make sure it's not in your basement. Otherwise, sooner or later, your partner will "hear a strange suction-type noise" and investigate. If you violate this rule and are caught, you just might be able to explain the vats of tissue samples as "riding the edge of home brewing". But don't count on it...
- Add a dash of exotic mystery to the mating dance. Claim to be a consultant for the best cooking schools of France and Italy. As proof: during every restaurant outing, order the four-cheese pizza with extra Swiss. Rhapsodize about the transformations in color, scent and texture that fine cheese undergoes within your body.
- After dating a week, you may be read to get closer. Quit your job and move in with your boyfriend/girlfriend to "spend more time with the baby". When told there is no baby, smile and say "Oh, there will be."
- Illness can present great opportunities to bond with someone. If your sweetie comes down with a cold, chastise him/her for lack of faith. Explain that only by believing in the disease can it be contracted. "At least you've got me to put you on the one true path!" (Charge extra for gratuitous capitalization.)
- Everybody worries about the future. Where will this relationship go? Answer these questions! Sacrifice a goat and read its entrails. Cards are more hygienic but their allure is deadly -- their bureaucratic heirarchy parallels that of Big Government.
- When the subject of sex pops up, make sure it happens in an open and natural way. Bring up unrequested banner ads for other sex partners! "If you enjoy me, you're also sure to love Georg the Wolf Boy! American Express not accepted."
[Cue applause. Feel in some indefinable way that I'm being mocked.]