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Wednesday, December 29, 2004


A year that rocked in many ways, and sucked in others. Which makes it similar to every other year. A hundred thousand people drowned in a matter of days just recently. Can't get my head around something like that. What can anyone do? Just keep sailing, hoping for a favorable wind...

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


I get a couple days off from work this week, allegedly it has something to do with Jesus, but I don't think it does really. I've got one more day of work to get through, but two more nights of Danish gravedigging...

So six weeks after his re-certification, the Great Leaderís approval rating is now 48%. No president has ever been re-elected with an approval rating below 50%. That was close. Wipe that sweat from your brow and congratulate yourself on another job brilliantly done, Karl. This week the C in C chastised cowardly Iraqi troops, who he spent so much time praising during the campaign, for abandoning their posts. One must fight valiantly not to smirk and think of the skies of Alabama that Bush was willing to cede to the Viet Cong. What exactly are the Iraqis supposed to be dying for again? Democracy? Surely they can see where ours got us, to say nothing of where it got them.

Did you hear about the priest who killed two people and then hanged himself? I bet he was possessed. Priests going on killing sprees and then hanging themselves is always a sign that some ancient demonic force has been unearthed. I can only hope that the dogged, sexy paranormal investigators are able to read the signs and avert the apocalypse before itís too late.

Iím a bad person.

I got a Christmas card from one of my big bosses (one of the three very attractive women who run my division) in which she said she expects big things from me in 2005. Thatís a nice thing to hear, especially as Iím choosing not to interpret said big things as being remotely related to my job.

And on the topic of beautiful women, which Iím never really far from, Iím not a follower of Hollywood gossip. I like to read interviews with movie stars and stuff Ďcause Iím interested in their craft (movie star is my ďfall backĒ career if literary superstar doesnít work out) but I usually donít pay attention to their sexual escapades with each other and all that stuff, but I recently read something on IMDB, and this is apparently a very old story but Iím just now familiar with it, but actress Mary Louise Parker, whose ďWest WingĒ character I fell madly in love with was apparently married to actor Billy Crudup. Mr. Crudup left her for Claire Danes when she was eight months pregnant. You know, I generally think of myself as pretty jaded. Love is a fleeting thing (my last romance lasted sixteen hours) allís fair, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky, life is painÖbut EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT? Obviously that sucks in principle, but principle is not my concern, rather, the specific person who has been wronged here, Mary Louise Parker is a goddess. Seriously, she walks among us, as a goddess. Iíve spent some time over the years discussing the hotness of Claire Danes, but sheís got nothing on MLP. Dear God, the third season of West WingÖĒIíve got wit, charm and legs that go all the way down to the floor, my friend.Ē Iíve never been precisely sure what that means but I know that it convulses me with strange and wonderful sensations every time I hear it. In short what Iím saying is that Ms. Parker deserves to have a man serving her every slightest whim at all hours of the day and night and I believe myself to be an ideal candidate for the position. I am willing to dedicate this entire website to demonstrating this thesis.

I donít have much to say about Christmas, I hope you have fun. I imagine I will. I think I will have a good Boxing Day if nothing else. Boxing Day is vastly underrated.

Monday, December 20, 2004


This was a good weekend for lying around in my underwear, which is something I really need to do a lot more of. To heal the whips and scorns of time. I'd hoped to get some writing done. I finished the short scene I've been working on for like a week. I'm not the American Demigod I was in college, when I could toss off the first draft of a full length epic in about a month. Curse you, Economic Reality! This play is all about individual confrontations between two or three of the dozen or so characters. That's probably what most of my plays are about. So I know who has to confront whom and what has to be done, I'm just not sure what order it all happens...It's so hard to get the facts right when you're making things up.

I'm three weeks away from Rock Star Death age. My life pissing away decadent period begins now.

My friend Eamon is in town and we ate at one of Evanston's trendier new restaurants last night. Our long haired waiter kept asking whether we wanted "fries or fruit" with our burgers and things, obvious proof of the hippie homosexualism of the place. "I guess we know which America we're in now." Eamon snorted, and proceeded to hold forth on why cats are a poor investment. I love Eamon.

Friday, December 17, 2004

status report

Did I say my new job is easy? Man, they always trick you like that. My new job is hard. But I thrive on that sort of thing. Thatís what I tell myself. But itís okay. I used to be the go to person for the project in my old job. I commanded fear and respect. Since my promotion Iíve been sitting two desks away from my colleague Rachael, who knows infinitely more than I do. This leads naturally to the simmering resentment, which is much more worthwhile to me than learning things. I believe firmly that in life you must be the best, or resent the best. No, sheís okay, she was my ďSecret SantaĒ in our office Christmas thing and gave me cookies. Too many cookies really. This leads back to the resentment because her gift (from our boss) was stuff she really wanted off her Amazon wishlist. Iíve gotta get me one of them. (Even though I recently read that Amazon contributes more of its cash to Republicans than Democrats, that Jeff Bezos always seemed like such a nice young man) I donít expect to do much gift exchanging this year, I usually donít, Iíll get clever cards for my posse, that always goes over brilliantly, but you know, if someone (other than Kurt) wants to get me the first season of Buffy on DVD, you know, Iím not going to stop them.

Sigh, a bit tired today. Fridays are always tiring. I do too many things, but you know, I have to keep moving, like a shark, or I will die. Thatís what Woody Allen said, I think. Hamlet has shifted into high gear. Itís going beautifully, although I think Frank is a little disgusted with some of my little incompetencies with regards to the physical universe, that Iíve never quite understood. Itís okay, Iím disgusted with myself too. Itís hard to be writing a play while appearing in Hamlet because youíre always tempted to throw it away in frustration, saying ďScrew it, itís not going to be as good as Hamlet!Ē I donít remember if Iíve made that joke here, if I have, it bears repeating. But my new opus, Activision, is now a hale and hearty forty pages and I like it a lot. I feel pretty good. Even if I am so very tired. Mm. FridayÖtiring... Not bloggingÖ

Monday, December 13, 2004

Jesus Fuck

"How did it go?" Interesting question Modern Day Moll (you people with the pseudonyms, I know it's always Twinters or Fritz so you can just give up these twisted games) Being paid was nice, but it wasn't as fun as anticipated. The audience wasn't terribly interested either in us or the professionally trained dancers who were playing flappers, bloody tie wearing jackasses. They were interested when they realized part of our skit was auctioning off fabulous prizes. It was supposed to be an auction, they would bid for the prizes with fake money they had won while gambling. I was picturing a civilized affair in which people would stand to bid and we would call on them, instead the motherfuckers *rushed the stage* and started accusing each other of cheating and stuff, and we wound up being pretty arbitrary. I gave the prizes, which were big, like trips to Vegas, to people who I thought were funniest. Nobody said anything about making me count the fake money. As Chevy Chase once said "It was my understanding...that there would be no math."

But that wasn't the most noteworthy part of the evening, the most noteworthy part of the evening was the enormous damage I did to my body through the free alcohol I consumed. It was only the third time in my five years of semi-regular drinking that I ever drank enough to throw up. And why did I do this? Because I thought it would impress one of the aforementioned dancers. Because I'm fifteen.

Thursday, December 9, 2004

actor for hire

So I've got an exciting corporate gig on Saturday night. It's a corporate event at a club called Le Passage. I'm gonna be a 1920's cop who leads a prohibition raid and harasses the VIP's. I get lines like "Fellas ó this is the place. Word on the street is these are the bunnies with all the cabbage." I am eagerly anticipating this as one of the best experiences of my life. Unfortunately I'm a plainclothes cop so I don't get to wear one of those bobbies, or twirl around one of those clubs. I've already done the fedora thing a few times, but always happy to do it again. Can't wait to crack the knuckles of some no good rum heads! These corporate events are where it's at. I will soon be rolling in the Benjamins.

Monday, December 6, 2004

theological observations

Correspondent ďThe RockĒ points out that the ďfirst they came for the JewsĒ poem I quoted in my last post was written by the Reverend Martin Niemoller which is a good example of religious belief as a positive and noble thing. Despite the Rockís egregious confusion of the proper terms of address for Protestant and Catholic clergy, he brings up a very good point. As the previous post noted, one of the major issues was the hindering of a Christian denomination attempting to communicate a progressive message, and I alluded to my own Catholic education as having shaped many of my progressive values. The perception of a right-wing monopoly on God is something that needs to be addressedÖWITH FIRE RAINING DOWN UPON THEM! See, that was some satire there. Since homophobia was the topic at hand, itís worth pointing out that some of the most violently antigay people, Iíve ever met, including the always entertaining Uncle Gerry, havenít claimed to be Christian at all. They just hated those fucking faggots. So anyone who thinks religion is the source of all the evil in the world has some more looking to do. Weíd find some reason to hate each other one way or another.

Religion doesnít create good or evil, it merely promotes a context for the one, and an excuse for the other.

I write for my office newsletter. Itís not lame like the stereotypical office newsletter, itís pretty good, if for no other reason than I write for it. Iíve never posted any of my pieces for it here because I figure itís pretty inside stuff, but this month I did something pretty accessible. My friend Jacob and I sit down with a different member of the staff (usually a high ranking one for some reason, the powerful people like to read about themselves) and interview them, asking about their lives as well as their jobs, then we cut and paste their answers so that they will be entertaining. This time we happened to interview a very entertaining person, who I think youíll find interesting even if you donít know him:

Christmas with Deshawn!
(Contains no reference to Christmas)

This month, we held court with the beguiling VZ Wireless Project Leader Deshawn Jones

CAEL Courier: So letís hear about your background, Deshawn. You were born in England right?

Deshawn: I was. My mom was an Indian girl who was living in England. And itís a really funny story how she met my dad, my dad was an African-American soldier, he was in the Air Force, from Oklahoma, anyway, my mom was living in England with her friend Joy. And one day Joy went into town or something and she asked my mom if she wanted to get her anything and my mom just said, ďOh, bring me back a handsome GI.Ē, and they laughed but then Joy got on the train and she saw my dad there, on his way to see another girl actually, and Joy started talking to him and as a joke, she actually did bring him back to my mom, and then it wasnít a joke anymore. Lucky for me huh?

CC: And for all of us. Thatís just adorable. Thatís romantic comedy screenplay stuff there.

D: Yeah, disgusting isnít it? We moved to Colorado after that.

CC: Itís certainly an interesting number of places to have been.

D: Isnít it? Itís kind of a peculiar mix to have in your background you know, being black and Indian. Most people of mixed race in America are black and white, and there are a lot of them. But there arenít many of me. Sometimes I find myself looking at people I see on the street and kind of wonderingÖĒCould he beÖis he like me?Ē

CC: So what was your youth like?

D: Oh, pretty typical I guess. I was always kind of a class clown, I guess youíre not surprised by that. Itís funny, in high school I got a ďBest Joke TellerĒ award but I donít think I ever told a single joke. I was really talented in the sciences, like chemistry and math and things like that. I was in the top 5 % of the country on the ACS Organic Chemistry test so for a while I thought I might do something with that. A friend of mine was going to pharmacy school so I thought, ďWhy not do thatĒ? But I only lasted two semesters at that before I dropped out. I guess I never had much of a clear direction. Iím just kinda blowiní in the wind you know? Like aÖpopsicle stick floating down the river. But Iím not really bothered by that as I guess I should be. Then in í99 I moved to Chicago. I was really into improv comedy for awhile and this was the place to do that. I started working for the Select temping agency and in 2001 they referred me here and Iíve been here since then.

CC: What do you like about CAEL?

D: Oh the usual stuff. Itís a great collection of people, interesting work. And itís a job where you feel like youíre doing something good. Youíre not clubbing baby seals.

CC: I think everyone considers you a great source of fun and humor in the office.
D: Yeah, Iím kind of the court jester figure. The office wacky guy. Somebody has to do it right?

CC: Right, but youíre unusually good at it.

D: Iím never really sure, you know, sometimes I say something wacky in meetings, especially manager meetings, and everyone laughs but I always wonder if everyone just doesnít want me to shut up. I think people laughÖpeople laugh when theyíre uncomfortable and I think also to pretend theyíre having a better time than they are.

CC: Thatís a fairly dark point of view isnít it?

D: You found my secret. I donít know, Iíve always been wacky. Itís just the way I am. I guess I had a wacky dad, itís always been my sense of humor. I like to mess with people. Everywhere. Like telemarketers. Sometimes I scare them. My outlook on life can be pretty dark but I try to see things in a positive light, people arenít perfect but itís great to watch them, to watch them doing their best in life. I like making people laugh. I extract a lot of pleasure from the little things. I think thatís where real happiness is. This is kind ofÖbut I really like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz at the end, you know how he was on this quest to find a heart and the Wizard says something, I canít remember exactly but he says something to him like ďThe proof of a manís heart is what his friends think of him.Ē And I really like that. The Wizard of Oz was a smart guy. Itís how he got to be the Wizard.

-Jacob&Rory Inc.

Thursday, December 2, 2004


So weíre in a culture war it would seem. Jesus are we ever. The antigay sentiment in the nation, never timid in the first place, seems to be building towards a hilarious frenzy right now. I say ďhilariousĒ because I find humanityís twisted and destructive behaviors to all be very funny. Be afraid when I am amused. Some things I heard about today (Iíd heard about the first one a few weeks ago but I learned more today):

1. A schoolteacher sent a first grader home because he mentioned to a classmate that his mother was gay. ďGayĒ is when a girl likes another girl, the boy said. His teacher sent him home with a note admitting that he was a very bad boy he was for doing that. The teacher told the media how she believes itís the parentsí right to explain such sordid matters to their children. That principle makes sense. After all, if the International Liberal Satanist Conspiracy wonít let public schools talk about how good little Christian soldiers must join the war to eradicate the heinous practices of Faggotry and Dykism, the responsibility must obviously be outsourced to the parents, save when the parents themselves have been corrupted, as in this case. But the first grader wasnít teaching the class was he? I may have mentioned the fact that my dad was a carpenter when I was in first grade, in so doing, I doubtlessly infringed upon parentsí sacrosanct right to teach their children about carpentry.

2. The United Church of Christ (obviously affiliated with the aforementioned International Liberal Satanist Conspiracy) made a little commercial promoting themselves in which a bouncer stands in front of a church and tells two men holding hands they canít come in. The announcer than says ďJesus didnít turn people away. Neither do we.Ē The Big Three networks, the biggest arms of the Elite Secular Media all refused to air the commercial nationally, citing its ďcontroversial messageĒ. Donít suppose I blame them, given the Hell that would be brought down upon them. Anyone who suggests that Jesus was a friend to outcasts is attempting to sow the seeds of spiritual treason. Jesus H. Christ was a balls out American hero and I was proud to know him when we slaughtered gooks together in ĎNam.

3. Hereís the big one. A state rep in the Alabama state legislature is trying to pass a law that would ban books featuring homosexual characters from public libraries. I guess every so often something that really ought to be in the Onion comes out to play in the honest to God real world. Shakespeareís sonnets are promoting the homosexual agenda I guess. God knows how much Greek literature is going to get chucked outÖDepending on how you interpret it, really most books are going to have to go. A useful tip I picked up somewhere Fahrenheit 451 is the temperature at which books burn. Amazing the obscure knowledge you accumulate when you read things, though I somehow remain relatively gay lifestyle free. (Well there is my affair with Hamlet star Bobby Zaman, but thatís been misunderstood) But itís for the children, I know. Thomas Frank, author of Whatís the Matter With Kansas, the hip book that all the kids have been reading would say that this is part of the Rightís overall scheme to use cultural divisions to advance their economic agenda to give the middle class a good raping. These measures are designed to fail, he would say. This farcical lampoon on the concept of a ďlawĒ will obviously be unenforceable and certain to be struck down by those Trotskyites in the courts. But even so, the fact that this proposal even exists in my countryÖAny victory for these totalitarian goons is a loss for the rest of us. That an elected official is trying to do this, to say nothing that it might actually pass, well, thereís a bigger problem. Of his proposal Mr. Allen, (thatís his name) says that he would throw all the objectionable books into a deep, deep hole somewhere and cover it up with the earth.

Was anybody else under the impression that the Nazis *lost* World War II? Thatís another thing I thought I read somewhere. I donít like the knee jerk Nazi comparisons leftists toss around sometimes but this whole atmosphere is honestly making me think of that poem, ďFirst they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the Communists and I did notÖĒ You know, that one.

Since the American people are supposedly so squarely behind stuff like this, and in the wake of the pretty disastrous nationwide election results, many are counseling liberals to seek ďunderstandingĒ with the eloquent advocates of Moral Values, i.e. roll over, abandon any hope of advancing a gay rights agenda, and try to find common ground with people who just canít get enough of oppressing other people. To them I say this: that ainít me. And I donít imagine itís you either. Hereís some other things I picked up somewhere, about how to live your life, a couple of simple steps: You fight for what you believe in, and you never *ever* abandon your friends. I may have figured that out sometime in my thirteen years of Liberal Satanic Catholic schooling.

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