Hollywood, May 3 2000 - A groundbreaking study by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has found that fame represents the highest aspirations of mankind. It has the potential to unite our species in common cause, something that not even Steven Spielberg has been able to accomplish.
"This is the first research of its kind to be conducted anywhere in the world," says scientist and supermodel Dunston Kirst. "Fame has received very little attention from respectable journals, not to mention the public at large. Up to now it's been considered too abstruse, almost a pseudoscience." This will change, as scientists develop better methods to measure celebritydom accurately.
The uses of fame are said to be unlimited. Some predict that within the next ten years it could replace chemical fertilizers as a medium for crop production, and bring topsoil erosion to a halt. "If my dirt was famous, maybe it wouldn't try to leave and seek its fortunes elsewhere," says farmer Humpert Egberdink.
In addition, optics manufacturers have begun to use fame as an agent in the production of lenses. With the new lenses, biologists are able to see details of living organisms that have never before been brought to light. "Life gives up all its secrets now," says biologically savvy gent Pierce Brosnan. "For instance, we've found that creatures with the property of fame reproduce imperfectly into succeeding generations, thus introducing limitless possibilities for mutation. Genetics firms will achieve in years what would have taken decades - all thanks to Melissa Rivers."
However, the exact genesis of fame remains uncertain. Some claim it originates from different glands of the body, depending on the person. For example, Prince's Purple Rain costar Apollonia, founder of the group Apollonia Six, held her entire range of talent in her chest. People remember Prince's bandmate Lisa for her keyboard technique, but forget that Appollonia's chest could play Chopin's Minute Waltz in fifteen seconds.
Lisa was able to increase her talent by reallocating resources originally devoted to her last name. This lesson was improperly applied by Lisa Lisa of Cult Jam fame, who assumed that two first names require as little talent as one. In contrast, Prince took Lisa's experience to an even greater level, and became talented by doing away with his name entirely. And - as everyone knows - talent leads directly to fame.
However, some claim that fame has a downside. "Fame said it would take me out to a nice dinner and a movie," says Wichita resident Glenda Watson. "I would get to meet its friends, which Fame claimed were just adorable. But we ended up at my parent's house after a couple beers, and had sloppy sex in their bed. He said it turned him on." Before departing, Fame left a promotional copy of his new book, Snorting Your Way to a Better Rhinoplasty.
"Fame ain't all that," says well-known superstar Jesus Christ. "I'm famous, and look what happened. I got to die on a stick, and everyone who's not famous got to be redeemed. Where's the justice in that?" Currently, Christ is in the midst of a lawsuit brought by a group of plaintiffs who claim they fell prey to a bait-and-switch when Christ's publicists implied he was white.
In related developments, the New World recently caved to demands that it have been discovered by white people. Finally, an independent counsel has been appointed to investigate allegations that life is not, in fact, what one makes of it. Congressional hardliners recommend impeachment. They have stated, however, that they'd give up all their crust for just one minute on the silver screen.