So I was hanging out with one of the website's big fans, Twinters, last night and she was telling her friends how hilarious this site is but chiding me for not posting lately. Which is fair.
The thing is, I've been meaning to, but everything I feel compelled to write about in this space is not so much hilarious as bitter, violent harangues savagely condemning the vicious, lying murderers and thieves who rule us and while normally I'm certainly capable of extracting quite a few giggles out of that material, lately I just haven't been up for it. I've always feared the day that's supposed to transpire for every funny person when your bleakly comic perspective on things becomes just bleak. (See Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut, Bill Murray) but it's not scheduled to happen to me for like twenty five years. I'm so damn precocious.
So everywhere I look, I'm reminded that the fifth anniversary of "9/11" (God I hate that insanely unimaginitve terminology, would it have killed them to call it "Bloody Tuesday" or something?) is tomorrow. It's uncomfortable because of just how nakedly and shamelessly aforementioned murderers and thieves get to exploit it. If they had any sense of gratitude they'd thank those thousands of martyrs for the way their sacrifice has enhanced their power every day.
Mostly my beautifully self-centered reaction to the date is this: Five years? Really? Sweet Jesus, I'm old! Can it really have been *that long* since my third and final senior year of college? Twice in the last couple of days I've encountered news stories about people who were like, 12 at the time and are now graduating high school. Get back in your cribs and stop pushing me towards decrepitude!
Perhaps if you just took some Phentermine--cut with Viagra, and mixed with a little Adipex, Ambien, and Tramadol, along with a wee pinch of Cialis, of course--you wouldn't be so upset over the dismal anniversary.
In the middle of that last comment, the South Tower of my grammar got hit by a plane. Don't blame me -- I was reading "My Pet Goat" at the time.
Don't feel too bad. One of our students has a birthday is tomorrow. Think "Sixteen Candles", only with two of the candles being some of the world's largest free-standing structures.