lost like this: bike rides with satan
I was riding my bike (although it should be admitted that I have no bike) in the direction of nowhere in particular, hoping eventually to make a left at somewhere. it was a long trip with very few trees along the way. every once in awhile there was a little dog that would bark at me from the other side of the street. I couldn't decide if I was in a hurry or not, so I went fast when I heard barks and slow when I heard none. it all evened out pretty well until a poodle told me to fuck off and I wasn't sure what to do because while the intent seemed the same, I didn't want to encourage the use of foul language.
I was riding past a building with many doors (although it should be admitted that there only one door) when I noticed the sound of wheels approaching. I sped up, but the rider matched my speed. it was a thin sound, like the wheels of a skateboard. I didn't look back, but the smell of brimstone said it all: Satan was riding right behind me. I'm pretty talented, but I'm no deity; I'm pretty smooth, but I'm not righteous. therefore I knew I was in trouble. I asked Satan if he wanted my soul and he replied, a hot breath whisper: "why did Sean Connery's accent become more pronounced later in his career, when he started to play non-Scottish characters?" ah, I thought. mind games. I shot back that Connery's role in "Zardoz" clearly indicated that he wasn't the most sane of men and as such there was no correlation between his behaviour and the fabric of reality. then I pedaled faster, but somehow Satan managed to keep up. his lips pressed close to my ear: "have you ever wondered what entropy smells like? perhaps it's not odorless. perhaps it smells...minty." I shook my head. all I could smell right now was brimstone...or was there something behind it? the slight hint of green. I straightened out, tried to focus. Satan kept talking. "the morbidly obese achieve the greatest permanence in this world because they take the longest to decompose. ever realize that you'll never get a second chance to be a child prodigy? neo-Freudian psychology suggests that everyone wants to get back to the womb. so what about test-tube babies? what are they thinking about in science class?" they're probably thinking about their work, Satan. now go bother someone else. "quality oblivion has never been available at more affordable prices, and delivery is only a dollar extra. being a vegetarian doesn't make animals happy. all it does is piss off the plants. who do you think runs things in the afterlife? here's a hint: it ain't the cows."
I was riding on my bike past a building with many doors when I stopped and laughed (although it should be admitted that mostly I just smirked). Satan was puzzled. I looked him right in the eye and spoke. "what are you trying to do? plant a seed of doubt? idiot. if you really want to shake things up, you should introduce an element of conviction. sincerity is the new chaos." then I got off my bike, walked into the store and bought a milkshake. Satan couldn't follow me because he wasn't wearing any clothes and the sign on the door said pretty clearly:
"no shirt, no shoes, no service."
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