Some people have been wondering why I haven't written about China's recently announced plans to land a man, presumably a China man, on the moon in 2005. To these people, I say: I don't know. I must have been doing something else.

(news) BEIJING - China is forging ahead with a mission to send a man to the moon as it prepares for manned space flights by 2005, state media reported on Friday. The moon mission is part of Beijing's ambitious plans build a space industry, the China Daily quoted Sun Laiyan, vice director of the China National Space Administration, as saying. A leading Chinese scientist said Beijing, which sent a monkey, a dog, a rabbit and snails into orbit in January aboard its second unmanned "Shenzhou" spacecraft, needed further unmanned flights before it could send an astronaut into space.

God damn, that is the craftiest shit I have heard in a long time. A monkey, dog, rabbit and snails all in the same spaceship? Just imagine the questions that will be answered when the results of that mission become public. Did the monkey pet the dog? Did the rabbit and the snails band together against the monkey? What the fuck happened up there, Sun Laiyan? Why won't you talk about Shenzhou II? Holy shit. As an expert on monkeys, outer space and wily schemes - the world's foremost authority on that particular cross-indexing, some say - if I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that the snails were implanted with miniaturized brains from the Khans, Genghis and Kublai and some of the other Khans that real fans are into, and it was the monkey's job to stow the snails away on the moon, where they will lie in wait for people to arrive. (They can hide from radiation in their shells until they become accustomed to it.) Before they left, the barbarian snails probably beat the crap out of the rabbit and took it with them to the moon, where they impaled it on the American flag at Tranquility Base with a poorly-translated message about the fighter plane collision from earlier this year as an ominous gesture. Meanwhile, the dog chased its own tail. Everyone sends dogs into space. The Chinese didn't want to be rude.

That's just a guess, of course. But, let's be honest, I'm right.

"For mankind in the 21st century, space applications will become as essential as electricity and oil in the 19th century," scientist Liang told the China Daily. "We are just in the first year of the new century and my prophecy will come true," he said.

Scientist Liang does not lack for confidence. And that's good. You need confidence in the 21st century. I can only assume that the Chinese character for "tearing open (scientist Liang's) shirt and beating (scientist Liang's) chest" proved too difficult to translate, so they left it out, idiomatic meanings being what they are.

I have many friends who are scientists, and I heartily recommend that they refer to their work as prophecies. I have to imagine it's a morale booster. Try it. I'm warning you, though, my prophecy will come true.

Here is something useful: Jenny, a correspondent in Westmont, sent a link to an MP3 of David Sedaris reading his essay "You Can't Kill The Rooster", which is definitely the essay I would most like to hear him read. Nice. How useful is the world wide web? Fucking useful, I'd say.

Also, if anyone needs an MP3 of the Super Bowl Shuffle, let me know. I will take care of that.

(news) This touring show, which is headed to Radio City Music Hall after its Toronto date this week, is the work of two pop culture mavens dedicated to the "pure" Scooby. Which means no Vincent Price, no Monkees-esque love songs, no post-modern sneering about Shaggy being on drugs, and no -- shudder! -- Scrappy Doo (the wisecracking other dog of the cartoon's later years). What you're getting is pure vintage Saturday morning stage cartoon -- Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby chasing ghosts with their van The Mystery Machine. "The producers knew me through Mark (McKinney) and the Kids when I worked on that show (Kids In The Hall)," says Millan. "They wanted someone to translate an extraordinarily famous cartoon into theatre. "Then it was, 'Who'd you like to work with on the script?' I said Mark, who's got a few comedy ideas of his own. They're old and hackneyed but they're useful."

Adds McKinney, blithely: "It's good for the children to be reminded what the basic building blocks of French farce are."

It certainly is.