August 10, 2001
There used to be a handicapped parking spot right in front of my building, but the signs designating it as such have been removed, and anyone can park there. It doesn't change much; I don't remember ever seeing a car with a handicapped permit in the spot, just shady characters hoping the cops wouldn't catch them. I call those guys "handi-shammers", or I would, if I had reason to make reference to them.
Here are two paragraphs about yelling while watching moving pictures:
First, let me say that if you want to go see Monty Python and The Holy Grail while it's being re-released in theatres, you go and do that. It's your right. You are smart, and it is funny, so you should get together. If people start calling out the lines, turn around and tell those people to shut up. Those people have never seen the film outside of their mother's basement, and you can beat those people up, so lay down the law as soon as they start and enjoy the film. Monty Python are brilliant, but most of their fans are not; do not let them ruin it for you, though, because they are weak, and they can be crushed by you. Take back the Python!
A major part of the modern unemployment experience is time spent sitting in front of the television, arguing with images of people who cannot hear you. (1) One series of images that has been on my mind lately is a commercial that promotes the Visa credit card. The commercial begins with the interaction between a mother and her very young child. She is a stay-at-home mother, evidently, because the story opens with a montage series that follows her through an entire day. The events in the montage are intended to be humorously frustrating for the mother: the child causes a mess while shopping at the grocery store, for example, and spits its food back up at her after it is fed. It has not been an easy day for the mother. We are led to understand that she does not significantly interact with people other than her infant child, for when her husband returns home from work, she is only able to speak to him in the cooing "babytalk" vernacular. Victim of her own feminine infirmities, she is helpless and must be saved by her husband, the provider. Fortunately, as can be extrapolated from the mother's ability to stay home all day with her child, the family dwells in economic privilege; through use of the Visa card and The Internet, the husband brings his weak-willed wife down from her hysterical state by ordering tickets for a showing of "Romeo and Juliet". We follow the husband and the wife to the theatre, where it is confirmed that Visa and the husband have saved the day and the woman can now speak in an adult manner. The commercial attempts to provide a humorous punchline: in contrast to her "stupid babytalk" earlier, the wife, now removed from her domestic context, says something "incredibly smart". We are supposed to be impressed by her sudden intelligence: "Wonderful use of iambic pentameter", she says, because only "incredibly smart" people would know what iambic pentameter is and be able to say something so insightful while watching a play. Yeah. She must be really smart to compliment the usage of iambic pentameter in a production of "Romeo and Juliet", by William fucking Shakespeare, who wrote all of his goddam plays in iambic pentameter, you posh cow. "Wonderful use of iambic pentameter." As opposed to all those times when Shakespeare messed it up? Wow, that's some horribly misused iambic pentameter, Shakespeare. Yep, the weak-willed woman can be smart too, except it doesn't work, because that's a fucking stupid thing to say. Fools! I yell at the commercial, and I throw things at the innocent screen, but nothing ever changes.
(1) This does not work as well with books.