Tijuana, January 26th, 2000 - War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death, the so-called Four Horsemen of the so-called Apocalypse, reported missing by religious zealots since midnight, January 1st, 2000, have finally been located. Yesterday, local authorities responded to a garbled and frantic phone call for help. A transcript of this call follows:
Operator: Hello, Tijuana Police Department.
Upon arriving, the police found the so-called Four Horsemen "just doing their jobs", in the words of Horsemen spokes-manifestation Death. "We were just, you know, kicking it old school. We had, um, been tied up on New Year's and weren't able to get things started properly at that time. After a brief period of, um, recovery, we felt on top of our game enough to give the Apocalyptic stuff a go." Authorities give a different spin though. The Tijuana Police Department's investigation has found that the Horsemen went out early New Year's Eve for a drink with an as-of-yet unidentified group of Central Illinois Radio DJs. They consumed far too much Raspberry Cider and woke up three weeks later, without their pants, in Tijuana. When confronted with these facts, Death replied, "Um...well, you see...uh...you know that I am the antropomorphic manifestation of Death, right...I mean, I could kill you...really...". The Horsemen are currently being held in a Tijuana jail awaiting trial. Jailed diety Jesus Christ has come out against the Horsemen and says he thinks "they should fry". Critics say that his staements are just a blatant attempt at public sympathy and that, was he not incarcerated at the time, he would have risen up and judged all of our souls on New Year's Eve, sending some to Heaven but many more to Hell, destroying the world of man in the process. "I wouldn't've," replied Jesus.
Operator: Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, but how can I help you?
Caller: There's people shot here! (pause) And vomiting! (pause) And starving to death! (pause) And dying to death!
Operator: Yes, well, okay, we'll send a car by to check things out...
Caller: F*** the f***ing car, b****, we need a f***in' army up in here!
Operator: Now, young man, we're going to help you, so don't get snippy...