The Zany Time Reports Memo

In December of 2000, I was asked to come up with a "creative" memo to remind people to turn in their time reports. You can read me griping about it here (see 001213 and 001214). Not a sweatshop labor kind of assignment, to be sure, but I still wasn't happy about doing it, because it's very important to my ability to deal with my employment at a greedy multinational corporate glob that I keep my creative faculties entirely separate from them. Much as I like to write, I wasn't too sure about this audience. I didn't trust their senses of humor any more than I trusted their senses of decency. I was also having a hard time coming up with funny things about time reports. After a lengthy struggle, the memo was released to a resounding non-response. Some things are better left to a reader's imagination, and this is definitely one of them. But here it is, anyway. You have to imagine where all of the obscenities were in the first seventeen drafts.

("M&C" stands for "Marketing and Communications".)

Winter Health Tips
from your Finance friends in M&C

  • You may have heard that you're not supposed to eat the yellow snow. That's true. It's not a good idea to eat snow in general, no matter what color it is. Food is much better for you.
  • Time reports are due to the ASC on Friday, December 15, 2000 by 7PM CST. Don't use that tired old "I was buried in an avalanche" excuse. If you plan to be buried in an avalanche, get your time report in early.
  • Send Salise a copy of your signed and authorized time report along with expense receipts copies. Do not feed a copy of your signed and authorized time report to polar bears, because that is not the kind of food that they eat. They will become angry and demand fish instead, which are expensive.
  • Everyone agrees that you look great in your new Hawaiian shorts. No one is disputing that. Please, wear a coat. It's cold outside.

  • So there you go.

    (photo: AP)

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