I woke up in a strange place

By Marc Heiden, since 1997.
See also: a novel about a monkey.

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February 14, 2002

I hope that everyone who reads this is having a great day. My day has been okay. The weather where I am is uninspiring. How is it by you? I have to say, your local sports team is my second favorite. They are a great bunch, who play with heart.

My friend Mike Saul aged today. Huzzah, Michael Saul, greatest of the Sauls! A brief selection of other, lesser Sauls:

Saul of Tarsus: In the Bible. Persecuted Christians, then changed his name to Paul for some damn reason and persecuted non-Christians. Persecution sucks. My friend Mike Saul persecutes nobody. Also, he is featured in a number of my plays, which are funnier than the parts of the Bible featuring Saul or Tarsus.
Saul Bass: Did brilliant title sequences for Hitchcock films. Greatest title designer in film history. Never bought me a fucking milkshake. My friend Mike Saul has bought me milkshakes.
Saul Bellow: Author of great renown. His books are much-read and appreciated, but only by those who can read. My friend Mike Saul is loved by the literate and illiterate alike.
Saul Smith: Played college basketball. Did not score enough points for his team to win all the games. Now plays in the NBA developmental league, where he does not average many points. My friend Mike Saul scores on the powerful give-and-go play when he and I are on the same team in basketball.
King Saul: First King of Israel. Total fuckup. God boots him from the throne because he gets jealous of his son and destroys the Amalekites but spares King Agag, which God specifically said not to do. Did he think God wasn't going to notice? My friend Mike Saul was not the first king of Lisle, a suburb of Chicago, but he was in a parade once, when he was a child, and unlike King Saul, he did not get booted from the parade. My friend Mike Saul screws up sometimes, but not that bad.
Saul Family History: Guy said he was going to design a website where people with the last name Saul could post their family history. Totally hasn't. My friend Mike Saul finished his damn website.
Saul Zaentz: Movie producer. Seems like a good guy, although his physique suggests that he does not know martial arts. My friend Mike Saul knows some moves.
Saul Jimenez: Openly admits that his resume is not current, puts it on the web anyway. What the shit? My friend Mike Saul has a resume, and you can bet that if he put it on the web, it would be current.
John Ralston Saul: Author. Known to associate with Canadians. Bald. My friend Mike Saul has hair to spare. He has been to Canada, but he knows to keep them at an arm's reach, because those French Canadians are liable to just lose it at any moment.
Joe Saul: Put zany quotes from his year-long role-playing campaign online, which is probably the worst non-porn thing that can be done with web. Quotes are run through with extremely creepy sexual tension typical of the milieu (geeks who ain't getting any). Has them archived by session and date. Has kept them online for seven years. My friend Mike Saul likes to play the strategy game Axis and Allies, but he doesn't try to get the Pacific to blow him or anything. God.
Saul Alinsky: Heroic labor organizer. Died in 1972. Therefore, my friend Mike Saul could beat him in a race.
John Saul: Author. Referred to as a 'master of supernatural terror'. Gives books intense titles with 'Hell' and 'Dragon' in the title. Clearly trying too hard. My friend Mike Saul is good at not trying to hard, relaxing and sitting around.
Saul Mandel: Artist. Terrifying work. My friend Mike Saul has never drawn a picture of a clown making out with a giant dog. You wouldn't think you'd have to tell people not to do that, but apparently you do.
Saul Adelman: Got his PhD in astronomy. My friend Mike Saul got his PhD in life on the streets, also in suburban punk music circa 1991-97. Two beats one.
Saul Pullman: Retired. Had his tonsils out. Hangs out with old people now and thinks that makes him cool. My friend Mike Saul is proletarian, working class, and has tonsils, I think.
Dr. Saul Miller: Sports psychologist, seems to be focused on hockey. Okay. That's got to be a hilarious job. Mike Saul could make many funny jokes about situations that would arise in that job. He's a great guy.

I woke up in a strange place is the work of Marc Heiden, born in 1978, author of two books (Chicago, Hiroshima) and some plays, and an occasional photographer.

Often discussed:

Antarctica, Beelzetron, Books, Chicago, College, Communism, Food, Internet, Japan, Manute Bol, Monkeys and Apes, North Korea, Oregon Trail, Outer Space, Panda Porn, Politics, RabbiTech, Shakespeare, Sports, Texas.


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Written by Marc Heiden, 1997-2011.