Avg. 133
High 183
Avg. 146
High 210
Avg. 132
High 195
with reserve members... Nome Alone (Avg. 140 / High 193) Juneau Jump-In (Avg. 1xx / High 1xx)


Diversey River Bowl - Professional Bowling Association - International Bowling Hall of Fame - Lebowski Fest

An inspiring, profoundly ennobling chronicle of last season's events.

This Week's Results: yet another sweep...even food stamps are getting us a bite to eat.

September 16, 2003

Anchorage: Tonight I bowl. There hasnít been much bowling in my life. Not like two or three seasons ago. Life is more hectic, and we are losing time. Time that should be spent bowling. We have slacked, in more ways than one. Pure chaos exists on the bowling lanes and there has been nothing that we could do about it. This seasonís theme has consisted of records being brokenÖ..for the other team. We decided to put an end to that 2 weeks ago. I broke my all time recordÖ.hello 195. It wasnít enough because the man we bowled against broke his recordÖ.200 something. Dick.

That is the kind of adversary weíve been matched up against this season. We entered with such high hopes. Now we are clawing and biting to stay out of last place. It is time to focus up. We have another season after this. Fuck it, Letís go bowling.

September 15, 2003

Fairbanks: OK, I have not posted on this for over a month. My associate, Barrow, has had a sad absence of over 3 months. I have decided that our recent lull can be partially attributed to our lack of passion. One way that we show our passion is by posting on this here web page. So anyways, I'm posting. After a two game winning streak we are back on the downside, losing our last two. We had our first minor bowling tiff as Barrow yelled at Anchorage because he was talking to a girl and not bowling. Now, mind you I don't take sides on these kinds of things (I'm a middle child), but in general I would have to say that talking to girls is not a capital offense. It did disrupt the Anchorage flow for at least one ball and ignited my middle child anxiety. This week I'm looking for a 4-3 showing...and some passion.

August 13, 2003

Fairbanks: Have you ever wept about bowling? I have. Well, not really, but I have come close. OK, that's not completely accurate either. What is accurate is that losing is depressing. Want to no what else is depressing? I'll tell you- fat girls who are not ashamed of their body and wear reveiling clothing, that's depressing. There are very few cute girls in world of bowling, and those said girls tend to be in lanes so far away that the fatties block them out. You may be saying to yourself (or out loud perhaps you crazy bastard), "Mr. Fairbanks, aren't you married? What about Mrs. Fairbanks? Why do you need cute girls around during bowling?" Those are all fine questions, and my answer is this. Ugly fat chicks yields ugly bowling (and sometimes FAT bowling...Francis...). Pretty chicks yields pretty bowling. It's as simple as that. One more simple thing to hang your hat on: We have got to win a fucking game soon or I am going to bawl like a school girl, and that, my friends, is what is truly ugly.

Anchorage: The Brotherhood have fallen on hard times. There is a good chance the weather is affecting us. Just when we thought we could withstand the heat....out comes another bowling debacle. It's a shame really. So much potential wasting away. Slowly but surely we are losing our allies in our battle to bowl. The Kid has disappeared. Team 10 is infrequent at best in attendance. BFM still yells, so we have that going for us. Itís time to get serious about bowlingÖ.

This Week's Results: another sweep...for the bad guys. last week we were also swept. Things are not looking good for our heroes.

August 6, 2003

Fairbanks: Bowling sucked last night. That is all I have to say. Suckiety, suck, suck, suck. Our opponents were very nice, and we should have kicked their collective asses. Ok, that's all I got....suck.


July 31, 2003

This Week's Results: 2 wins, 1 loss - 17th place

Anchorage: Sometimes we bowl well. Sometimes we bowl well against good teams. There are other times that we bowl poorly but since the bowling gods look down at us and smiled. We were able to steal two games from the first team we met. Scary.

Then we met the most famous (and most popular) bowling team. BFM. They will distract you with their yelling, their poker playing, and even when they do not have the girl bowl just to bring in the king of hippies. The Hippie King has a peculiar bowling style with his impressive squat and quick kick of the leg. It will send a chuckle through your gut every time. Good men, even though we lost three games of poker.

And why did we lose the last game of poker. If I was able to bowl a strike with my last ball it would have given me a full house. Damn me and those nines. Or as BFM would say, FUCK 10, NINE!.

This new season begun. There are many changes. The Kid has either moved to San Diego, Indiana, or the Boat House at North Beach in Chicago. Bowltron is no more. They must not have found enough energy pellets to carry on. Team 10 is iffy at best when they are going to show up due to a dj gig Tuesday nights. The main stays are different, teams we hate still exist, but so does the Brotherhood. We are coming for your childrenÖ.to bowl strikes with them.

July 29, 2003

Fairbanks: I have had a week to reflect on the drubbing that we took last time and I am feeling somewhat more relaxed. Nevertheless, I plan on obtaining at least one of my goals tonight. For the record, my goals for the season are as follows: 9th place or better finish for the team (modest, I know), a 150 average (I'm at 151.3 after week 1), and an elusive game. You figure out which one will happen tonight. Bonne chance to the opponent, we are kicking ass tonight!


July 23, 2003

Fairbanks: So we are back to bowling!!! Wooo Hooo! I love bowling! Speaking of things I love...ass whoopings! Man oh man, if there is one thing that is fucking hot is getting your ass whooped. Case in point, last night our bowling team, "The Arctic Brotherhood," got our collective asses whooped. And it's not that we bowled that bad, overall it probably was above average (although what does an average really mean in week 1). I'll tell you what though, Mr. Crazy Hair was bowling amazing, and he gave me some great advice, "I'm just a positive person," he said, "and the more positive energy I have the better I bowl- you just can't get down on yourself man." Well I'll tell you what you slow-approach pansy-throwing mother fucker, I bowl better pissed off. That may not be the most fun in the world, but that's the way it is. And I hope with my entire ass-whooping-lovin' self that we play you in the playoffs because you are going down in a positively mother-fucking way!
Anyways, the guys were pretty nice and they won. Good for them...


June 22, 2003

Anchorage: First let me say Iím sorry to all the loyal bowling people who have been wondering how to bowl better. We, the Arctic Brotherhood, have been lax the past few weeks. We survived my mid-season slump, only to be struck down by three consecutive weeks of people beating us by a couple of pins. (What can I say. We are from the Arctic. We are not used to this summer shit.) No one knew what to say to each other game after game. But last week we played three (minus 1 for a no show because his girlfriend required his presence and would not let him bowl) large guys, the Jailbait Jerks. Guys who were a bit too fuckiní cocky in my opinion. Roman Polanski attempted the worse impression of ďThe JesusĒ from everyoneís favorite movie, The Big Lebowski. Even his teammate mocked him. We, the Brotherhood, were not going to be beaten by some schmucks who canít even quote a movie right. So we became one, all bowling above our average, an event that has not occurred since the dawn of the Brotherhood. I knew we had them when the previously mentioned Polanski talked about the recent movie 2 Fast 2 Furious. A direct quote, ďIím surprised to say it, but 2 Fast 2 Furious was amazing! I mean, I thought it would be good.Ē Fuck those guys, and we did. We hope you brought your brooms because we were on. Onto the final week.

Iíve been known to do some non-bowling adventures, which may surprise many of our readers. But it is true. I attended the D-Plan show this previous week. And low and behold I see some of my fellow bowlers back stage. It is the Broads of Team 10. We met afterwards, gave hugs and yelled each others team name, which is slowly becoming our greeting for each other. Fun times.

June 19, 2003

This Week's Results: a sweep 3 wins, 0 losses 20th place

June 12, 2003

Barrow: After last week's nightmare, I decided not to post. I was only capable of writing a stream of expletives, and figured everyone hears that on the bus anyway. We didn't fare particularly well this week, but I am able to think rationally about our current failure. As a team, we are simply unable to bowl a consistent game. Out of a total of 24 games played thusfar, only 3 could be described as a good team effort. Sadly, we are not able to pass one another a bowling ball, or concentrate on defense. If any us of bowls badly, we lose that game (with a few exceptions). None of us are particularly great bowlers, so it's very hard to balance a single bad performance out. We must steel ourselves for next week's match, against a group of fat guys who are very good. Weekly, they arrive at the alley in a rusted-out '78 Dodge Sportsman, stare longingly at the Chicago River, and recall their days of piracy. These guys are not be fucked with. Yet fuck with them we will, because we all need a few harrowing stories to tell our grandkids.

June 11, 2003

This Week's Results: 1 win, 2 losses. 17th place

June 4, 2003

This Week's Results: 1 win, 2 losses. 16th place

June 3, 2003

Fairbanks: I don't know what Barrow means with Hotlanta and all that, but I support it 100%. I also don't have the intimate knowledge of the vehicles of all of our opponents like my teammate. What I do have is a burning desire to annihilate our opponents this week. Whether they may be slack-jawed, moronic, or autistic French contortion artists- it makes no difference to me. What does matter to me is that we have 7 and they have 0 when the clock strikes 1 tonight. Nothing else will satisfy my need to destroy our opponent. So whoever you are...go fuck yourself. And as long as I am cursing, fuck that team from last week. I do not care for your exuberance or for the fact that you can't stay out of fights. You are officially my nemeses. I still believe that the arms were injured during the home game of "Who wants to be a Proctologist?" In any case I am upset and my fury shall be unleashed tonight. One more outburst.....FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! Ok- I'm good


Barrow: I'm tired of people in rusted-out pick ups yelling at me. A man has to get to work somehow, and if he wants to ride a pink Huffy there, that's his right. Watch out Silverado drivers, my ass is getting ornery. You will be disemboweled, Inuit style. The Brotherhood is poised for something, and my guess it that something will be followed by the proclamation, "Dirty South!" (While we are Alaskan natives, our consciousness is aligned with Ludacris. Our souls reside in Hotlanta.)

May 28, 2003

Anchorage: It was time to meet our nemesis last night. For some odd reason Yuppie Genocide has our number, much like we have otherís number. We pumped ourselves up. We have a battle ahead of us. Nick the Knife may carry a real knife, but who gives a damn about that. We are the Brotherhood (as team 10 likes to remind us we are a Powerful Brotherhood)! We were going to show no mercy....that is until we met our match up for this week.

It appears the Yuppie Genocide was down two members with broken hands. The two members we all had issues with. Nick the Knife got into a punching battle last week after bowling. He punched someone as hard as he could and broke three or four bones in his hand. What the fuck. So the Knife was out. Then the other little troll looking character (the guy who went ďohhhĒ after I bowled a strike last season in a completely non-comical sense but more in the makes me want to punch you sense) was out too. He broke his hand getting into a fight this past weekend. What the fuck characters are we bowling against? It isnít hard to see why these guys are our nemesis, they stand for everything we are against. Their two replacements were actually nice guys too thereby screwing up our killer instincts. Plus they were amazing good bowlers, and speedy. One guy got his ball up to 25.3 MPH. Crap, when did our enemies become decent guys.

So the results wonít be known till next week because handicaps wonít be included until then, but looking at the scores and how close they were one can only guess.

I guess we are not Ford Truck Men.

This Week's Results: a sweep 0 wins, 3 losses. 12th place

Barrow: Traded in the Bronco for 13 Huffy bicycles (pink, tassles on the handlebars, white wicker baskets to carry our dolls to and fro.) Realized that we are not eight year old girls, but bowl like them. Yuppie Genocide have dirt bikes, with motors. This was not a competition, we were brutalized. Will be amazed if we're above 20th place next week. Damn.

May 27, 2003

Barrow: Last week was an ode to melancholy, written by a blind bowler. It is in braille and is breathtaking in the same manner a manure-laden pasture is. First horribly noxious; after much lamenting you quietly accept your lot to dwell in the stench. If you didn't have an '88 Sunbird Coupe you could simply turn on the air and cocoon yourself, but shit didn't turn out that way. (You do have a moon-roof, and are god-damned proud of it, as you should be.) And that's fine, as the Sunbird is a solid little car, but it doesn't get you the chicks the way you'd like it too. So you drive down Route 78, smelling "nature" and wishing your old Little League coach hadn't yelled so much. (If that asshole had a lazy eye he wouldn't touch .200 for the season.)

Well the Brotherhood has saved up over the week, and now we've got ourselves a black Ford Bronco. (2 door, little rust along the bottom, but in the end, a fuckin' A ride.) The tape deck's playing "Under My Thumb", and that's exactly where Yuppie Genocide is going to be after tonight's match. Cause my ass is built Ford tough.

Fairbanks: What will it take to get all 3 of us rolling well in one night? We have all adjusted our alcohol intake to see what works best (I found out last week that being really drunk does not work). Now it's time to tinker with the food. Tonight I try the pasta sampler: spinach lasagnda, macaroni & cheese, and linguini with creamy asparagus sauce. 'Twill be interesting.
I like taking on a nemesis. I have no history with the team we are playing tonight, but I have been told that they are our nemesis (by the way, the plural is nemeses). As such I hate them passionately, and thus will bowl outstanding...


May 21, 2003

Anchorage: Sometimes you just bowl against people who are better than you. You just got to suck it up and keep going. That is what happened this week. Finally the mid-season slump has ended and I was actually 8 pins higher than my avg. But we were facing the Nutz on Yo Chin gang. The same gang we met before taking each game into the 10th frame, as we did this week. Askrow Tumsak, the 3rd bowler on their team, missed two pins in the final game. I was exhausted just trying to keep up to him, which I didnít. Tutez T Kulls, the man who takes forever to bowl (the pins donít move moron!), was back in full form. A song off of the Big Lebowski It was a fun night of bowling. He then proceeded to do the worst Jesus impression I have ever heard. Barrow quickly informed that that guy is useless. I could not argue that fact.

In some other news, the number one and number two teams are in a tight one. God Bless Mexico (The Kids new team) lost two games, doubling their season totals. While Telemundo only lost one game. It will be interesting.

The Kid was back in fashion though wearing a splendid Empire Strikes Back t-shirt. He was sitting on the floor while we were leaving. Team 10 didnít show for the match up of their nemesis, ďFUCK TEAM 10Ē BFM. So the yelling was kept to a minimum.

Next week is a big week. We need to bounce back after two loses if we are even eyeing the top 3. It will only be better because we will be facing our nemesis, Yuppie Genocide. Everything about those guys rubs me the wrong way. I will have my game face on.

Fairbanks has for the past three weeks been cooking a team dinner before bowling. This is a good idea for everyone. I like to eat, and the only thing I can come up with is that Fairbanks likes to watch me eat. Overall everyone is a winner.

This Week's Results: 1 win, 2 losses - 7th place

May 16, 2003

Fairbanks: My left arm has turned a bit green, bruised from my hulkesque tearing of my shirt on Tuesday night. I've been wanting to do it for a while, and this t-shirt was just thin enough for me to tear, although it was some effort to remove it. At one point the anchor was hanging from the shirt like he was escaping prison with a bed sheet. I am happy that Francis has his very own shine rag. Props to Tycho's consistency and Anchor stepping up in game 2 during a difficult night. I love winning!


May 15, 2003

Anchorage: And an era ends. There isnít much to say about my bowling. It has been craptastic the past two weeks. Luckily I was able to back up my team when really needed, but the inconsistency is ridiculous. The worst part about bowling terrible is when your song comes on. The song where you are invincible! My song has been, Punk Rock Girl. Without a doubt I used to put up strikes and spares with not a care in the world. Iím not allowed to say that anymore. This past Tuesday the song came on, and I choked. Itís shocking, but every good run must come to an end. Which means this bad bowling streak I'm in will come to an end.

May 14, 2003

Barrow: My words are vicious truths, as BFM learned last night. The Brotherhood flashed the Midwest sign, won a collective $18 in bowling poker, consumed 6 beers, one cola, a single shot of Jagermeister, and took 2 games and total pins. Bowler X was obviously concerned about my afternoon diatribe; his yelling verged on maniacal genius, his first ball did not. Mr. Antichrist was his normal genial self, and also could not translate his more than adequate vocalizing into bowling success. Loo, as usual, was very good and did not yell. I shit my pants in the tenth frame when I had an outside chance at 200 and an easy shot at my personal high game. (Mathematicians, stay away from me while I bowl. I start to think of the TI-82 and relive Calc problem sets. This makes it hard to commune with Francis and I perform shamefully.)

Shake in your shoes, bureaucrats.

This Week's Results: 2 wins, 1 loss - 8th place

May 13, 2003

Barrow: Tonight we play BFM (Beer-Fueled-Mayhem). Two excessively loud gentlemen, one a bearded, partial- owner of a futon shop, the other a bespectacled, sideburns-wearing diabetic, compose the screaming gentility of their team. Loo, their female teammate, is not as loud but is their most consistent bowler and the rock the more flashy parts of the team rest upon. I can not wait to play these characters. They are my favorite opponents, and I will treat them as such. Respect, a bit of banter, and bemused looks will be interspersed throughout the match. The Brotherhood will fucking thrash them, and listen as the their mantra of, "Fuck Team Ten!" degrades to a hissing much like the Wicked Witch of the West made upon contact with water. (Was it water?) BFM will not proclaim, "What a world," but you can be damn sure they'll be thinking it on the ride home in their '94 Taurus wagon. It will be a good night. Francis and I have been scheming for the greater part of the week to ensure it.

May 7, 2003

Anchorage: Sometimes one has an off night. Me, I sort of get an off three weeks each and every season. This time it was an all time low. 82. 1 good game, 1 decent game, 1 terrible terrible game. One might think I just picked up a bowling ball. Little children have bowled better than I did this past Tuesday evening. Alas, we are a team, and we pick each other up when one is down. 2 wins. We are back to our winning ways. Especially now that we have all decided to meet for dinner before our bowling night. To focus up.

This Week's Results: 2 wins, 1 loss

May 2, 2003

Anchorage: Brunoís Broads of Team 10 is so damn nice. Yesterday, after a happy hours of fun, we go bowling. And we bowl out of our heads. The fun is all around us. Now, one would think four games of bowling will cost us at least one finger each. I was completely prepared to give one up too, instead Team 10 greets us with a discount. She is a special person.

May 1, 2003

Fairbanks: My high game going into this past week was 193. Drunk and tired I arrived Tuesday night in the zone. I started with an acceptable 138, then went crazy with a 196 followed by a 210. Believe it! I really should have had back-to-back 200 games, but choked on my last ball in the second game throwing a 3 when all I needed was a 7. There's no "I" in "TEAM" and all that crap, but I'll be damned if I didn't bowl as well as I could and we still lost 2 of 3 and the match. Very disappointing. Overall we all bowled fairly well, but "Scottie" had it going. Next week Barrow and Anchorage will need to step it up because I've blown my average all to hell (I think I'll be at 162 next week). See you at the lanes...

April 30, 2003

Anchorage: A cold wind was definitely blowing last night. Itís a shame to spoil a spectacular performance of our bowling team with such hard losses, but the Sewer Jewels were sober and bowled out of their minds. Waka Waka Waka was all we could say as Fozzy continued to bowl strike after strike after spare. At any other time what we bowled should have swept any opponent, but the Jewels learned from us. If you bowl well against tough opponents you will win because of your high handicap. Rats. What can you say when I bowl my average, Barrow bowls over his by 10, and Fairbanks averages 181 for the night. I mean, Fairbanks broke the 200 point barrier! Congrats on your 210 pal. It was a powerful evening filled with anguish. But now Fairbanks has the taste of defeat in his mouth. A taste us wily veterans, Anchorage and Barrow, are too well versed in. We will regroup and trod on because thatís what we do. We bowl! No matter if itís sunny for 6 weeks straight or 6 weeks of darkness. We are the Arctic Brotherhood. Watch the fuck out!

Anchorage: Only the second time I've seen a friend break the 200 barrier. Nice job Fairbanks! Nice tackle Barrow!

This Week's Results: 1 win, 2 losses

April 24, 2003

Barrow: A new season, the Brotherhood traverse the tundra to their adopted home, the oiled lanes. It's good to be back. We bowled as numbers this week, as the staff of the alley need a week to input our names and relentlessly check Ode to Gary's spelling. I was "Bowler # 22" and bowled as one would expect a nameless bowler to bowl: with distinct mediocrity. I was not heroic, nor inspired, nor horrendous. I went for a 134.5 average on the evening; better than last season, but it was a passionless evening for Barrow. We handled our foes easily in the first and third games, and were crushed in game two. A lack of competitive games makes for a stress free evening, but I long for a battle. Soon enough we will face Bowltron, "The Kid" has shaved his head and was wearing a sleeveless number I never thought he could pull off. He did; his style remains unparalleled. A long distance dedication goes out to him and all the other fine bowlers of our world.

Anchorage: The expectations are so much higher this season. No longer are we the over looked creatures. People know us, respect us, and fear us now. People may think that we are a weaker team losing such a high profile teammate to free agency. We had to accept that the Japanese were able to outbid us. It did feel good to know that the Powerful Creatures were the number one reason why he wanted to stay here, but the lure of Japan was too much, and we all said our graceful good-byes by finishing strong and hard, just as my driver instructor back in high school told me to finish when Iím parallel parking. I didnít understand my driver instructor much, but I do understand bowling. So we brought up a new teammate from the minors (we did build him up from the draft, a high 2nd round pick), change the name, because it is a new beginning, and proceeded to bowl....and bowl we did.

The usuals were all in attendance. The Kid had a new look. No more retro t-shirts. He was sporting a grey wife beater with a shave head. You must respect him. Our nemesis Ode to Gary was many lanes down from us. BFM was quick to inform us that Team 10 still sucks, according to them. It was good to be back.

I was one frame away from the Elusive Game (a mark in every frame). Yes, it did occur in the 2nd frame so the pressure wasnít there all game. The worst part of this was that I blew two strikes to bowl a gutter ball, but quickly recovered with a spare. I now know that if I did a decent score in that one frame odds are I would have broken the 200 barrier that has so mocked me. We wonít know the final results until our handicaps are added to our scores. So sit back patiently and come on back because the Arctic Brotherhood have set their sights on the top 3 this season. Prepare for some powerful bowling.

April 23, 2003

This Week's Results: 2 wins, 1 loss

Fairbanks: Now that I am officially old (26 2/3), staying up until 1am bowling has become difficult. However not one yawn dropped from my mouth during our first week of action and my 142 average for the night is acceptable. The brotherhood bowled well, and when my alarm went off at 8:18am I was feeling refreshed. Can't wait to find out if we won...


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