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Champaign, November 30th, 1999 - At local watering hole, THE BRASS RAIL, an awed crowd watched as a drunken and enraged Jesus H. Christ overturned tables and smashed windows. His tantrum began when local hobo Stinky McGee, engaged in a heated debate with local celebrity Spar Anything over what to do about a crack dealer who'd stiffed him and shanked a close friend, turned to the diety (who had been drinking Sticky Pirates since noon) and said, "What would you do?" Jesus was quoted as screaming, "Not a-f**king-gain," before proceeding to break a nearby bottle and sticking it squarely in the neck of McGee. Jesus is currently being held without bond at the Champaign Correctional Facility. McGee is in critical but Stable condition at Carle Hostpital. Jesus is said to be trying to plea-bargin his way out of jail, promising to heal McGee in return for his release. Police have said they will not allow it. "What kind of message do we send if we let every famous person off the hook?" This comes on the heels of the well-publicized trial of Spar Anything (for crack possesion, murder, baby snatching, and nun molesting) in which he was let off due to "lack of evidence". Jesus is worried that his incarceration will delay this January's Apocalypse. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Thrusday, December 2nd.
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