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What information will look like -- In The Future!

I predict that the trend away from investigative journalism, and toward the recycling of a few easily available news pieces, will grow. In the future, news providers will maximize their ROI by eliminating wasteful, labor-intensive sentence construction. Within ten years, all news stories will be one word long.

For example, "Tsunami!" or "Pope!"

If a story is truly groundbreaking, or touches the lives of millions, the word will be repeated over and over.

Furthermore, I predict that one of the mainstream news outlets, CNN or MSNBC, will cut additional production costs by eliminating punctuation. But this scheme will backfire when Fox runs intensive coverage on "ELITISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". This will shame Fox's less reactionary competitors into reinstating punctuation, thereby avoiding the trap of reporting news like William Faulkner. Journalistic integrity must be maintained.

My friend and webspace-mate Rory recently speculated on gayness, attempts to avoid the appearance of gayness, and the enshrinement of conventional wisdom on attempts to avoid the appearance of gayness. He got me to wondering.

For my money, sexual preference is completely determined by non-sexual behavioral traits. For example, sometimes I sip my tea with my pinky held out. This either means I'm gay, or else I learned to hold my pinky out by playing classical guitar. But then again -- classical guitar. Sheesh. By itself, that dooms me to a lifetime of fingering other men's fretboards.

Speaking of sticking your M-16 into other men's exit wounds, you know what's not gay? The military. Young, strapping men volunteering to leave their wives and homes, to spend years together stacked in barracks bunkbeds. Nope. Not gay.

In fact, our government is determined that there should be no stain on the honor of this country's fighting men. As soon as the Defense of Marriage Act is safe from violation at the hands of activist judges, this administration will turn its attention to the Defense of Defense Act. In lieu of veteran's benefits or family assistance, our soldiers will be protected by the force of an amendment to the Constitution of the United States. The amendment will read: "The military is not gay."

Some lawmakers, caught up in their zeal to do right by our country's armed forces, are proposing a second amendment to table. Tentatively named the Defense of Offense Act, this new law would state "Everything besides the military is gay."

However, more moderate lawmakers point out that such an amendment would entail that marriage is gay. One consequence might be that only gay marriage would be constitutional. In order for heterosexual unions to exist at all, our men in uniform would have to marry each other. Because, you know, they're not gay.

And because they sacrifice themselves so that we might live free.