October 6, 2001
Baby, won't you be my Tet Offensive?
I have been trying to make a point of bowling more often. I believe that bowling is a very important survival skill; as a member of an early human society, though the hunters and gatherers would get all the press, I would be a bowler. I would tell the gatherers to see what they could do about gathering me up a big soft pretzel, and I would go about the work of bowling. I am, admittedly, not a very good bowler. I get rattled easily: whenever a baby shows up, I'm useless. And people are always bringing babies to bowling alleys. What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense. I have found a new bowling alley to call home, the Diversey River Bowl in Chicago, so that's nice. No one brings babies in there. They turn the lights down low and play ludicrous rock hits. That's all I ask.
I bowled poorly during this last time out. The tribe would be pissed at me. I would shake my head and say, who can quote The Big Lebowski as well as I can? Can you, Grog? No, you can not. Grog would shut the fuck up, because he'd realize that I had him there. And I would get back to the business of bowling.
Filming on "Helter Skelter: the Charles Manson Story" takes place over the next two weeks. I will be playing the police officer who stumbles into the crime scene and then later takes a bold position against multiple homicides while interrogating suspects at the police station. I am being fitted for a real uniform, and I have to go study some real police officers. Presumably, they behave differently than I do, so I have to figure out what those differences are and incorporate them into my behavior. I have decided to make my character gay and French. I haven't told the director yet, because he probably won't realize that the film needs wacky comic relief until he actually starts filming it and realizes it's all blood and murder and how are you going to sell that in Kansas City? Also, my character used to be a hairdresser before he joined the force. And he likes to paint. And he's actually Fidel Castro in disguise. The director will be so pleased with all the thought I have put into my character. I will shrug and say, well, that's what I do. I am an actor.
The first few sentences of that paragraph are true, so I've got that going for me, which is nice. And I'm getting paid for the film! Fat cash on a per-day basis, and free meals to boot. Fortunately, nobody told them that I will do more or less anything for a free meal. I appreciate everybody keeping quiet about that.
I have a perfect feedback rating at Half.com, and it occurred to me to wonder why my enemies have not managed to sabotage that yet. My enemies manage to ruin everything else - as I mentioned before, they like to intercept my resume when I apply for jobs and write "FAG" all over it before sending it along - so why have they had no success in their attacks on my e-commerce bidness? The answer is quite simple: fortunately, Half.com rates sellers in numerical form. My enemies buy things from me and keep hitting the 'F' key when they are asked to rate my services, but the system only takes numbers, so they get stuck and curse my name. Again, I appreciate everybody keeping quiet about that.