Volume Two Issue Two
June 21, 1995
bogart (bo-gart) v. 1) To hoard or keep unfairly
to onself 2) To overuse or overexpose onself
and in doing so prevent another from experiencing
the item or event in question 3) To impede the
flow of Propaganda for four months....
by Midget Caesar
2) Annoyance: the Escalation
3) More Poems
4) A Day in the Life
by Platinum Ego
5) HOW TO BE A MORON
6) Short Stories and More!
7) Social Awareness Corner: Chia Crusade '95
9) Dystropia part Tweleventeen
by Midget Caesar
10) Ads, Coming Attractions, and Rejection of Conventional Values
Constantine......Editor-In-Chief (Mellow Yellow)
Midget Caesar....Executive Editor (Jivy Ice)
Newt.............Head Writer (Chillin' Pomengranate)
Oregano..........Evanston Correspondant (Groovy Kiwi)
Zaphod...........Distribution Manager (Funky Banana)
Dr. Fig..........Arts Editor (Ravin' Quiche)
Aquarius.........Question Mark (Manic Beef Jerky)
Writing Staff: (Shaken, not Stirred)
Malakai, Platinum Ego, Psychotic Ambition,
Nyarlathotep, Comrade Slash, Jack Roberts,
and (new!) Razorline
Two-Fish.........Arbiter of all that is Cool, Tasty, In Stock,
and Aesthetically Pleasing in Sweaters
Here and now, my moment in the sun. We all know that "cyberspace"
is "virtual", so my imagined sunlight is just as real here as the
latest online marketing trend. wooo hooo!
Anyways, another issue of Propaganda Unlimited is typed out. I
apologize for the ridiculously long delay between issues - well, I was
probably the only person who WASN'T expecting it, given our past
history. This time it was due to, well, inertia. We were also delayed
because Constantine is on vacation in Beirut, and he is not doing
anything subversive at all, nor is he playing any games with their
food supply, and finally he is not in any way involved in the
preparation for the landing of several dark, mysterious hovering
objects. We would also like to make it perfectly clear that
Constantine has absolutely no connection with any future unfortunate
"accidents" that may occur in the vicinity of House Speaker Newt
Gingrich. Just clearing the record, thanks. Anyways, Constantine will
return next issue, as will hopefully Newt and Dr. Fig, also on, well,
absentia. Meanwhile, we have a couple new writers for your reading
apathy, Razorline and Platinum Ego, and a few new submissions from
people who haven't written for us in awhile. And to top all that off,
you have my trademarked babbling. (If you've actually read this far
into my babble, you are a truly epic fan. Email us and we'll say nice
things about you)
We do hope to maintain some sort of frequent schedule in the
future, but even one as slow and optimistic as I has learned not to
make promises about it. Meanwhile, my time in the Chicago area is
limited. Northwestern University and I had.....a disagreement, and,
well, needless to say I won't be attending there this fall. (okay, I
got rejected, screw them if they refuse to accept me just 'cause I
didn't do any work in high school. fascists!) I'll be attending the
University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. On that subject, so will
Aquarius. Platinum Ego's off to Iowa State, Newt to Wellesley, and the
rest are either staying here or destination unknown. We wish ourselves
well, woop. Propaganda Unlimited most likely will continue
publication during my dislocation, in what form remains to be seen.
Being well-behaved gee golly gosh whiz cyber-enthusiasts, we here
at PU have expanded - we now have our own HOMEPAGE on the INTERNET!
wowza! We'll be mentioned in Time Magazine any day now! Thanks to
Zaphod for setting it up. There have also been rumours that we might
also be involved in acquiring a....Winnebago! but you didn't hear that
from me. It's temporarily offline, but keep checking....the address is
at the end of this issue.
I hope you like the new material this issue, and I also hope that
the format changes to not incur the wrath of your stomach's digestive
juices. Heck, I'd be pleased if someone was actually READING this
Propaganda Unlimited - You know we'll never give in to the hype.
(mention this introduction and get $5 off admission
to the PU Anti-Konformist Kamp! Your Summer Fun
Annoyance: A How To Guide for Beginners
[a MalaGuide (tm) ]
Hello! This is Malakai, PhD of Annoyance Skills, with
additional degrees in False Stupidity, Feigning Intelligence, and
Silly Voices. Being a trained professional annoyance, I have come
today to show you how to be effectively annyoing online *and* offline,
and ways where you can do both! Being though there are *MANY* types of
annoyance, I shall refer to my style of annoyance as 'Malakonian'
annoyance, a name which is rather annoying in itself. Now, please
stand by as we move into the main idea for our story.
Lesson 1: Identification of Annoyance Weaknesses
Everyone has a various pet peeve, whether they hate it when people
spell wrong, hate people who say the same thing over and over, or just
hate people who appear to have little intelligence. Using this section
of your Annoyance handbook, you will learn to identify various types
of annoyance weaknesses, as well as strengths, to go off topic and be
Section a: Weaknesses
1. Intellectual Weakness: These people are easily annoyed by either an
apparant lack of intelligence (superiority complex) or an apparant
high level intelligence (just plain stupid); For the 1st, to annoy
with the best results, feign igorance, often beat around the bush and
take the conversation in circles, and of course, do NOT, I repeat, DO
NOT, use a word over 2 sylables unless you have to. For the later, try
and use words over 4 sylables when possible, try to ALWAYS sound like
you know what the heck you are talking about even if you don't; And
here's the sinker--- if they ask you what you're talking about, you
say, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you,"; This almost
always gains an annoyed response.
2. Racial Weakness: In these days and ages and such, people are
getting to be more 'conscious', or basically intolerant of joshing
around utilizing words like 'nigger' 'spic' 'honky' and such. These
people you can easily identify. First you must learn to speak semi-
jive. The typical Semi-Jive entrance is 'sup foo' and you may or may
not get a response. If no response, especially no annoyed response,
occurs, then add on, "was ju niggahs up to?"; This will probably
invoke an annoyed response on any intolerant in the area. And from
there it's all child's play, assuming you saw the movies.
3. Words and Phrases: This is probably the most annoying weakness to
have, and the most common; It comes from the repitition of one word,
sentence, or even letter. You just keep repeating yourself over and
over. For example, I log onto a chat board, and go into Teleconfrence.
A user says, "Hey, what's up Mal?" and I say, "Are you talk'n na me?"
and they say, "Yeah, what's up?" and I go, 'I don't think you're
talk'n na me,"; If you use the same or a similar premise, this can be
VERY annoying and VERY effective. But be careful, some people may
carry on a conversation this way.
Section b: Strengths
Haha! Fooled you! There is no strengths versus annoyance! Isn't this
Lesson 2: Annoyance with an Attitude
In the last lesson, you learned basic tactics for annoyance of people
with the weaknesses stated above, as well as for the strengths stated
above. But sometimes this isn't enough; I am a Certified Professional
Annoyance, and am banned from the bulk of chat boards in Illinois and
south Wisconsin due to this fact, and people like us are almost IMMUNE
to the effects and strategies of annoyance. However there are a few
sure fire ways to annoy someone.
Section a: Superior Annoyance Tactics- Online
1. Continiously talk about nothing, the faster you can type the
better, cloud up the conversation with meaningless babble to the point
that you are the main converser, but no one is listening to you. This
may or may not show signs of obvious annoyance, but it annoys; If you
add other tactics, even basic tactics, into this tactic (the Speak
Tactic), it can be EXTREMELY effective, and may even annoy a trained
professional like myself.
2. If you know someone never shuts off call waiting and you have two
lines, you simply keep calling them as they get on, they will
eventually get VERY VERY pissed off and either shut it off or stop
calling. While this is not directly noticable, it can be used to annoy
someone who was waiting to talk to that person but now can't because
they kept getting kicked off.
3. If you can, keep sending E-Mail to one person, a constant steam, if
possible, make a script program for it, that keeps sending a one word
E-Mail message over and over. The user will log on, and have 500 E-
Mail messages saying, for example, "Ort" on them. You can also do this
with pages if they are online, so that they can't read what people are
typing because they are getting too many pages.
4. In a public messages base, post a long message, with one word as
one message, then the next as another, and so on. This will piss
everyone off and annoy people extremely.
Section b: Superior Annoyance Tactics- Offline
1. In reality, if you talk and fluctuate the frequency of your voice,
and change the accent every sentence, this can be VERY annoying. Or
keep one stupid accent all the way through, for example keep using the
Hans and Franz style of talking. This gets VERY old and VERY annoying,
VERY fast. It has a rating of 3 V's [grin]
2. Also, now you can have physical contact; One annoying thing to do,
is keep tapping people on the shoulder, gently, but to get them to
turn around, when they turn around, give them a big shit eating grin,
and then they will turn back around, and you start up again. You can
also ignore the grin and just keep tapping even when they turn thier
3. Taking a blanket and throwing it over your friend's head and then
taking a bat and hitting it very hard is VERY annoying, they'll be
really annoyed once they find thier way out of the sheets. Be careful
though, because you may over annoy them.
Lesson 3: Hints and Stuff
If you can get all these techniques down, you will have the equivelant
of a Bachelour's degree in annoyance. With practice you can gain
annoyance experience behind your years! In this lesson I shall give
you a few pointers to help you on your way to become a famous and
Section a: Hints for Feigning Stupidity
1. Say 'huh' 'duh' 'what' and other such one sylable words that
express ignorance often, this will make you appear to be a complete
2. If someone says something that can be interpreted two ways, but one
is very unusual and very stupid (for example, 'you know, my
refrigerator went out today,' is said by someone, you would reply,
"Oh, where'd it go?"); You will gain experience in this over time, and
some people have become VERY good at it.
3. If you can, try and make up some dumb looks of your own to help you
offline as well, it can work. Also, if you are driving, just stare out
the window stupidly; This will annoy either someone in the car, or
someone looking out thier window at an idiot staring right at them
Section b: Quick Slanguage Tutorial (id=real translation d=direct
1. Jive Phrases
foo = fool (d), you (id)- More often use to personify a previous *you*
sup = what's up? (d & id)
G = gangstah (d), friend (id)
niggah = nigger (d), a friend who did something cool (id)
beoch = bitch (d & id)
2. Espanol Rapido
¨Hablas a mi? = Are you talking to me?
No creo tu hablar a mi = I don't think yur talk'n na me.
Sabo no tu hablar a mi = I know you are not talking to me.
3. Other Various Phrases/Words
Ort = Stupid
Monkey = Cool
Duck = God
Spam = Fruit of the Gods
Chickenman = Some old guy who goes through dumpsters
Ooo ooo ooo ah ah ah = Great mating call
Teuchalatatiteez = The Great Monkey God
If you wish to increase your annoyance skills, please write Malakai at
the following address:
Remember, postage is now like 31 or 32 cents.
what shall i do?
shall i play my kazoo?
should i go to the zoo?
should i take a poo?
will you too?
after making beef stew?
This has become quite tiresome.
They are so beautiful.
I could stare at them all day.
Full of love.
But the optic nerve sticking out of the back of them is pretty
I wonder who the hell they came from?
Headin' to the arcade
Gonna play some vids
Heading over to Arkanoid
I insert a coin
It uses TOKENS!
Tokens....why why why
Please no tokens
Doesn't anyone care?
The token machine
Pinnacle of evil.
Car Wash Attendant
Who weeps for the car wash attendant?
When he's alone?
Who weeps for the car wash attendant?
When he gets wet?
Who weeps for the car wash attendant?
When people drop their dollar bill onto the ground?
Vigilant and proud,
You can yell but he won't get loud.
Quietly accepts money from you
Your car MUST be free of bird doo.
We must all weep.
His pain is ours.
A Day in the life of Monty the Python
My snake's point of view
from Platinum Ego
Well today started out relatively normal... the sun came up all
at once nearly blinding me again at the same time this weird noise
started. I heard someone groan and then there was a crash and the
weird noise stopped. I slithered out of my box to hunt for mice again
but to my dismay, there were none in my little 5 by 2 foot kingdom.
So I did what any self-respecting member of the reptile kingdom would
do: I fell asleep in the sun for 8 hours.
I woke up when I heard something slam, and then that box in the
corner of the room started flashing the little lights again. Up above,
the sky opened up and that big warm tree picked me up. I love these
big warm trees, I just wish they wouldn't move around so much. I
curled around the top part really tightly to get as warm as I could.
The tree started making weezing sounds and struggled a lot, but it
eventually stopped. Anyway, I went off to hunt for mice again... I
couldn't find any.
What I did find were a lot more of those warm moving trees, but I
was warm enough so I just left them alone. That black furry thing with
legs that doesn't like me went to this place called "outside" a lot, I
hear the word every time the invisible wall opens. I got to wondering
what was so wonderful about this outside place anyway, so I followed
it through the invisible wall. The first thing I saw was a lot of wood
on the ground. I couldn't even see the dirt there was so much of it.
I went out looking for mice again... I found a really big one with a
furry tail. So I hid in the bushes for a while till it got really
close and I bit it and wrapped around it and suffocated it.
Then came the fun part. It was too big to eat...
So I carried it back to the "inside" place and got up on one of
the high places in the "kitchen" place. I saw the big warm trees put
things into a big invisible cup that makes a lot of noise, so I
decided to try it. I put the big fuzzy mouse in a big invisible cup
and pushed a button and it made a loud noise and there was red stuff
everywhere and when I looked back at the mouse, it was gone. Just a
lot of red liquidy stuff. Then one of the big warm trees came into the
room so I hid. It said "Hey who made tomato juice?" and drank all the
red stuff... That was mine! oh well... Maybe tomorrow I'll eat,
snakes can go months between meals.
(Editors Note - In response to new legislation requiring equal space,
coverage, and facilities for the stupid, we have included the
THE TEN RULES OF MORON-HOOD
AS SOME OF YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, I HAVE HAD MANY YEARS
EXPERIENCE ACTING LIKE A MORON ONLINE, SO I HAVE DECIDED TO PASS THIS
EXPERIENCE ON TO OTHERS IN SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO CALL A PATHETIC
ATTEMPT AT ANOTHER T-FILE. HERE'S TO ALL YOU FELLOW MORONS OUT THERE!
FIRST RULE: YOU MUST LEAVE CAPS LOCK ON.. IF YOU DO NOT, YOU WILL NOT
BE SPEAKING SO PEOPLE CAN READ YOU, SO YOU WILL NOT BE LISTENED TO. IF
YOU HAVE NO CAPS LOCK KEY OR IT IS STUCK DOWN BY STICKY THINGS [GUM
AND OTHER WORDS WHICH RHYME WITH GUM] JUST PUT A LARGE HEAVY OBJECT ON
THE SHIFT KEY.
SECOND RULE: IF YOU KNOW PEOPLE ON THE BBS YOU ARE CURRENTLY ON AND
YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE ONCE OR MORE PER WEEK YOU MUST GO INTO THE
GENERAL MESSAGES OR EQUIVELANT MESSAGE BASE AND POST A MESSAGE SAYING
HI TO THOSE PEOPLE, BUT IT CANNOT EXCEED 10 WORDS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL
BE MAKING IT TOO LONG AND COMPLEX FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF TO READ, SO
THEN YOU WILL NOT BE LISTENED TO AGAIN.
THIRD RULE: TRY AND TALK ABOUT PIRACY AND ANARCHY EVERYWHERE. YOU MUST
GO INTO THE MESSAGE BASES AND POST ADS FOR 3Lt3 BBS'S AS WELL AS TALK
ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WISH AMERICA AND THE WORLD WOULD NOT HAVE ANY
GOVERNMENT SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND THEN HAVE
EVERYONE REPLY TO YOU AND PROVE YOU WRONG, THIS WAY, YOU KNOW PEOPLE
ARE LISTENING TO YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE RESPONDING TO YOUR MESSAGES.
FOURTH RULE: IF THERE ARE X-RATED GIFS ON THIS BBS, DOWNLOAD THEM ALL,
GETTING FILE POINTS OR RATIO ETC'S BY UPLOADING LARGE TEXT FILES THAT
ARE 1 MEG THAT GOT THAT BIG BY HOLDING DOWN THE T KEY FOR AN HOUR. IF
THERE ARE NOT ANY YOU MUST PESTER THE SYSOP ABOUT THEM SAYING THAT HE
MUST BE A FAG BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY X-RATED GIFS OF GIRLS OR
ANYTHING ON THE BBS.
FIFTH RULE: YOU MUST POST ABOUT VIRUII AND UPLOAD SOME VIRUII TO THE
BBS SO THAT THE BBS CAN BECOME COOL. WITHOUT VIRUII, THE BOARDS SUCK,
WITH THEM YOU KNOW THAT THEY WILL BE SAFE AND YOU'LL KNOW YOU'LL NEVER
GET A VIRUS ON ACCIDENT [OR ON PURPOSE, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY ALL
ONLINE! ISN'T LOGIC WONDERFUL?]
SIXTH RULE: YOU MUST SAY THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY STUPID, YOU WILL SAY
ONE WORD ANSWERS THAT WILL LEAVE THE POSTERS GUESSING! THIS WAY YOU
KNOW YOU ARE ENHANCING THE LIVES OF OTHERS BY MAKING THEM THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOUR POSTS REALLY MEAN. YOU ARE PAVING THE WAY FOR A CLEANER,
SEVENTH RULE: E-MAIL AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ASKING STRANGE AND
STUPID QUESTIONS AND TALKING ABOUT ONLINE GAMES, ATTEMPTING TO GET
THEM TO PLAY THEM AND BE ON YOUR TEAM AND SUCH AND SUCH SO THAT YOU
KNOW THESE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. IF THEY REJECT,
THEY OBVIOUSLY ARE FUCKED IN THE HEAD SO YOU WANT TO PUT ON ALL YOUR
ELITE BLACK-LISTS THAT SO-AND-SO IS SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
CALL THE ELITE BOARD BECAUSE THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY MORONS.
EIGHTH RULE: IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOUR SYSOP HATES AND YOU KNOW ABOUT
IT, YOU MUST POST THIS IN EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE BASE YOU CAN THINK OF
TO POST IT IN. THIS WILL ENSURE THAT THE SYSOP GETS OVER THIS HATRED
OF THE PARTICULAR THING BECAUSE HE IS FORCED TO DEAL WITH IT. AND THIS
GOES TO PROVE AGAIN YOU HAVE HELPED HUMANITY, ONE STEP AT A TIME.
NINTH RULE: IF THERE IS A BBS YOU WANT TO ADVERTISE FOR, YOU WILL POST
IT IN EVERY BASE! THIS WILL MAKE SURE PEOPLE WILL HEAR YOU, I MEAN, IF
THERE'S A 15% CHANCE THEY'LL CALL AFTER SEEING ONE ADD, AND THERE'S 5
BASES ON THE SYSTEM, IF YOU PUT IT UP ONCE IN EACH BASE, THAT'LL BE A
95% CHANCE OF THEM CALLING! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL! MATH WORKS INTO ALL
TENTH RULE: YOU SHOULD SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME ONLINE. IF YOU HAVE 3
HOURS, TRY AND USE THE FULL 3 HOURS. THE SYSOP GIVES YOU 3 HOURS SO
YOU CAN USE IT, NOT SO IT SITS AROUND AND IS NOT USED AT ALL! GOOD
PLACES TO STAY ONLINE ARE THE T-FILES, ONLINE GAMES, AND LISTING OF
FILES. YOU CAN DO THESE OVER AND OVER AGAIN SO THAT YOU REMEMBER WHERE
EVERY SINGLE THING IS LOCATED, SO YOU CAN IN TURN HELP USERS OUT LATER
WELL, IF YOU FOLLOW THESE 10 RULES OF MORON-HOOD, WITHIN 2
DAYS YOU WILL BECOME A MORON! I HOPE THAT YOU ENRICH THE LIVES OF
OTHERS WITH THESE NEW SKILLS YOU HAVE LEARNED! AND REMEMBER, NEVER
More Short Stories
The Broken Printer
Samuel Yartley had a broken printer. No matter what he tried,
it would not print a single letter. He took it to the nearest service
center and asked if it could be fixed.
"Yes." said the repairperson.
"How much and how long?" said Samuel.
"Around $75 and probably four weeks since we'll have to send
it out." replied the repairperson.
"Oh, O.K." said Samuel as he handed over the printer.
Samuel and the repairperson stood there for a little bit,
waiting for the narrator to return from the restroom.
When he came back, he had forgotten how the story was supposed
to end and that I was telling my story from the wrong perspective.
Collecting Stamps Is A Fun And Enjoyable Hobby
Ron enjoyed collecting stamps. It was fun to look at all the
different stamps from around the world and then paste them in the
correct spot in his book. Once in a while he would go the post office
and get some brand-new stamps! Shut up.
What A Cretin
Albert was overweight. He wished he could just look like all
the other kids. One day Albert decided to change his life. He began
jogging, excercising, and eating all the right foods. After two years
of this he looked at himself in the mirror and saw that he was still
as fat as ever. Disbelieving, he weighed himself. The scale still
showed 290! He hadn't lost a pound.
Two days later he died of hunger.
Dr. Porters had done it! The time machine was finished! At
last, he could finally become the first person to travel through time!
He got into the time machine and set the controls for 1908.
The moment of truth had arrived... he reached forward and pulled the
lever to activate the hypo-drive.
Unfortunately, Dr. Porters was only hallucinating. He is
really a ferris-wheel operator at your local carnival. As he stepped
out of what he thought was his time machine, his lab coat got caught
in the ferris-wheel motor. Dr. Porters was mangled beyond
recognition. As the paramedics took away what was left of his body,
the ferris-wheel timewarped back to the year 1908, a land of mystery,
intrigue, and... DINOSAURS.
(to be continued in Time Travel ][)
Alternate Family Circus
We all hate Family Circus and its unrealistic cheerful family
portrayals. Here are some alternate captions, I think you can picture
the actual drawing fairly easily...
1. "Daddy, I liked how you spanked me that time!"
2. "Was the mailman in Mommy's bed because he was tired?"
3. "Why are you kissing Daddy down there?"
4. "I HATE ALL YOU FUCKING KIDS."
5. "Dolly had a headache so she ate all Mommy's pills!"
6. "Will Jeffy's arm grow back like a starfish?"
7. "Gramma won't wake up!"
8. "So the integral of that parabola factors into an acceleration
9. "Why was Daddy snorting the powdered sugar instead of eating it?"
10. "How do we know Grampa isn't in hell?"
****Social Awareness Corner!****
"The Invasion Of The Giant Chia Pets From Mars."
"Anti-Chia Crusade '95"
- By Razorline
The Chia Pet.
Watch it grow.
Fun for the whole family.
It's all a conspiracy. How else would such a cheap company
afford to show so many cheap commercials at every time of the day. Ok,
so they don't anymore. But they used to. It's because their conspiracy
has begun. Their plot has started. The time bomb has been activated.
Ah, yes. What conspiracy indeed. Brilliantly planned.
Brilliantly executed. No one would suspect a thing. Until it was too
late. The poor, unsuspecting housewife, with her 2.3 kids, currently
popular breed of dog, husband making the current average income of
$55,000 grand a year, and her nice, domestic two-story brown and white
brick house, was doomed. And there was nothing she could do. The
conspiracy was perfect. Who would have suspected. Yes, who indeed.
WHAT CONSPIRACY, ALREADY?!?!?
The conspiracy of World Domination. Yes, that's right. World
Domination. Watch them grow. Yes. Watch them grow. But once they've
started, who's going to make them stop? You water them. They grow.
Water. Grow. Water. Grow. Soon, they've reached the perfect size
advertised on the TV. But do they stop there? Nope. You don't have to
water them. Watch them grow. And grow. And grow. WHEN WILL IT ALL
END??? WHEN WILL IT ALL END???
WHEN *WILL* IT ALL END?
It would end when the Chias have complete control over the
world as we know it. When the world is thrown into anarchy. When we
are but slaves here to cater to their every whim. The Chias have come,
not from a science lab, but from Mars. Yes, that's right. Mars. The
Invasion Of The Giant Chia Pets From Mars. They forced the television
producers to run their ads. It's all a huge conspiracy, right up to
the big cheeses up in Fox. The Chias Rule Them All. Who would have
WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THIS INVASION OF THE
GIANT CHIA PETS FROM MARS? I WANT TO HELP!
Ah, good. You want to help. You CAN help. That's right. You
can help save the world from the Chias. Join the Anti-Chia Crusade. We
attack the television stations that promote the buying of Chia Pets.
We attack Chia Pet factories. We destroy Chia Pets wherever they may
be found. We burn them at the cross. The only way to kill them. They
are immortal but to fire when burned upon a cross. Join us. Save the
world. Destroy The Chia Pets.
For more info, write:
Farmer Bob's Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies*
PO Box 123
Santa Ana, California
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*It's an alias. The Chias have spies throughout the postal service,
(Editors Note - The following is a true story. Proceed with caution.
Also, all characters and products in the following article are
fictional. Any resemblance to real people, events, or soft drinks
is entirely coincidental. If you can suspend your disbelief long
enough to ignore the fact that the first two statements contradict
each other, you're our kind of reader!)
"The Hiss Of Success"
John wasn't the kind of person who would have noticed the
special sound. One day after a long hours at the office, filing
folders and writing memos, John opened a can of Pepsi and his
The crunch of metal tearing apart from metal fed his need
for violence, the crisp sound, the can forever disfigured,
ripped open with leveraged force. Then a spurt, liquid turned
to gas in a sudden rush of pressure, forced out by freed carbon
dioxide. Spurt. The release let John release all his tension,
he was carried away to a a soft world of carmel color, floating
on a cloud of carbonated bubbles. He just listened as the gas
fizzled up through the cold Pepsi, fizz dancing on the surface,
he felt he was dancing along with it, stepping from bubble to
bubble, ready to dive into pleasure.
John licked his lips and pressed them against the cold can,
he tilted back the can till the opener-ring pressed gently
against his nose; he let the elixer flow to his mouth, bathing
his tongue in flavors too rich for this world. Still the best
part was over, though he was refreshed fully, he still felt a
loss after the can was opened, the first bit of violence was
over. It was the tearing of metal, and the *pfft* that the
Pepsi gave so willingly that excited John. He gulped down the
entire contents of the can and then opened another, just to
hear the sound of its music.
If only he could do this more often.
The next day he found himself opening more cans than he
could drink. After the release of opening them, he'd offer them
to his co-workers. They were suspicious, but they watched him
carefully and saw no tampering and wrote it off as John having a
There would have to be a better way to satiate this need,
the soda from the machine was expensive. The newspaper found a
solution, he could work at a party as a bartender's assistant.
He called up and came in for an interview, they responded to his
enthusiasm with a special deal, he would be in charge of soft
drinks at an upcoming party.
One evening a few days later found John in a tux, behind
him were 17 cases of Pepsi (the partygoer's favorite.)
Excitement welled up in John's heart, he readied himself for
the evening by taking out a can, and ever so slowly pulling
back the metal tab. A hiss escaped, and kept on going. Slow.
He was careful and the hiss lasted almost 30 seconds. He saw
the top of the can sink, like a boxer letting out his air after
landing the big punch, the can deflated under the pull of John's
finger. Finally the air was out, a little Pepsi floated around
the ring defined by the lip of the can. John then pulled harder
and listened to the crackling of the punch-top separating. A
wave of relief washed over him, he was ready.
A paunchy red-head came up to the bar and asked for a Pepsi,
John took a can off the top and popped it open, enjoying every
nuance of the sound. He filled a plastic cup with round ice
cubes and poured the drink. The red-head smiled and thanked John
as she curtsied away. Others soon followed as the party picked
up steam. A can here and a can there, but John was on the ball
and opened the cans with great care. The noise started to pick
up and things moved just a bit faster. He opened can after
can, but still got a tingle from each one.
The band picked up its tempo, and the sound guy who had been
dozing through the first part of the party, woke from some trance
and turned up the volume. John then had difficulty hearing the
rush of Pepsi as it broke out of the can, but he kept plugging
away, the night was young and he was happy.
Can after can was opened and excitement passed through
him. The music picked up, louder faster. Dancers, drained from
the furious pace came off the dance floor dripping sweat, their
pallets screaminng for Pepsi. John tried to keep up, but the
demand was too great, he opened cans as fast as he could, still
not fast enough, he opened them two at a time, still the crowd
ached for more. The Pepsi cans tormented his hands, his vice was
biting him back, the Pepsi cans were like metal dogs chewing at
his fingers, the spurts roaring out derision with each pull of
the tab. The spray was like venom, cursing him for ever likeing
the thrill. The crowd turned angry, they yelled at him for his
slowness in filling orders. Someone threw a cherry (from a cup
on the bar) and John tried to work faster, but the room was
spinning and angry cans of Pepsi mocked him wherever he turned.
A hand reached out from behind John and grabbed his
shoulder, "That's enough, John, Renaldo will take over from
here. Go home you've had a long night, this crowd is too much
for you." Those waiting at the bar cheered, John was humilated.
He tried to argue but the manager convinced him that it was for
the best. He got his paycheck and drove home, careful to not
touch anything with the raw flesh exposed from all the opening
The next day dawned with beauty. John rolled out of bed
and threw open the curtains. The sun was out in full force,
children played baseball in the street. The night before John
had no time for dinner, not even a break to get some water and
now he was dying of thirst. In the refrigerator a can of Pepsi
stared him down; in his mind he heard the crack crack of a can
opening, like a child's leg bone breaking. He picked up the can
anyway, it seemed to burn his hands, like a crucifix to a
vampire. He bobbled the can and dropped it in the trash.
"Enough of that," he thought and quenched his thirst with a nice
tall glass of milk.
(Editors Note - Alright, well, "true" is a highly subjective word...)
Who Needs Titles When We've Got Each Other?
by Midget Caesar
Considering that it was a dark sort of house, and that it was
crowded, and that there was no way out, and that there wasn't much
food, and that something(s) smelled bad, and there were occasionally
menacing cackles emanating from thin air, and that the plumbing wasn't
quite working, and that no one much wanted to be there, and that the
latest issue of Propaganda Unlimited was ridiculously late because its
editor was locked inside the house too, and that the TV was having an
identity crisis (it kept trying to toast bread, and broke down in
humiliation at its repeated failure), and that no one much liked
anyone else there, and that no one had brought a change of clothes,
and that Vernon was late getting back to work, and that all the
furniture and wallpaper was a weird sort of floral print, and that
none of the rooms were really big enough to get a proper game of
"duck-duck-goose" going, and that no one could seem to keep the
sentences from running on to epic proportions, things were actually
going rather well. Percy thought so, at least. Just about everyone
else had become a raving lunatic to some degree.
Devotees were constantly underfoot, hunting for Darius (who was
quite sick of them by this point). For that reason, no one noticed
when a couple of them disappeared.....
(a light clicked on. Adam looked up. Maybe this secret passage
could lead to something good?
"Sit down, Adam."
The voice was so firm and kind, Adam couldn't see any reason to
resist. He didn't even get too annoyed when he found himself
superglued to the chair.
"Here, Adam. Eat this Jays [tm] potato chip."
Adam ate it and smiled. What a nice guy he had found! If only the
nice guy would step out of the shadows....Adam waited patiently
for the next potato chip. After all, you can't just eat one Jays
Adam realized that he wasn't going to get another potato chip.
And then Adam went mad.)
Vernon had taken to hanging himself upside down from the undersides
of staircases and perching like a bat to go to sleep. He didn't want
any of these people usurping his place as the 8th deadliest hunter in
the world. In his caution, though, his boxers would ride up on him,
and that would lose him just enough points in the hunters' ranking to
drop him down to 9th place. Vernon wouldn't find this out until a
little later, though.
Around this point, Percy realized that he had never seen any of
those paintings that people sometimes talk about that have dogs
People were gone, there was no doubt about it. Darius admittedly
didn't do well in BC Calculus, but his devotees had all disappeared.
Soon, Darius was the only one left. How different his outlook on
things might have been had he only known that drinking 3 cups of %2
Milk is comparable to eating 9 strips of bacon!
A general rule: Don't inhale anything that can inhale you back.
The Entity reached over to scratch itself on the back, and found
itself strangled in the excesses of the plot. Upon this, everyone was
free. The Aphex Twins were nice enough to remix everything, and it
came out something like this:
(stay tuned for....a miracle! of course, life is a miracle that we
experience through the bounty of God, so stop reading this and
convert you heathen child)
"live free, drink Pepsi", but Pepsi costs money.
one could begin to think they're only in it for profit.
Anyways, if there actually is anyone who still recieves this magazine,
I really am sorry about the delays in production. Submissions were nil
for a few months, and it took so long to get enough that it's hard to
get excited about any of this anymore. Do we have an audience left? I
have no problem with talking to myself (ask any CTA employee), but I
rarely type it out....
If you're still interested in PU (or just the idea of PU), email us!
Get interactive! If you don't want to submit anything, at least just
send feedback. And if you're a quid pro quo type, send along a GIF of
your living room decor and we'll have our professional team critique
it and send you back a nice reply.
The future being uncertain, we'll have to skip the Coming Attractions.
Hopefully by next issue we'll have Fear and Loathing as well as the
magic (not the Magic [tm]) back. woop.
Distribution List: (We Love Youse Guys)
Club Evermore (HQ)
Legion of the Undead (home of Cyberspace Live)
the Obloid Sphere (home of STD - the *text* group, that is)
Munden's Bar is temporarily offline.
Patronize these boards! Don't give into the commercial services! They
only want your money, we're doing it 'cause.....well, we're bored. but
there's principle and everything.
(temporarily offline, but keep trying!)
Thank you, and goodnight.
(c) 1995 MangoJam '96 Productions, Inc. - all rights repressed
back to the archives...